Outgrowing the toy store!

Say it isn't so. Today we took our eldest nephew Colt to the toy store. He is turning 12 next week. He called me this morning and asked to hang out with me and the gang because he was bored. So he was excited to learn we would be going to Toys R Us so I could get a price adjustment. Can I come with you? Sure. What he didn't know was this morning when Uncle Paul went the store he also acquired a fifty dollar bill. His birthday gift. As he gets older I lean toward gift cards but I thought he would love to have that big bill in his hand. So while Paul handled our price adjustment, I followed him to the "boy" section. He looked at a lot of things. He didn't get really excited about anything though. He actually didn't even go into the video game section. Odd, right?

Say it isn't so, but I think he is outgrowing the toy store! He was my very first little dude this can't be happening! We left and he still had almost all of his money. All he wanted were a few cars. So he is saving the rest for a trip he is going on next week.

What I found most interesting was as he looked at things he wanted to buy things for his nephew and his sister. I told him I thought that was very nice but he should spend his money on him because it was after all his birthday. That's the funny thing, he is a handful at times. However if you can get past that, he is the most caring, compassionate, thoughtful boy.

Sigh, why does he have to grow up so fast?

A Funny

Becca: " I want to live in Kampala for 6 months - 1 year."
Paul: "OK"
Becca: "I think I want to live in Italy for awhile."
Paul: "OK"
Becca: "I think I would like to live in a cabin in the woods for awhile."
Paul: "Alright."
Becca: "I think I want to live on a farm."
Paul: " Sounds Good."
Becca: "I think I want to live in a beach house for a year."
Paul: "Don't you want to just visit anywhere? Maybe you should have a show about all the places you live for a year."

Dive in

OK but the truth is although I am an avid swimmer and underwater gymnast I just can't dive. I have tried for years and years to learn how to dive. I still can't do it. I look like some sort of leaping creature landing on my face or belly.

So yesterday when I accidentally hit submit on my graduate school application it felt like jumping in an ice cold pool in May. I can't say I dove in because I don't know how to dive. I know the application was complete I looked it over multiple times as did Paul. I was having trouble uploading my essays and I hit submit not save. It was sent with out the essays. Which I was able to quickly remedy.

It just all felt so sudden. I felt panicked because I wasn't quite ready to hit submit. I guess in the end it was like ripping off a band aid. Did it quick so it hurts less. I hope that one day I will be writing on here about how hysterical that moment was. Today though I am still feeling like I have just jumped into a cold pool.

I am sure just as my anxiety calms I will get some sort of acceptance or rejection. Those are to be dealt with later.

The Non-blog

I am so cranky and moody today that I am abstaining from blogging. I fear it would be nasty and bitter and ridiculous all wrapped up in one. What has me in this mood you ask? Nothing, your guess is as good as mine. Little miss has not only been sleeping she has been sleeping well. Waking up and self soothing and last week this was my biggest stress. She even is eating again and going to bed with out being held. So it isn't that. IDK so I will let it go.

From the Past

Today a series of random things which I can not even recall in their entirety led me down a path of thought, while Paul was in the food store making use of the ATM. That seems like a silly detail I know but it is integral to my thought pattern or path or what ever you like to call it.

First though this is a warning. There are certain parts of my life I just don't talk about ever. Things you likely don't know unless you grew up with me or you are Paul. I know this is heartbreaking for me to write and I know that for many of my compassionate readers it might be equally hard to stomach so here is your chance to click on by this post. Also I ask that you save you don't judge my mother. She was in a terribly hard place and had suffered several stressful events. Ultimately she was trying to do what any parent would do, what was best for her kids. I do not harbor anger, so you shouldn't either.

In case for some strange reason you do not know about my father's illness, here is the short version, one day when I was 8 he went into a coma after being misdiagnosed by numerous Doctors. He was in that coma for 8 days suffering many mini strokes and I believe some hear failure. His survival was the first of its kind for the disease he was fighting. No one had survived past the coma. Note my shiny happy optomist here, this means our loss and his suffering lead to amazing medical progress. That means there is some little girl out there that still has her dad or mom. I digress, he had serious brain damage and had to relearn everything but speech. Half his body was was near paralysis and wouldn't ever recover fully. After a year of living in hospitals and rehab he came home on December the 23 just in time for Christmas. A glorious memory. Dale my youngest brother and I were excited out of our skin.

