"Becca, right now you have 1000 triggers."
"Yes and I don't even know what they all are."
That is the nature of my grief right now. I am trying to own this grief and process it and find a way to heal a little. I don't want to push it down until one day I end up crying at some inopportune time because I haven't dealt with the loss. Here's what I know, I know this loss won't go away, this has become forever a part of me. I know that over time I will get used to this new hole in my heart and while it may never be comfortable I will be able to live my life in a "normal" way. A time when looking at yellowing trees doesn't make me cry and listening to the radio while you get ready for class isn't a risky behavior.
It's true about the triggers, you would not believe the things that make me all sappy and weepy. This morning it was a song about living a good life. At first the familiar tune made me feel like I wanted to just live life and tackle the world, the perfect weather outside helped that kind of high on life feeling. Then I started thinking about the life cut short and a few tears came. I was affirmed in my seize the moment attitude because we don't know when it's all going to be over. This is not a new way of looking at life for me, when I was 8 my world changed and I have since held this view. However recently with renewed gusto.
I also find myself reminiscing a lot. Not that I want to go back to another time in my life but just remembering how much fun some of these times were and the freedom found in those moments of pleasure or joy. Most of my remembering has been inspired by either the weather or music.
Lastly, learning to grieve as I accept and grow into my identity as clergy changes a lot too. I can't just hide in my bed for a week doing minimal life stuff. I have got to get up everyday and get things done.
This morning as I walked I thought of so many things that I could write about but none of them were really authentic. This is where I am at. As I establish a routine it is helping me get through the long days. I am learning to have grace with myself when everything doesn't get done.
I am grateful for the grace I have found with myself, my openness to this grief process (even if it hurts) and this perfect weather.