Monday, October 18, 2010

Doubt & Fear

A few nights ago in the middle of the night when Lilia woke us all up with more of her antics doubt came rushing into my being uninvited of course. Slyly and slowly fear crept in behind him. Lucky for me their lover the past wasn't with them and hasn't shown up. I can't seem to shake them. I don't know how they got here in the first place. I certainly didn't invite them. I wonder if they had been knocking all along and my late night stupor allowed the vulnerability to let them in. Or maybe it was that I was just emotional and the feelings weren't real. I doubt that possibility because they have stuck with me so long. The are just moments away from paralyzing me.

Thoughts are flooding in. How will you do this? You can barely handle what's on your plate now. It's so much reading. It's so much work. Why bother even finishing the application? Maybe you just aren't cut out for this? What if you fail, again? (There is a little bit of past.) What if you just aren't good enough? What if you aren't smart enough? They are endless in the pestering.

I am sending you a message doubt and fear... with all due respect and there isn't much due, SHUT UP! I know with every fiber of my being that I can do anything I really put my mind to. I know that this call is of God and not me. I know that I can accept God's challenges and grow. So doubt and fear don't get comfortable here because I will send you packing when you don't see it coming.

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