Last week I decided I needed to be more disciplined about my spiritual practices while not striving for perfection in them. For example, writing is one of my best practices; in theory even if I just scratched out three sentences or some notes in a day, I could accept that while not perfect, it was what I could do with that day. This is writing that on a really good day would not involve work but for personal fulfillment. I have tried many practices like this over time, writing is a stronghold. Others have included time in scripture, writing prayers, time in silence (not my best practice), and reading. I am trying to get to a place where I get back into the routine of many of these practices. Today as I sat down with three books, a Bible, and three journals... I thought perhaps just maybe I have set the bar too high here? My goal is to do these practices before work each day, this rarely happens. I squeeze them in other places but the ultimate goal would be to have a whole hour each day to spend with these practices, ideally adding back in silence because hey a girl can grow. An added curve ball is right now I am working with a book for lack of a better term is like a daily devotional but not about faith of any sort. It takes time and thought and pulls me so far out of my comfort zone that I will try to avoid it like the plague.
I can see here that I will not perfect this predawn routine. I can see that I will still struggle to see more than my favorite couple of yoga poses as physical spiritual practice. I can accept that I am not a person who finds deep spiritual satisfaction in exercise. Although a good routine does do wonders for my clarity any given day but tell me that when my hand is hitting the snooze button because just 8 more minutes will make a difference. What can I say even my morning person self is subject to weird logic when asleep.
I tend to always set the bar too high, I don't always reach the bar but it keep me reaching and pushing myself to do better. Yet I notice with the expectation I have set upon my over achieving self, even with discipline, I am setting myself up to fall short of where I want to be on this one. I would tell other people to have grace with themselves because working full time with little childcare and all the household responsibilities is a lot for anyone to manage. It is not what I tell myself, grace is so much easier when it is for someone else. It is all connected to that blasted perfectionism I wrote about yesterday, perfection isn't real I know that, could it be achieved I am not sure what it might give me other than a nervous breakdown.
Today I am grateful for this blog and my ability to write with out seeking perfection.