Friday, July 29, 2011

Take Note

July 2008- Travel to Africa
July 2009- Anxiously waiting for baby to arrive
July 2010- Plan a trip to visit a school. Prepare baby's first birthday party. (Nothing that notable.)
July 2011- Moving to Louisville

It seems that July is a big deal for me and I am just noticing that now. I wonder what next July will bring?

Two other thoughts that I haven't time to dive into at the moment, as the move gets closer I feel more and more insecure about my appearance. I had a great conversation this week with a friend about my need for control and perfectionism. I noted that I don't have to do everything I feel like I need to do. I like to be in control, I am a perfectionist. I know the root causes of both of these. I also just need to "say out loud" that the diving into projects and being stressed out also serves me as a great form of distraction, it has helped me to avoid dealing with strong strong emotions. Duly noted.

Today I am grateful for July!
Be Blessed in your July!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


It's here, the week we move our lives so far away. I find that today, this morning, I am using music to help me feel what I am feeling. I do that a lot when there are too many feelings all at once. Currently I am listening to a break up song, which is about a pretty bad break up. This is odd because I am leaving but it's not really breaking up with a town or a house or a community. I also never experienced this thing called the break up in too serious of terms. I digress.

These past few days I have been living my dream life, little adventures with my little family. Time spend with good friends who make you feel fulfilled by their presence in your life. Life giving relationships are hard to come by but when they do they are worth it. I see in myself a maturity that wasn't there before when it comes to such things.

This blog isn't about any of that either, really it's a question, what is it about leaving that has made me take a week to live how I want to live? How do I live normally that isn't so fulfilling? I generally live like there might not be tomorrow because that is the absolute truth for every single one of us. This thing called life can end at any moment, even if we are young, healthy and strong, just getting started.

I have some answers to these questions, like sometimes your friends are more willing to make it a point to hang out when they know you are leaving. I think that's just life, I don't mean it in a negative sort of way. I mean that in this business and busyness of life, it is sometimes hard to find the time, yet when it matters we can find the time. Other reasons are more personal and more fitting for a journal entry, an entry I honestly probably won't write later. Partly because I am afraid to write it and make it all real and to feel all that comes with that. Partly because I simply don't have time. I am using up moments on this blog entry and laundry folding this morning. I need to be working on homework, updating a scrapbook and various other small tasks that need finishing. When really all I want to do is be on the beach and swim in the ocean, because it won't be here on Monday.

I am grateful for life lived in a way that is fulfilling. I am hopeful that it will continue.
May you be blessed by a fulfilling life that isn't just full.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Why Twitter Annoys Me

So I follow some people on twitter it started mostly with people whose books I read so I can keep up with current work. Then I slowly acquired more followers. Then I followed some more people. The thing is somewhere along the way someone must have gotten a book deal from self promotion on twitter because everyone is promoting something, a blog, a new book, a song, a product, Jesus. It is kind of frustrating to go see what's going on and just find links to blog post after blog post of bleh. I rarely click them now because I am so over the whole twitter self promotion thing. I rarely share a link to my blog beyond it being listed in my profile.

Then there is the whole over tweeter, read my blog, I just had tacos, the tacos are making me sick in the middle of the night, I like cheese, look at my awesome vacation pictures. It's a voyeuristic wonderland! Personally I don't care what strangers ate for dinner unless they haven't had dinner at all and they need some. While I feel for you that you are up at 3 am with the shits, I don't need to know that and who tweets while pooping?

I don't know. I bet it is pretty hard to get your blog recognized. I also bet many blogs see a lot of traffic with out ever sharing a tweet.

Today I am grateful for life lived.

Monday, July 25, 2011


Sometimes I wish there was anything that would make me feel fulfilled other than this life they call ministry. I don't even understand what it is I am supposed to do. I feel the call I know it's there. I am following and at times it feels like blindly.

I love school. Everyone tells me I should be a teacher. I love school supplies, I love teaching, I love kids, I love that look they get when they really get what you are teaching. I hate bureaucracy and politics which I ran into even substitute teaching. I wish I could be a teacher and be happy.