Eventually, with in a year or so, my dad was sent to live the remaining 9 years of his life in a nursing home. (He fell a lot and was violent from his medications.) Well many nursing homes, he got moved around a lot. We went to visit him about twice a year. Christmas and his birthday if we were lucky. Otherwise he stayed day in and day out in his room with his roommate waiting for the day he could come home.

Dale and I missed him like crazy. I spent my days planning how I would get a job and move him out of which ever nasty home he was in at the time. I would take care of him so he didn't have to be alone. When I started driving I went once a week to have dinner with him. I ended up spending a good portion of the money I made at my first job on food for him because he was always hungry. He was legally blind and barely had control of his hands at this point. They would serve him peas with a fork. I sobbed the night I saw that. Once a week I bought him things like Pizza, Subs, McDonalds, Ice Cream and his very favorite, Rodeo Cheeseburgers from BK. Until I moved away to college this was our ritual every week. That same year I took him Christmas shopping with my brother Dale. At the same shopping center I was waiting for Paul in today.

I started thinking about how everyone forgot my dad after two years. Everyone meaning all the adults around us. His family, his friends, his wife and step kids. They all stopped going to see him because it was simply too hard. I should say there were a handful that still visited occasionally as in a few times a year. I believe right until the end my one Uncle took him out a couple times a year. Anyhow, I thought of how everyday he woke up and was stuck in that place unable to go anywhere unable to live life. He had the mentality of a twelve year old but I know he missed terribly the outside world. I was overwhelmed thinking about this today. I was also angry. How could every one have just moved on? How could they let someone they loved so dearly just wither and die like that?

Like I said I dreamed of busting him out of there from the time I was little. I remember one time Dale riding his bike nearly 7 miles to go visit because no one would drive him. So when I got home today and was nearly in tears about how horrible that last ten years of my father's life must have been, I texted Dale. I knew if anyone understood what I was feeling he would and he did, and I think it is the most emotion we have exchanged in a long time. We both hate the way it ended. We were kids though and there wasn't much we could do, I think that is the only reason I can live with myself.

So to my dad where ever you are. I hope you know how much we hated that. How much we loved you and wanted you home. Probably as much as you loved us. We tried so hard to get you back. We understood you never meant to harm us or hurt us. I am so sorry everyone walked away and left you to live in that hell. Dale and I well we turned out alright. If nothing else it has made me the compassionate woman I am today. Your suffering taught me how to feel and how to do what I could. I firmly believe that there are less people suffering in the world because of what I witnessed. It has stayed with me and inspired me to ease suffering in anyway I can. It has helped me to see the other side and put myself in the others shoes. I know this didn't make your suffering any less. Part of me hopes that you didn't know what was going on but in my heart I know you did. I was just a kid and you know that. I am sorry Dad that you had to live like that and die like that. We think of you often.

I don't know what was best for us, I think my mom made a mistake but I also understand what she was trying to protect us from. She wanted us to have normal childhoods. At least I have Dale, at least cancer didn't take him away from me. Honestly even though he is so far away on the "left" coast, he is the only one who can fully understand this.

If you have made it this far, thanks for sharing in the journey.

Christmas

I have a Christmas blog brewing. I know it is so early to think of such things but I have a lot of things to say. Just not right now. So check back soon to see what I have to say about Christmas, gifts, why you celebrate and my own dilemmas.

A Birthday Prayer

I thank you God for this day. I thank you for this life you have given me. I pray that I will use it to do your work, to create change in the world. To leave the world just a little better then when I arrived. I am so grateful for the many opportunities of my life thus far and will embrace the one's yet to come. I will not dwell today on my age and life gone by. I will rest gratefully knowing I am simply blessed. I have purpose and my gift is a life to use it. I am ready to embrace the future with your guidance God. So often we get stuck in the Earthly trappings of the anniversary of our births. Let me let the Earthly things float peacefully away and rest in my knowing your purpose and will.

