Friday, October 28, 2011

Writing it Out

Today this blog is an exercise in writing therapy. Sometimes I find if I just write something out it doesn't consume me as much as it once did.

I was very shocked when we first arrived here and settled in I started to feel something, something I didn't think I would ever feel again. At first I just tried to ignore it and hoped it would go away. Then I distracted myself from it occupying my mind with all sorts of things to avoid this dreaded thing. Surely it couldn't be happening again. For over two years I have been content to live with out this, happy it had gone away and fairly certain it would never come back. I tried to make lists of all the reasons it shouldn't be, it didn't help. I tried to remind myself of how difficult it would be and it didn't help. I tried to think of all the emotions involved for so many people and it didn't stop. I tell myself it's just a distraction from the stress of life and all this change that has happened recently and its still here. I tried to think of all the judgement that would be passed on me and it still lingers. I tell myself its just a hormonal flux and it will pass in a few days and then when I can think straight again I will be glad to have ignored it.  I have long sleepless nights and still it remains. Like a primal beast out of my control it is here and it seems to have settled in for the long haul.

Then I pray and I pray to see where God is in this situation. Could God even be in this situation? God has been so central to this type of thing in the past. Who could I tell my secret to? God already knows, maybe I need a person. 

The Baby Itch has arrived. Knocking on my door. Dancing in my mind. Driving me somewhat crazy. I notice cute little baby things. I coo at newborns when I see them. I long for that snuggling little baby asleep on my shoulder. I think about Lilia getting to share her childhood with a sibling. I think of Paul's desire to have another biological child. I think of my aging reproductive system. I think of God's plan. I get all dreamy and wishy washy.

Then I think of the space and the expense and even less sleep. The horrible timing. The work. The emotion. I think of how we would likely have to move, what the medical bills would be and how we would need a bigger car to fit us all. It isn't going away. I can think my way through it. I know now is not the time. My hormonal primal urges though do not care what my well educated brain has to say and my heart is stuck in the middle somewhere.

So I talk about it with Paul a lot because I think talking about it might make it better. I blame my faulty hormones. Yesterday I told one of my new friends because I know she has been there. I expected her to tell me to hold out. I said this isn't the right time. She said sure it is, this is what your body does after two years. She gave me a totally different perspective. Of course I am not running out to have a baby. I still am not sure the time is right. I want to trust God that when the time is right to expand our family I will know.

Yet I find myself wishing more than anything that I knew where God was in all this baby lusting, hormonal mess of my life.

Today I am grateful that I have enough wisdom to not just act on my urges and that I have a sense of humor about them. 

May you be blessed by seeing the God who created you in yourself and your own body chemistry.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

When Tomorrow isn't Real

Go ahead read that, I bet your eyes tear up. Mine did. This article comes as an affirmation of sorts. Through a string of seemingly random events as I sat my daughter down to dinner last night I thought to myself, nothing is guaranteed, love her in this moment, cherish it.

My daughter isn't sick like Ronan, but my life experience has taught me to savor today because tomorrow isn't always a reality. Its something I learned as a kid. One day you can do something as simple as waking up and your whole world is different by no choice of your own. When you wake up to your strong and vibrant father now in a coma you realize something. When a few months later your younger brother who was your constant playmate is laying in a hospital bed bald talking about how his roommate almost died it changes you. Even if like me you are only 8 years old.

Looking at this in retrospect I am really lucky that I dealt with these things how I did. I could have easily gone out and internalized the pain and confusion I still felt as an adult and turned my life into a mess. My life IS pretty messy but not in a way that speaks of a child haunted with illness surrounding it. Since that time I have always seen the world differently. Now in my thirties I am just starting to understand how differently I see the world from my peers. It informs my experience of high school and various relationships past in a way that I can't explain when I look back.

Last night when my own daughter was giving me a hard time with nearly everything from dinner to bed time, I stopped and took a breath. I wanted to take a moment to just love her and be grateful. I never want a day to come where I don't remember how hard I prayed for her to come into existence. Let me never forget to say thank you God for this beautiful and healthy life.

I pray that there are thousands of tomorrows to look forward to. I pray that her tomorrows far out number my own. But I know that tomorrows aren't always real, that sometimes they just stop happening.

This article was so helpful because it just reinforced so much of what I believe about life and kids. It named it in a way I couldn't. Just last night I drifted off to sleep trying to figure out which preschool would give her the best advantage in life and how the heck was I going to afford it? It's really easy to get caught up in the things that probably don't matter anyway. I know that regardless of preschool choice if she wants to succeed she will. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to raise my child so well that I forget to appreciate her for who she is, my beautiful God made daughter. Maybe in time I am going to spoil her because I know our days as humans are numbered, but I don't think you can love too much.

Today I am so very grateful for my beautiful little girl and every single tomorrow we ever get to have.

May you be blessed with gratitude for your children even when they make you want to rip your hair out.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Reaching Deep

The days are flying by and full of last fluttering what ifs. What if I did this before I was married with a kid and pets and so much responsibility is basically the only one. Today was a rough day I had the at home midterm from hell. When I emerged from my study lair the rest of the house was a disaster. Files on my computer that I just put 7 hours into were lost. There was poop in a pull up. There was a dog and a cat longing for attention. Pretty much today just sucked. Right up until five minutes ago when my VERY stubborn 2 year old went to sleep. That's right 11 pm. She was a handful all evening just full of acting out and whining for bread, her current favorite food. It's funny this week was the week I was determined to get her to bed by 8 instead of 9:30. I guess you can see it has been a rough one.

So I am digging deep with in me to find the gratitude for this day. Thank you God for the chance to be here. Thank you for my healthy daughter. Thank you for a place to live. Thank you thank you thank you.

May you be blessed by a thank you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

When is it too far?

Duggar family, your show is my guilty pleasure, last night you went to far having your adult children cell phone video a younger child's injury to broadcast it on TV.

I am grateful for reason and not being blinded by greed.
May I not be blinded by it if I am ever tempted with it.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Dear Paul

By the time you get home later we will have been married for 7 years. I can't believe how long it's been and how much life we have lived since that day. We have loved and lost some amazing people. Seven years ago we had Grammy and Tim. Long before we were married you stood beside me as I mourned my dad and this summer you stood with me again as I took him to his final resting place our beautiful daughter in your arms, the closest they will ever be. We have Lilia the most beautiful creation of love ever. We have moved, traveled, grown and sometimes just plain old survived. We have thrown some kick ass parties. We have cried together and certainly laughed together. We have taken time to celebrate so many things. We made a documentary. I went to Africa.  We have cried tears over Mirembe who you loved with out ever meeting because when I relayed her story, cried and loved, you couldn't help but love. You stood by me through thick and thin. You were there when my world fell apart after the Fall 2006 semester. We make a pretty dam good team. Forgive me for the sappiness or maybe enjoy it as it's rare but we live in a world where very often marriage isn't a big deal or seen as old fashioned. I would have to disagree, I wouldn't be who I am today with out our marriage and certainly not with out you and your unwavering support. I know sometimes I say we lack romance but you know what we were high school sweet hearts and that is rare and special. I know that last few months have been rough, stressful and sometimes disappointing. We will survive this together so keep your chin up. You have so graciously accepted my call as just a part of life. You have moved all this way because I said God spoke to me again. I think that makes us crazy but at least we are together in it.

All My Love!

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Today I am grateful for the Fall and it's crisp mornings.