I love theater and film and even TV production. I spent a lot of time and money pursuing a career in those fields on the tech end to no avail. The only job I held in those fields was unsatisfying to say the least. While I was good at what I did and moving up quickly at the end of the day I would say there has got to be something more than this. In those days so long ago, money and status were really important to me. I wanted a huge house, a Jaguar and maybe even my own personal helicopter to commute with into NYC. I had big dreams. Yet I would still say I wish I could be happy doing that. I even wish sometimes that money would satisfy this itch, this yearning, this well... calling.

Then my baby girl, who is hardly a baby anymore, came along and I thought for sure that was it, motherhood was always my dream. Even today as I set aside my paranoia about germs and let run wild in a public place where kids and their germs were touching everything, I found such joy in her sheer excitement to be there. Even if we were two hours later arriving than I had wanted to because we got started a few minutes late, had to stop for gas and got lost followed by traffic. I have really been finding moments today and other days as well to just enjoy her, to savor her childhood. To be her mom, full time. Yet that nagging is still there.

I find myself day dreaming about a home for us lately, not too fancy but not too plain either. I am tempted to think that is enough, that is what it is I am searching for, but I know it isn't so. I know that while a house turned home would be fantastic, it won't satisfy the restlessness in my heart.

My dear friends send me the most beautiful pictures of their newborn baby girl. My thoughts trail off into thinking about what it would be like to have another baby or to adopt a child. They are usually interrupted by some sort of toddler activity which quickly gets me back on track to my one very loved child idea. In those restless moments, I know deep in my heart that isn't the answer either.

The call of God is unavoidable and at this point not very understandable. Yet I am following, following what feels like a million miles away for an ending that is uncertain. I balance, fear, doubt, hope and excitement as I pack boxes and say my good byes. When people ask why this place of all places, I say because I can afford it. I don't tell them my secret, God is sending me there for some reason I don't understand and maybe a few I do.

I am not sure I understand any of it. I just hope beyond all hope, that this is God calling and not my ego and that somewhere along the way my restless heart will be quieted even for a little while.

I am grateful.
Be Blessed.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

You Don't Want to Read This

Here it is fair warning, this is one of those entries that you don't want to read it will be full of TMI (too much information).

We are twelve days out from moving 12 hours away from just about everything and everyone we know. This would be an utterly stressful time for anyone. Yesterday yet another car repair became needed on the car we need to sell. Fantastic. There goes an entire afternoon of move prep. The truth is I feel like am doing it all because Paul keeps getting pulled away. Then you add in that I lost a week when the baby was sick.

Then Aunt Flow arrived at my door, draining every last ounce of energy I have. All I want to do is sleep and take massive amounts of Advil attempting in vain to tame my uterus. My period drains me of more than - well you know.

Paul asked me yesterday if I was nervous about going back to school and my response was oh right school, I haven't thought about it much.

Today I am grateful that even though I am being completely depleted of energy my cycle is normal with out medication.
Be Blessed.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Birthday Gratitude

Saturday we celebrated our Lilia's second birthday a couple of weeks early. We wanted a special time to celebrate with her and our family and friends. It also was a great way to get everyone together before we headed out. It was fantastic to see everyone. I did a lot of learning this time around. I learned to keep my inner perfectionist at bay. I learned to focus on a few details that mattered. I didn't go too crazy even though I was totally stressed out by the whole thing. I tried to make a cake that I wasn't particularly happy with. Things looked nice. Eventually I said I just have to leave the moving boxes where they are people will understand and they did.

I forgot half the games. I had people lug water play gear for their kids and forgot to ever turn the sprinkler on. I forgot about the obstacle course I had dreamed up. The kids had a great time with the couple of toys I set out and the swing set. I think I have learned the type of balance I need.