May you hear the many quiet prayers of my heart.

Amen.

Doubt & Fear

A few nights ago in the middle of the night when Lilia woke us all up with more of her antics doubt came rushing into my being uninvited of course. Slyly and slowly fear crept in behind him. Lucky for me their lover the past wasn't with them and hasn't shown up. I can't seem to shake them. I don't know how they got here in the first place. I certainly didn't invite them. I wonder if they had been knocking all along and my late night stupor allowed the vulnerability to let them in. Or maybe it was that I was just emotional and the feelings weren't real. I doubt that possibility because they have stuck with me so long. The are just moments away from paralyzing me.

Thoughts are flooding in. How will you do this? You can barely handle what's on your plate now. It's so much reading. It's so much work. Why bother even finishing the application? Maybe you just aren't cut out for this? What if you fail, again? (There is a little bit of past.) What if you just aren't good enough? What if you aren't smart enough? They are endless in the pestering.

I am sending you a message doubt and fear... with all due respect and there isn't much due, SHUT UP! I know with every fiber of my being that I can do anything I really put my mind to. I know that this call is of God and not me. I know that I can accept God's challenges and grow. So doubt and fear don't get comfortable here because I will send you packing when you don't see it coming.

Excited (to be scheming)

It's a double blog day. I am very excited to be scheming about a little something we will call the college application party. Yep Yep. Since my fellow partier is a regular reader of my blog I can't go into details but I think we are going to have a great time. My party wheels are a turning.

In other party news I really want to have a pumpkin decorating contest but I don't think any one will come. Some people just don't understand the beauty of crafting and eating and drinking together. Phhhhssssssshhhhhh I will just decorate away!

Judgment

We all do it. We someone we don't even know and our mind races with judgment. We pull our purses a little closer or walk a little faster sometimes. Maybe sometimes it's just instinct which is probably a good thing. We need to be intuitive when we could be in harms way. However, if you are anything like me you probably do it with out even noticing. I wonder how many of my judgments have denied me the chance at a good friendship?

For me a lot has to do with how people dress. I am not a fashionista. I am not looking for some name brand label. I judge nearly everyone I see that dresses like a thug. That is just one judgment I make. Usually in my head I think seriously, how is any one every going to take you seriously if you dress like that. Or you have a kid grow up you are too old to have your pants circling your thighs rather than your behind.

There are plenty of others too. I guess my point is I wonder what would happen if I suspended judgment? What if everyone did? Would the world be a better place?

I guess I am just reflecting on how easily those judgments come for me. I know my faith calls me to something different. So just some thoughts. Share yours.

I give in...

So next week. I turn 30. I have been trying to ignore this fact for a very long time. I have been delaying even acknowledging that this will occur. I kept telling myself a few more months. Honestly though this is the first time I really care about my age. My 20s have been good to me. They have brought, learning and adventure and love. They have brought lots of negative stuff but we can let that just slip away into the night.

Over the course of time I thought I would be a lot of things by the time I was 30. I am not many of them and for the most part I am OK with that. For the most part. There are moments when I have regrets but then again why get caught up in that. Every action has a consequence right? So if I made different decisions I wouldn't be where I am right now. Where I am right now is alright. It's not ideal but then again what is? If I had the house, career and three kids I thought I would have I am not so sure I would have found satisfaction. I have learned that life is so much more than material things and prestige. How I wish I could teach that to other people. I digress.

I guess what I am saying is that even though I am not who I thought I would be, even though there are disappointments and set backs. I am glad it has turned out how it has thus far. That is a hard thing for me. Sometimes I get a little too wrapped up in what should have been. Sometimes I get a little too wrapped up in the day to day. Sometimes I think I am beyond my years in searching for meaning in this thing we call life. It drives me batty when people just live in the daily grind, work, kids, housework, bills. Really people there is so much more to it than that. I promise there is.

