Happy New Year from a blogger that is very behind. Being behind seems to be the story of my life lately. I didn't really get around to implementing any "new year's resolutions" until last week. I haven't resolved anything fantastic that I think will be life changing. Just jotted down a few thoughts on how to refocus my life so that I can make this life I am living the life that I am dreaming of. This doesn't mean that I plan on making a bunch of drastic changes trying to achieve the dream but rather that I am trying to let the life I have be the dream. It's not that I am promoting sitting on your laurels and not making an attempt to change your life in some way it needs to change, I am just suggesting that a shift in perspective can really help from time to time.
It's not easy to shift your perspective.
I am at this place in my life where I am again feeling the desire to just start "living". Our entire lives are one big transition right now and we do not know what the future holds. I don't know that we ever really know what the future holds but at times we have ideas about it, how we would like things to go. We have ideas about how we would like to live our lives and then there is how we actually live. I could write about that for days on end and still never finish. The truth is, I find myself living in a constant state of stress, we have out grown our home which means either we need more space or less stuff. I have tried to get rid of more stuff, less clutter helps. The truth is though when you have a child and it's their stuff that is taking up all the room you can't just get rid of it. For example we have a trampoline for one taking up lots of living room floor real estate right now, but its indoors and serves and great exercise for an energetic 3 year old. It's those decisions that are hard. Another Christmas has come and gone and guess what it brought more stuff. That is the nature of Christmas. All this stuff and not enough space makes for a very cluttered and messy home. I find myself longing to move somewhere with more storage space and a private yard. I want to put down roots... to not be in this place of this home is temporary. Temporary as it may be it at times feels like it is suffocating me and I get overwhelmed and I can't decide where to start in picking up or where to put things. It doesn't help that there is always something else begging for my attention. So you can see I was stuck in this cycle of so much to do, so overwhelmed and getting nothing done. The caveat there is that I function much better as a human being when my surroundings are orderly. I have been slowly getting things back in order but with a three year old and very little floor space for her to play on it gets cluttered quickly. Same goes for the kitchen, two square feet of counter space gets cluttered quickly. Just typing about it makes me tense.
Then on Friday I was exhausted from a night up with a sick kid. She took a nice long nap and instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to be productive I laid down too, and turned on the radio. I didn't fall asleep but I sat there and stared at the ceiling for a long time just listening to the radio. In those moments I reflected about my life before now and what my life has been so far. I was overwhelmed with this sense of peace, contentment. love and even hope for what is to come. Those moments are rare these days. I don't often like to say things like the next sentence but I feel I have to say it. I am working full time on a 90 credit masters degree, maintaining an internship and I am the primary caretaker of our 3 year old daughter. I am never able to sit and focus on one thing, at this very moment as I type these words she is pressing her full body weight into my side and my left arm is in a position that doesn't seem function-able. In that moment on Friday staring at the ceiling which is always orderly and with no child or dog pressing on me I realized that I need to refocus on the here and now. To enjoy these crazy hectic days for what they are and live in the moment because in between all the insanity that makes up our days, life is happening.
And alas it was just a moment, by Sunday night I found myself looking at houses as we drove by longingly thinking if we could just afford to rent a house maybe I could breathe. The thought that I did not get one response from potential sitters for the spring semester has started to creep back in. I have two Ordination exams this weekend that I have not had nearly enough time set aside to prepare for. I am trying not to freak out about that. I know myself and I know that over filling my brain will result in failure.
I sit here in a contorted position, as my kiddo competes for my attention which she feels she should have with out ceasing every hour of the day, trying to finish my sentences, longing for the peace I felt on Friday, as all that has to be done today runs through my head. I slow down and I say don't wish these days away, sooner than you think she won't want to come near you and you will long for the simplicity of life in Seminary. The grass is always greener anywhere but your own lawn.
Today I am grateful for moments of reflection that are filled with peace and somehow feel like the most authentic prayer I have ever known.