Then we were singing happy birthday to Lilia and her face just lit up. She was so happy looking at her cake and hearing that singing. It was like she really understood it was for her. In that moment all the stress melted away and gratitude washed over me! I was so grateful for that moment when my child was looking around at some many people who love her and just beamed with excitement or maybe joy. I teared up a little, not only was I grateful I think I fell in love with her just a little bit more. I felt connected to her and so happy that I could give her this moment.

That night when we went to bed Paul and I were talking over the day. I told him I wasn't glad my dad died but I am glad that I learned to appreciate these moments with her and not take them for granted. I think it is probably why I will always make a big deal out of special days because you don't know when it will all change. I think if I hadn't lost him I wouldn't have the ability to embrace some of these moments. I also wondered what he would have thought of it all?

I also felt very loved by my family that was here and our absolutely amazing friends.

So two days later I am still incredibly grateful for those moments with Lilia in my arms smiling.
May you be blessed with little moments written forever on your heart!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Funerals as a Mom

Yesterday I attended a funeral service for someone I didn't really know. We were peers in high school, he was a year ahead of me. I however know his sister pretty well. She is the same age as my niece and I used to take them all over the place with me. Yesterday a few of us gathered here at my house and one of my "nieces" (all of my actual niece's friends call me Aunt Beck) drove us over to the funeral home.

I was incredibly sad for this family who has suffered tremendous loss in the past few years. I wasn't really grieving though. I was there in support of those who were. We walked in and sat down. There was a photo slide show of this person's life playing. It was really odd to see childhood pictures that look so much like your own, at a funeral. Then the service started, I know the Pastor who was speaking so I was paying really close attention. The pictures were playing over his shoulder. Then one came up from the deceased's second birthday. All happy and smiles blowing out that big number 2 candle.

I lost my composure instantly. For the past two weeks or so I have been working frantically to pull together a second birthday party for my girl. She has 3 weeks until her birthday but we are moving just days before so we are celebrating here with our family and friends. All I could think was his poor mother. She planned that day, that cake, bought the little 2 candle, took the pictures. She never knew that this day where she buried her son would come. It made me stop and savor the moments of these little birthday parties. While I hope I am never in this situation, I know I am not immune. Death doesn't seem to discriminate. Much like this mom, I have never considered for a moment that one day I would have to say good bye like this.

I came home and I sobbed.

Today I am grateful that so far I have been able to really cherish the moments with my girl and that as stressful as this party has been with all the moving that I went ahead with it.

May you be blessed with some special moment in these days that pass too quickly.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Rough Day

I am not a very chipper person today. In that spirit I am keeping it short.

I am tired of being disappointed.

Some times I just want something decent, not even nice. Next week I am selling my last decent thing, my car. It is sell the car or delay the move.

Today one of my best friends turns 32.

Today I am going to a funeral for a friends brother who died at 32.

Today gratitude is hard to find, but I am grateful for life to be lived.
May you be blessed with life well lived.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Rant

Today there is a medical journal coming out where a writer suggests that children who are obese should be taken away from their parents and sent somewhere to help them loose weight. I saw this very brief news story about this last night. I am so saddened by this story. First off let me say if this were ever a law, I would fight it, as I think it would do more harm than good. Second let there be no doubt, I am a BIG girl and I ALWAYS have been. That means I would have been taken away from my mother who was "abusing" me by letting me get fat, even though I have three very skinny siblings. We all ate the same things, we all ran around outside for hours everyday. My body just handles food differently. I can assure you this would have done me a great deal of harm as I was a sensitive child who absolutely hated being away from my mother.

I just feel this is wrong on so many levels. Like I said it would be damaging to kids. Second, I think it would fuel more insecurity in our already, over sexed, be thin, be sexy culture. It is already really clear that we live in a culture where being fat makes you disgusting, no one will ever love you, Doctors will tell you all the ways you are killing yourself and eating an icecream on the board walk will get you dirty looks. People on popular reality TV shows will call you things like a grenade. I have spent a decent number of years trying to build up confidence in girls. Girls who hate their faces, their bodies and sometimes cross the line and hurt themselves. This is damaging to them as well.

