In he past week I have been "rejected" from a few things, most of them I am shrugging my shoulders at. One was a writing program I really wanted to attend later this year but I knew my odds of "getting in" were low. That is the only one that stung a little, even with the sting I know there are a few reasons why that didn't work out and I am mostly ok with that. The challenge has been having a few back to back that would otherwise not bother me has made me very aware of this concept of rejection. It is hard to quell the voice that screams "you aren't good enough" after several in a row. I am not losing sleep about it, just noticing what the invitation might be. I decided to write more and more, so there is already positive coming. Even if the writing lingers somewhere around forced and lacks meaning.
I guess there are moments when things that don't require a sorry it isn't you letter, feel similar to rejection. My struggle with fertility is often like that. We aren't getting any younger around here so we have upped our fertility game to some minor intervention which is about as far as we are going to go. On Monday I will start new medication since we have established the problem is with my body (we knew this already but now it is official). Today is cycle day one which means there was a bit of disappointment today. No matter how much I try I can't protect myself from that sort of disappointment I guess because by nature I am an optimist, I always find, even amidst my trying to be realistic a little bit of hope wanders in. It is quickly dashed against the rocks, every time, so I wonder why I even do it. Then again, a life with out hope for something more in our family, something better in our world seems rather pointless.
Today I am grateful for hope, even when it hurts. I am grateful for rejections that make me work harder toward the goal. I am grateful for those of you still around reading this old blog.