When I was 20 if you had told me the day would come when I was ok with my "mistakes" I would have scoffed at you. That is the difference a decade of living makes. So I am left with this wild curiosity of what the next decade will bring. Maybe it will bring some of the things I thought this decade would have brought, maybe it won't I guess it's alright anyway you look at it. It's that whole trusting God thing.

So with so many positive things to say about a decade of living why then am I whining about this new one. Maybe it's because I don't feel ready. I feel like there are still things I need to finish up which I know is a direct contradiction to my previous it's alright statement. That's how it goes inside my head though. Part of me has this urge to run out and do something incredibly immature as a way of kissing my 20s goodbye. Maybe that's it... your 30s there is no denying you are a grown up and you should have your shit together. Your 20s are more of a grace period. Or maybe it's my own struggle with mortality. Sometimes I feel it, mortality, like a clock ticking loudly from another room. That's a lesson I learned well before my 20s though. Is that what makes me different? I am not sure. All I know is that when compared to my peers I am different. Different sorts of things matter to me and it's always been that way.

Hmmm,,,, Maybe then my 30s (choke gasp gag turns purple) will be about not making goals or at least too many goals. Maybe it will be about following God. Maybe it is about not caring much about being different. All I know is I want to live this one life to the fullest. I want to change the world along the way. I want to get my little voice heard. I want to be anything but ordinary. I want to leave my mark here. I do NOT want to wake up 30 years from now on the eve of my 60th birthday regretting things because I have lead an ordinary life. I mean I only get one I ought to make it count.

When I started writing this piece I was stuck on how much I don't have it together. Now though upon further reflection, I changed my mind I do have it together. It just isn't in the traditional sense of having it together. In this very moment I do not care that I do not own a home. Owning a home would tie me down. Maybe home ownership just isn't for me. It really does allow for more opportunities at times.

I have spent hours recently trying to figure out how many kids we should have and how they should come into the world. I am resolving right here to letting that go. God will know and then I will know exactly what is right. Ha God already knows I am pretty sure.

OK deep breathe and it's going to be OK. I'm going to look forward with anticipation of all the new memories that my 30s will bring. The experiences, and adventures. I am going to trust God's plan and stop making so many of my own.

My goals for my 30s will be simple.
1. Finish Master's Degree
2. Pay off all school related debt.
3. Live everyday to the fullest.
4. Trust God on the journey.
5. Make healthy decisions for my body.


Upon rereading this I noticed something. Most of your life is lived in your adult years. I am sure that is on purpose. So maybe just maybe the part of my life where I act like a child is over. Maybe I have more responsibility now but I still get to live and love. Maybe that's the difference some people stop living when they hit adult hood. I can still live just in a more mature sort of way.

But seriously I feel old but thirty here I come. I am not running at you with my arms wide open though. I am kind of kicking and screaming and saying no I don't want to like a toddler about to get a shot. Then I am sure it won't be that bad just like your mother told you real quick just a pinch. I guess what really matters is how I react to that pinch do I cry hysterical or do I suck it up and get on with my day.

Intentional Gratitude Returns

So my little lady is driving me bonkers today. Bonkers I tell you! So instead of coming on here to write about all the things that are driving me nuts I am going to tell you about all the super adorable things she has done lately.

Sunday night she copied me doing an entire series of hand motions.

Yesterday she squealed with joy when I let her play with a pen. (Although she did later stab me in the neck with it and shove it up my nose in a fast one two motions. I share this purely for it's comic value.)

She is starting to walk just a little on her own.

She rather enjoys tearing paper to shreds.

She tried to eat the trombone on her fun table. This was hilarious.

I never tired of watching her discover new things.

There are probably a bunch more I could list but they are slipping my mind.

I do feel much better now though. So mission accomplished!

That Sort of Day

So yesterday I was super productive. I did all sorts of household tasks including decorating the front lawn for Halloween. Which I must be honest I am not feeling it like I have in years past. Anyhow, I continued this morning with my productivity. One of the tasks I completed was rushing around and depositing a ton of stuff in my mailbox for the mail person to pick up. I went outside this afternoon and noticed that the mail hadn't come yet. Right of course it didn't because it's Columbus Day. That little story pretty much sums up my day.

One more thought 3D movies give me a massive head ache.