What about the pressure on the parents? When I was young my mother was concerned about me and she asked our pediatrician what to do. He said nothing, because there was so much going on in my life he was concerned that if she tried to intervene I would end up with life long eating issues. I think he was very wise. I think it would cause some parents to starve their kids out of fear.

It's just bad all around and sometimes I wish someone would come off their I am skinny you are fat high horse like we are in third grade and talk to me. I am a human whose body does not process food well. I do not regularly over eat. I exercise every day. Yet here I sit still large.

Today I am grateful that this isn't a law and probably will not see the light of day.
May you be blessed by loving yourself exactly how you are.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Being the Church

I joked earlier this week that it is obvious that I do not come from a church going family. When ever I say I am going over to the church or I am going to church they respond, have fun. I can't remember the last time I went to church and had fun, unless it was a youth event. Maybe that is a whole different blog entry or conversation.

That's the thing though, I am active in the church. I try to make it most Sundays. Until recently I have volunteered in a variety of ways. I am going to Seminary in just a few weeks. People assume I want to be a Pastor, while I haven't ruled it out, it isn't my dream job. I would go into Parish Ministry to pay the bills, but I prefer to be out in the field somewhere. The point being, I am an oddity both in my family and the circles we run in. People misunderstand what it is I do all the time. My older brother gives me a hard time every chance he gets.

What I am just realizing though is for those people who live locally and whom I am surrounded by, I am the church. I am what they see as representing the church. I have always tried to be aware of how I act in public because I know I have about 50 teenagers out there in town at any given point. All of whom I have drilled in how to treat people and how to love people. If I told them be kind to everyone, even the smelly kid and then I berate the cashier in a store, it doesn't look good for me.

Although most people around me do not attend church, they often think of the church I attend when they need something church-y. So I guess I represent the church to them and I hope I represent it well. It seems that knowing me helps others feel comfortable with the idea of church. I guess that just speaks to the importance of relationships. I haven't recruited a single member but I think how I handle myself matters more than I ever realized. It's kind of late in the game.

Today I am grateful that my life can at times represent the church to people.
May you be blessed with knowing you are loved.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Knowing you Did the Right Thing

Over the course of the past year many relationships have ended in my life. Some by choice and some by just growing apart. Growing apart I think it a natural part of life, life takes us in different directions, we get busy and so on. If the relationship was important it would have out lasted all of that. This is a very important observation as I prepare to move to a new place where there aren't any deeply rooted relationships. I am leaving them all here. I know that the ones that matter will quickly out shine those that will fall to the wayside in life. Paul and I have made a few predictions about this. We shall see how it turns out.

The other type of relationship ending is choosing to end a relationship. I have done this a handful of times recently. It is really difficult for me to do. I have learned though when relationships aren't life giving, they aren't worth nourishing. When a relationship becomes life sucking it's time to let it go. I don't know if it's just me, but I find it really hard to do. It is almost impossible to do with out hurting someone's feelings.

That all refers to real life.

Then you add in all this social media. Recently I thinned out my friends and followers lists on facebook and twitter respectively. People often will miss use social media to hide like cowards behind their computer screens. They say things they would never have the guts to say in actual life or maybe they would in the case of those I don't know if real life.

My point is, by thinning out these lists recently I am actually enjoying the use of social media again. I don't sign in to facebook and get stupidly bent out of shape over internet words. Twitter is tolerable. While thinning them out is good, I also have to keep in check how much I allow these sites and their various users to matter in my life.

What I do know is that I was iffy if I wanted all those follower and friend counts to drop. It was the right thing to do. I feel a certain amount of freedom. I also know that as I move, entering into this new phase in my life, a lot of social media is going to slowly fade out of my life. There simply won't be time to creep on facebook or twitter.

Today I am grateful for the affirmation I have found in this decision.
May you be blessed with real life outside of social media.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

On Being Responsible

Today I went to a party. It was lovely. Until I tried to take my daughter for a swim. She loves the pool and does well in the water. We stay close by her. She loves to hold our hands and jump in. She is almost two and learning to swim.

