Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It is sinking in.

In about six months we are moving 12 hours away. That is starting to sink in now that Christmas is past. I thought maybe I could put it off until after the new year. It is here though to stay settling in my brain. We are leaving. It is bitter sweet. I think what makes this time so different is that there is no turning back. We have left before but there was always a place to come back to. This time the house is getting sold so there is no going back. That is complicating this for me because it is becoming very emotional. This house has been a place of stability when all the world was crashing down around me (multiple times). Leaving it feels awkward. It doesn't mean I won't leave, it just makes leaving harder. I don't really want this house, I could have it as my own if I did. I like the house just not the location. I digress.

As I look around and begin to prepare mentally for the move my emotions are revolving in a full circle. As I celebrate the holidays and know these will be the last ones here and like this. Next year everything will be different. We won't be with family. That coupled with I debate keeping or getting rid of nearly everything I look at is making me feel a little crazy.

It is good though, it needs to sink in. I need to process all the fear and anxiety now so come the fall I am ready to focus on my studies. I need to focus on my studies so I can finish my degree and become employable so I can give Lilia a better life than I could right now. Not that she has it all that bad but her demands aren't much right now. I want to show her the world literally, well really discover it with her.

The future is so unknown, it always is I suppose but I am more aware of it now. Something about that excites me because the possibilities are endless. So let's end and really begin on that very positive note.

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