Flaws

Everyone comes with a set of flaws some more able to be overcome than others. I don't want to get all pessimistic on you but I do want to reflect on some things in the hope of finding growth in that reflection.

When I loose things I go a little crazy. Especially if one of those things is part of a set. I am a little obsessive about sets. I need all the pieces. This is why I try not to have collections of anything because I want all the pieces. I have gotten better at the whole set thing over the years. Like when I was working on Lilia's room I didn't buy the matching curtain even though it was part of the bedding set because I hated it. I know that this seems logical to others but for me it was a huge step.

Currently missing are a very soft and pretty yellow burp cloth. It's one of only two actual burp cloths we had for Lilia. An orange pacifier is also missing. As far as baby things go I think we have everything else in check. I know that the pacifier is here somewhere. The burp cloth though is driving me bonkers it keeps invading my thoughts. I know that this is silly. That eventually it should turn up. I doubt I have left it somewhere. Just this morning I dug threw a dresser and closet. Then I started looking other random places it could be and compiled a mental list of more places to look. Like behind the couches and chairs. In the couch cushions.

In grown up world I lost an eye liner and I can remember exactly when I lost it but I can't remember where I was standing. I heard something fall from my make up bag looked at it and thought oh it's all there. Then I went to do my make up and one eyeliner is missing. I could buy a new one but where the heck did it go.

Lastly, I have an old memory key that has been missing for about 2 years that I am hoping is in the garage. It has all my eulogies on it. That every once in awhile invades my thoughts and drives me bonkers as well.


Next up how I function in general. If I have a big project I need to work on that requires focus per say writing an essay or editing a film, I have to have everything else done first or I can not focus. So if I need to write an essay I have to clean up the house first. I know that this is totally insane. I just function and focus better when there aren't any messes around me. So much so I had a little mini break down about it yesterday. Looking forward to being a student again I have to balance my need for a clean and orderly home with the demands of school. Just thinking about it sent me into a panic.

Now let's reflect on that whole school thing. I haven't finished my application let alone been accepted. Which means there is only one thought I should have on the whole matter. Finish the application, which is something I will do before I turn thirty. I better get a move on. That is it. Simply put there is absolutely nothing else that I can do to get ready for this. Then once I hit the send key there is nothing else I can do except wait and see if I get accepted. I know this. However thoughts on this keep popping up out of no where. Like I open the linen closet and I start looking at everything I can get rid of before the move. Or I look at the Halloween decorations and think that can't make the move and I get a little sad. They are just things. Things that I am having thoughts about. Thoughts that may not even need to be had. I look at the swing set and think do we pay to store it. It is endless.

OK so that all being said. I am easily distracted lately. So today I said to myself I am going to spend just one minute of every day focusing on my breathe and nothing else. I have got to let my mind be quiet sometimes. So I will start one minute at a time just being quiet and still. It's a start and maybe soon visions of that yellow burp rag will leave my head.

Happy Day!

I can tell you exactly what I was doing six years ago today. I was getting ready for our wedding day. In some ways it feels like really only six years but most of the time it's six years already? Add to that our 7 years of dating and you get 13 years together. Obviously with a few breaks when I was a young-in.

It is rather fun to reflect back on the life we have lived together so far. It has been a ride to say the least. I look forward to all the new memories. With Lilia they come easy.

Also the day wouldn't be complete with out remembering my dad, who would have turned 62 today. May he rest in peace. It's interesting now that I have Lilia I miss him more than ever. I wish they could know each other.

Louisville, now what?

So if you don't already know I spent last weekend at Louisville Seminary. I was there exploring the programs available in which I can pursue my Master's Degree. Now I must put a big qualification on this blog entry. Please do not under any circumstance leave some way to go or you can do it comment. I know I can do it. Also please don't go around blabbing that I am moving to Louisville. NO SUCH decision has been made. I am merely exploring my options and that is all I am doing. I am taking little steps that are moving me closer to obtaining an excellent graduate education. After the whole Princeton debacle that ended with not only my own feelings of disappointment, I had to deal with those who had been so supportive of me too. I do not want that burden this time around. It was a terrible thing to be so disappointed and know that you had let down those who believed in you. This is why I have been some what secretive this go around. It's all kind of personal for me.