While she is my only child, I have been caring for children since I was 12. I have always loved children. As a baby sitter one of my strongest points in the summer time was that I would go into the pool with the kids, I knew very basic water rescue and a whole lot of pool safety. I know it only takes two seconds for something to go horribly wrong.

So I was watching today as one 3 year old jumped off the diving board nearly landing on another's head. My mother was there she freaked so she took the baby and I swam out to regulate the diving board jumping. I got them to take turns, make a line and swim to the side. All pretty standard issue stuff.

What I don't understand is there is this epidemic of parents who go into party mode. I am at a party there are other kids and adults here so I am going to let my kid run off and play with the other kids and not check on them for 5 hours. This is a bad idea, this is a horrible idea when there is a pool, with a deep end and a diving board. This is an awful idea if your kid can barely swim with swimmies on.

Here's the deal I couldn't walk away from these kids even though I didn't know half of them. As an adult I felt it was my responsibility to watch over them and keep them safe, especially the ones who were week swimmers. One of which jumped on to my back when I wasn't looking and then couldn't swim. One of which nearly hit their head on the concrete when copying the older kids. The thing was that I felt as if either I watched the kids and kept them safe or I was going to end up diving in and pulling one out of the water and performing rescue breathing.

It totally sucked. I wasn't the host of the party, I was a guest and I ended up working and not getting to enjoy my own daughter in the pool. I would like to tell you that maybe it was because today I was with moms who were almost all 10 years my junior but I have seen it happen in my peer group too.

I just don't understand and I never will, why someone would leave a child unattended near or in a pool. I know these parents, they all love their kids. I know it's easy to get distracted by friends and family. I just feel like there comes a point where only the safety of your kid matters.

Today I am grateful that when we celebrate my baby girl's second birthday next weekend there will be no pool involved.

May you be blessed by being a blessing to others.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ode to Motherhood how I became the owner of a Mr. Pibb tshirt

If you have one of those fancy phones that I do not have, you can do this check in on four square thing. I am not sure I get it but I know from various posts on social networking sites that you can earn badges based on your check ins; kind of reminds me of Girl Scouts.

If motherhood had badges like that I earned at least three today.

There are certain things no one tells you about motherhood, like your hair might fall out up to six months after birth or you need to wear a bra to bed if you are nursing even if your milk hasn't come in. I watched a lot of kids in my time. I have 3 nephews all of which have barfed on me so badly that I had to sit there in my underwear while my clothes washed. Two of those nephews barfed hotdogs on me. Needless to say I still to this day refuse to feed them hotdogs. I guess what I am saying is, I am not a first time mom with little experience, I have a ton of experience with kids. That being said it's not the same as having your own little bundle of joy, although I would say pretty close some days.

I guess I should start at the beginning. (This might take awhile so grab some tea or if you are feeling generous drink a few shots for me.) Two weeks ago Paul gave his job notice which was accepted. Last week they called and said the next day would be his last day. We rushed Lilia to the Doctor's office in fear of not having insurance when her two year check up came right before we moved. She had one booster shot and a clean bill of health. In the mean time Paul negotiated like a champ and was able to get another weeks worth of work and to extend our medical coverage until the end of the month.

Saturday we got an early start, as to avoid Benny traffic in the afternoon, we ran a few errands and headed home. Paul and I did a quick project out in the garage during nap time and then we took Lilia to the zoo. We noticed on the way home she was really tired. She didn't want dinner. We figured it was her shot having a few side effects. At bed time she was burning up. She seemed to have no other symptoms except a little gas. Sunday it was more of the same. Sunday night she whimpered need help need help for a good part of the night or was that Monday, it's all starting to blend. It pretty much broke my heart. Monday she still had a fever. We called the Dr. on call for the holiday weekend. They said it sounds like a virus, keep doing what we were doing and call our Dr. in the morning. We did, mystery virus was the diagnosis. So we kept up with the Tylenol Advil rotation. We noticed yesterday she was really upset before she peed but she also farted and had just taken Tylenol so we didn't think much of it.

