Thursday, September 13, 2012

Grief & Gratitude

This is the hardest loss I have ever had to face. I nearly lost it in class yesterday when I heard my final paper would be on "Death, Dying and the Christian Funeral". I really didn't hear a word after that until my friend looked at me and said "Are you ok?" I laughed about the sheer irony of it  after class. I have no idea how I will write that paper.

I am still crying. I don't think I have ever cried this much. I am having a really hard time getting back into "normal" life. My ability to focus is minimal. Anger is here. Patience is low. Tolerance is low.

This morning, LG insisted upon watching a Christmas sing a long. It made me want to throw up. We were here last year and that was hard enough to not be with family. We have already talked about traveling this year because of this loss and the need for support at those times which are the hardest. This morning I realized that not only will Christmas be hard for my brother and his kids, its going to suck for me too. I can't avoid it, LG has been looking forward to Christmas since we took the decorations down.

I just want to feel normal again.

In more positive news I have some great people who are bending over backwards to help me out with caring for LG and I am so grateful for that gift.

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