Tuesday, June 29, 2010

An Observation

Death does not discriminate. It takes whomever it pleases. I know that after years of life I should know this, especially with my particular life experience. This summer I have heard of the deaths of two people that I did not know but were known by people around me. I have watched it devastate the families of first a 10 year old and then a 21 year old.

My heart broke yesterday as my nephews learned that young healthy people are some times taken away from us far too soon.

I wondered about God. Does God discriminate? That is a whole blog in and of itself.

I have been reminded that our time here is short. We often don't know just how short. So today when I find myself living for the moment I won't let my more practical voice slow me down.

Yesterday, I was able to hold the people I care about for awhile. I am going to just embrace that and leave you. For as grateful as I find myself most days. I can not be grateful for the death of a young man way too soon.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Feeling God

So I thought about entitling this piece Finding God. However God found me a long time ago. Lately though my prayers have been those of a person who is seeking. I have been longing to become closer to God again. Then last night God's presence was so strong that even my distracted self couldn't ignore it. Was I in the car jamming out and getting my Jesus on you ask? Nope. Was I out in nature where I can always manage to find just a little glimmer of God and have had my most powerful kairos moments? Nope. Was I in some intensive retreat? Nope. Was I in a silent monastery? Nope. Was I with a group of teenagers trying desperately to accomplish something? Nope. These have all been places where I have met up with God before. I have come to expect God in those places. Was I in the middle of a powerful time of worship? Well sort of. I was at a Presbytery meeting which did start with worship. It was much later though when I felt that little God tug. Almost like a whisper of I am here. I was pretty darn surprised.

So today I find myself grateful that God still surprises me after all these years.

After typing those words I thought of it like a romance and how those little sparks fly when you add in the element of surprise even years later. I am not sure this is a romance but it certainly is a love story. Isn't it?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Moments Lived Together

I probably should have written this piece when I saw this and a few other pictures last week. It would have better captured the emotions. This is a picture of my family before it got turned upside down by disease. It was our first big family vacation, Disney World followed by time on the Gulf Coast of Florida. In the picture from the left, my cousin Shannon, my Mom, my Brother, that's me with the pigtails, my Grandmother and my Dad.

A year or two after this trip my dad got very sick. A year after that my brother (the one pictured because there are two) was diagnosed with cancer. He was five. He survived. My dad on the other hand did not his death though was two fold first he was sick, then institutionalized and some years later passed after his disease got the best of him.

This picture though is a whole different time in life. It was when I was still a child and didn't know what it meant to really get sick beyond a cold or a stomach bug.

I am so very grateful for this picture and it's friends. It captures a moment in my life that I don't remember. I remember the trip and the excitement it brought. I remember the long car ride. Where we slept at my grandparent's house. Rain in Epcot. A drag racing museum my dad dragged us to. It is a gift to have such a powerful memory, to be able to remember so far back and in vivid detail.

There weren't many more moments like this for us as a family. In knowing that I try to capture each one with my own little family. That's the great part about memories and pictures they freeze a moment in time.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Crappy Day

So today has been crappy. There is no other way to put it. It started with month two of no commission check from my hubby's job. Which led to an argument about need verses want. Then out to do the pay day errands. I successfully made it through my errands resisting all the material possessions I didn't need to bring home. I mentally tallied all the things that we would have to wait to be paid off another month. I worried for a few moments about how I would pay for things in the coming months.

Then I headed out to the grocery store where the dreaded buses sat and the produce department was less than stellar. My total was a little bit more than I anticipated. I came home and unpacked our rations for the next two and a half weeks. I was relieved that for the most part my work was done for the day.

As I folded up the reusable shopping bags I heard a yell from the next room, Rebecca come see this! There was my girl in her walker playing peek a boo. Understanding what she was doing looking all grown up. My eyes welled up with tears. Tears for what I am not sure. Joy, exhaustion maybe both. No matter what they were for they melted the stress of the day away.

My heart is filled with gratitude for those little moments.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hard to Wake up

I woke up this morning earlier than usual to the sounds of a screaming baby. I am not quite sure what was going on as Paul had her, proven by his absence in our bed. I got up anyway because she normally doesn't scream like that. Her problem you ask, she simply did not want her diaper changed. I have been up since. Paul and Lilia have gone back to bed. Which they both probably needed to do. I would love love love more sleep. However I have stayed up for a variety of reasons. In all honesty I am feeling a little cranky. I have little sleep. My toe nails that I worked so hard on painting yesterday got ruined by a pair of socks and I need to redo them. I am attempting to get out the door to church. It just feels flustering and frustrating.

So I stopped myself from going down that road. It's only nail polish after all. I can nap later. The mess in the house will still be here. I am grateful for Paul who let me sleep in an extra hour because he got up with Lilia. I am so blessed to have a husband who doesn't think baby care is all mom's work.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Little Moments

Today I find myself grateful that I am in a place in life where I can stay at home with Lilia and really enjoy watching her grow! It is so worth every moment of being broke. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even those moments when I feel like I might go crazy for various reasons... I am not trading them.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Long Day, Reflections

Today has been one of those long days for me. I did a lot of playing catch up on house work that got derailed since Thursday evening. I am officially caught up on all chores. The house is as clean as it is going to get for now. I also had a little bit of time to catch up with friends.

I find my gratitude today lies in this five minutes I get to myself before I retire for the evening. Undistributed by clutter or a to do list. Time to just breathe and listen to the rain and enjoy the fan. I am letting the heat of the day rush away on the breeze.