Today was a whole new ball game, fever up and down, so fast you could feel her go from 99 -103 sitting on your lap in a mater of minutes. Then she started crying and getting a bit hysterical. She started grabbing at her diaper over her girl parts, yelling pee pee, oh no, need help. This went on for over two hours. That is when we figured out that she hadn't done a pee pee in over 12 hours but she had been drinking like a champ. It must be hurting her to pee pee. She wouldn't go. The second hour I cried with her until my mother came over and said go calm down I have her. I felt so helpless. I took a shower and Lilia fell asleep. That's badge one. Having a sob a long with your baby because you can't figure out how to help her.

Badge two is figuring out that taking care of a sick baby is much like having a new born. My house is more of a disaster than it has been even accounting for the moving mess. I haven't really made dinner since Saturday it's been find what you can and fend for yourself. I am like a zombie so is Paul. That might be a badge too, my girl only wants her dad and I feel useless but I am surviving. This morning my mother, who is here until we move, went out and bought doughnuts long before we got up. It was the happiest thing I have seen in a long time.

So this afternoon Paul called the Dr office again, our regular doctor is gone for the week so they referred us to another practice. We quickly got an appointment with them. As Paul was on the phone with them Lilia woke up from her 10 minute nap screaming and finally peed. It smelled awful it was on my shirt. I changed. She fell back to sleep. She slept all the way to the doctor's office. When we walked in she went hysterical and promptly peed all over me. Half my shirt was covered in pee that smelled like a zoo exhibit. I got her changed. They got her set up with a urine bag to catch her pee and we waited for two hours while I gave her cranberry juice boxes. She did not pee again. We came home with a new bag to put on her in the morning. Once I get her to go, I have to return it so it can be tested. You know as soon as we got home she went pee right?

In the mean time, Paul had to run to a co workers house to pick up equipment for his last job tomorrow. I had planned on riding home topless with a blanket to cover me up. I couldn't do this in front of his co workers. So we ran to Target, where I sat in the parking lot under a blanket while he ran in to grab me a t-shirt. Of course the minute Lilia started yelling in her car seat and I abandoned blanket to tend to her the cart boy came over to collect the carts in the corral next to the car. He had his cell phone out. I hope I am not on some people of Target website now in my very practical mommy bra.

That is my third badge, I endured being peed on in public and smelling like a farm animal for several hours, then sat topless in a Target parking lot. I have to tell you at this point all I could do was laugh. Lilia fell asleep and I laughed for a really long time.

Here's to hoping tomorrow we find an answer to what has her so upset. I will tell you this last pee pee didn't seem nearly as painful, and call me crazy but I think that the cranberry juice might have helped her out a little bit.

I must also tell you I was THAT mom today for awhile, the one who will freak out and scream until she finds an answer. I didn't have to though. I feel like we are on our way so maybe the change in Doctor's office was a good thing for this momma. That might be a badge too.

I feel like I am entitled to being that mom. In case you aren't a regular reader or you aren't familiar with my story. My youngest brother had cancer at age five that should have killed him, but it didn't. He's 28 now and going strong. It is believed by just about everyone but the government that his cancer was caused by my father's direct exposure to agent orange in Vietnam. This also caused my father's illness which eventually took his life. Research shows that agent orange actually mutates DNA so I will have to be super vigilant with my girl as I carry that warped DNA around. I get a little crazy when she doesn't feel well, especially when it is a mystery illness. This is also why when they very seriously asked me if I was comfortable with applying the urine sample bag I nearly laughed. I have had to learn some pretty tricky at home medical treatments for my sick family members from the time I was very young. This should be cake.

And that my friends is how I became the owner of this Mr. Pibb t-shirt which isn't even sold many places in NJ. It goes everything against my fat girl wearing a food brand logic but it decidedly does not smell like zoo animal urine.

This is long and rambling but I hope it gets all the people who love us up to date on what is going on with our little love.

Today I am grateful for compassionate medical professionals.
May you be blessed with a healthy child(ren).

