Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I give in...

So next week. I turn 30. I have been trying to ignore this fact for a very long time. I have been delaying even acknowledging that this will occur. I kept telling myself a few more months. Honestly though this is the first time I really care about my age. My 20s have been good to me. They have brought, learning and adventure and love. They have brought lots of negative stuff but we can let that just slip away into the night.

Over the course of time I thought I would be a lot of things by the time I was 30. I am not many of them and for the most part I am OK with that. For the most part. There are moments when I have regrets but then again why get caught up in that. Every action has a consequence right? So if I made different decisions I wouldn't be where I am right now. Where I am right now is alright. It's not ideal but then again what is? If I had the house, career and three kids I thought I would have I am not so sure I would have found satisfaction. I have learned that life is so much more than material things and prestige. How I wish I could teach that to other people. I digress.

I guess what I am saying is that even though I am not who I thought I would be, even though there are disappointments and set backs. I am glad it has turned out how it has thus far. That is a hard thing for me. Sometimes I get a little too wrapped up in what should have been. Sometimes I get a little too wrapped up in the day to day. Sometimes I think I am beyond my years in searching for meaning in this thing we call life. It drives me batty when people just live in the daily grind, work, kids, housework, bills. Really people there is so much more to it than that. I promise there is.

When I was 20 if you had told me the day would come when I was ok with my "mistakes" I would have scoffed at you. That is the difference a decade of living makes. So I am left with this wild curiosity of what the next decade will bring. Maybe it will bring some of the things I thought this decade would have brought, maybe it won't I guess it's alright anyway you look at it. It's that whole trusting God thing.

So with so many positive things to say about a decade of living why then am I whining about this new one. Maybe it's because I don't feel ready. I feel like there are still things I need to finish up which I know is a direct contradiction to my previous it's alright statement. That's how it goes inside my head though. Part of me has this urge to run out and do something incredibly immature as a way of kissing my 20s goodbye. Maybe that's it... your 30s there is no denying you are a grown up and you should have your shit together. Your 20s are more of a grace period. Or maybe it's my own struggle with mortality. Sometimes I feel it, mortality, like a clock ticking loudly from another room. That's a lesson I learned well before my 20s though. Is that what makes me different? I am not sure. All I know is that when compared to my peers I am different. Different sorts of things matter to me and it's always been that way.

Hmmm,,,, Maybe then my 30s (choke gasp gag turns purple) will be about not making goals or at least too many goals. Maybe it will be about following God. Maybe it is about not caring much about being different. All I know is I want to live this one life to the fullest. I want to change the world along the way. I want to get my little voice heard. I want to be anything but ordinary. I want to leave my mark here. I do NOT want to wake up 30 years from now on the eve of my 60th birthday regretting things because I have lead an ordinary life. I mean I only get one I ought to make it count.

When I started writing this piece I was stuck on how much I don't have it together. Now though upon further reflection, I changed my mind I do have it together. It just isn't in the traditional sense of having it together. In this very moment I do not care that I do not own a home. Owning a home would tie me down. Maybe home ownership just isn't for me. It really does allow for more opportunities at times.

I have spent hours recently trying to figure out how many kids we should have and how they should come into the world. I am resolving right here to letting that go. God will know and then I will know exactly what is right. Ha God already knows I am pretty sure.

OK deep breathe and it's going to be OK. I'm going to look forward with anticipation of all the new memories that my 30s will bring. The experiences, and adventures. I am going to trust God's plan and stop making so many of my own.

My goals for my 30s will be simple.
1. Finish Master's Degree
2. Pay off all school related debt.
3. Live everyday to the fullest.
4. Trust God on the journey.
5. Make healthy decisions for my body.

Upon rereading this I noticed something. Most of your life is lived in your adult years. I am sure that is on purpose. So maybe just maybe the part of my life where I act like a child is over. Maybe I have more responsibility now but I still get to live and love. Maybe that's the difference some people stop living when they hit adult hood. I can still live just in a more mature sort of way.

But seriously I feel old but thirty here I come. I am not running at you with my arms wide open though. I am kind of kicking and screaming and saying no I don't want to like a toddler about to get a shot. Then I am sure it won't be that bad just like your mother told you real quick just a pinch. I guess what really matters is how I react to that pinch do I cry hysterical or do I suck it up and get on with my day.

No comments:

Post a Comment