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I held my whimpering baby for two hours last night while her fever broke and she kept saying over and over and over, need help, need help. There was nothing I could do for her. It broke my heart.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sick Baby

My baby is sick. I am pretty sure she is having side effects from her shot on Tuesday. She is so out of it, not her self at all. She is running a fever, tired and not even close to hungry. She is just laying on me and drinking juice. When she feels a little better she goes to Paul.

This morning I debated what to do about church. She certainly wasn't going. Paul was fine with her here at home, I could have gone. It was my last chance at communion in my home church for awhile. I opted to stay home. I felt like her mom should be with her if she is sick. I thought the five people that were in church this morning may have judged me a little if they heard she was ill and I was in church. (I am owning that could have been my own junk manifesting.) I may not always have the option to stay home with her on Sunday morning, moving forward I might have to leave her.

I noticed today though my own junk building up a lot through out the day. I am cranky, I have been since yesterday. I fell yesterday morning and twisted up my ankle pretty good. If it weren't for Paul catching me and the stroller it could have been much worse. I will survive, I have done this before, but it has slowed me down when I can't afford to slow down. I was bummed because we had planned a bunch of stuff that we could do this weekend on the cheap but would require lots of walking, which wouldn't be good for me at the moment. Then my girl started feeling out of it last night and by 8 she was feverish. I kept her in my bed all night and her Tylenol seemed to keep her fever down. It was back up shortly after she woke up this morning.

Bear with me here and try not to judge me too much in this next section, trust me when I say I am taking care of it all on my own. When she isn't feeling well, I get very antsy. I hate sitting still so the baby and my ankle combined are like torture. When I was little everyone in my family was sick. I don't mean we all had the flu. I mean my dad had a mystery illness that started taking his life and a year later my brother had cancer, then my grandfather. I spent a lot of time in waiting rooms in Philadelphia with little to do but twiddle my thumbs. Only one of them had kid friendly things to do. Those were geared for kids way younger than me but I made use of them. I don't know why but I hadn't discovered the great time killer of books yet, nor did I have many. Life pretty much revolved around everyone getting better. No one thought of the library. Hand held games were insanely pricey. I spent a lot of time sitting around doing nothing but staring out windows and at horrible waiting room gray blue walls.

That being said I found on this adventure of parenthood, that when my girl isn't feeling well, I get all antsy. I hate feeling trapped in the house like I can't do anything. Even though today I really needed the rest as much as she did. I had a really hard time sitting here. I got hot and sweaty. My stomach got very upset. Finally I napped while she did. That helped. Then when we woke up, she kept asking for bye bye so we took a little ride around town in the car, that was such a relief. She keeps asking to go in the car. I guess she is comfortable in there. Basically what I am getting at is I can feel those experiences from my childhood creeping up.

The level of anxiety gets higher and higher as I deal with this feeling of being trapped in a sick ward. That coupled with this little voice that is shoved so far back in my head I can barely hear it, it screams though this is it, this is when the next person gets sick. Then I start to shut down and I have a really hard time functioning even on the most basic of levels. I have to force myself to do anything.

I didn't expect my experiences to bubble up like this, but I know they are.
So I am left with what do I do with this?

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Oh Crap

I just woke up and changed our on going count down to our move.
29 days.
I am in the middle of a complete freak out.
That being said it might get a little quiet around here until mid August.
Forgive me!

Be blessed and grateful in all you do.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Today's Writing

Today I wrote a piece that I have been asked to share somewhere later this weekend. Since it will spoil the surprise for the bulk of my known readers. So that being said. I will share later. I hope you have a fantastic holiday weekend! Enjoy some fireworks if like me you really enjoy them.

Here is a happy thought for your day, my first furry daughter turns 11 this weekend. Our Trinity has been through so much life with us. It's funny how if you are like us your pets become part of your family.

Today I am grateful for Trinity and how she has made our lives so full. I am also grateful for opportunities to celebrate life.

May you be blessed by nothing but joyous celebration of life this weekend.