Now that all being said, exactly what I feared would happen, happened this weekend. I fell in love with just about everything Louisville had to offer. Actually the only thing I wasn't impressed with was the student housing which left a thing or ten to be desired. Maybe it isn't love, maybe it was I heard God's call so clearly that it can't be ignored. From the time I left Princeton I knew I wasn't done with Seminary. However this was like God saying, I have called you here, it's time, welcome home. A very powerful experience. On that has left me flying high for days. It feels as if I was lifted out of some sort of depression I didn't know I was in. My heart is lusting after God not prestige and that make's a world of difference.

So I am trying to just take it one step at a time, so right now that means applying and getting accepted to LPTS. Then we can start to take the next steps. Last night I faced my Princeton fears and had e-mail exchange with the admissions department about the nightmare like semester. That was a huge step in this process for me.

All the stuff that comes after the acceptance letter is the stuff that has me a little crazy. Ironic I know because I have yet to finish and file the application let alone receive an acceptance. I do not even know if I will receive this letter when all is said and done. However, my mind is spinning in 1000 directions. So my thought was maybe I should write it out.

In the past I never had to think much about things like a move this far away. Paul and I were always game for anything. Now we have Lilia and I find myself wrestling with what is the best decision for her. On the one hand it means leaving her warm colorful room and being the center of her mom's world. Yet on the other, it means she gets to see an example of a woman working hard to better the life of her family and to serve God. It's a toss up anyway you look at it.

I do not want to bore you with the details. There are so many details. I will leave you with this, I will continue to take one step at a time and worry about the details as they come. I am going to notice that being a mom makes me think differently. I have faith that if I am attentive to God's call then I will be exactly where I need to be.

Keeping it Light

I am kind of back logged on blogs and today I am keeping it easy. Some observations from my trip.

1. I saw Mennonites and Hasidic (SP) Jews at the same rest area at the same time. This was like a dream for a religion junkie.

2. Trucks full of live stock nearly make me cry. Especially when you can tell the little loves are so over crowded they can barely move. Baby pigs are especially heart breaking.

3. I love looking down into valley towns as we drive along interstates, night time is even better.


Totally unrelated, I want these so bad but they aren't for sale! I also do not have the skills to make them.

Jesus?

So last week I spent some time with my friend Tara in Cincinnati. We went out for a girls night. Nothing over the top just dinner and a drink. She has told me a few times about the homeless people there and how sometimes they ask for food if you are carrying left overs from a restaurant. She also told me she often does this because you know they are legit if they ask for your food. What harm can giving them something to eat do.

So we finished up our outdoor dinner and headed over a few doors to a martini bar, which seems to be all the rage in Cincinnati. As we were walking out I noticed a homeless woman sleeping up right on a bench. I should note that we were in a square that was like a park with out grass. So the businesses looked out onto an area with a fountain and some trees. Think Bryant Park if you know Manhattan, but smaller. So I am guessing this is a safe place for her to sleep.

Now my heart sank I noticed and thought what could I do for her? I was immediately wrapped up in guilt because I had just over indulged in a dinner out and was on my way to have a good time. I felt guilty for what I had and how I was choosing to use my resources. Did I mention that Tara is the Catholic one in this relationship? Yep but I was getting my Catholic caliber guilt on. So we walked on had a drink and then started heading home. Eventually I pushed the sleeping woman out of my head and let myself enjoy my time with Tara. I do not get time with Tara nearly enough, after all. So we drank our drinks and started heading back to her apartment, our route would take us past sleeping homeless lady again.

As we approached another person came walking up who at first I thought was a child but turns out she was a woman. I thought she was going to sit with the other homeless lady. I had to walk past her and I felt my body tense and I went into automatic NYC mode put my head down and took brisk steps because she was yelling something. I was a few steps past when Tara was gone because she had heard what this homeless, woman who was a little off was saying. This human being, this loved child of God was saying, "Ma'am can I have your food?" Tara didn't skip a beat and handed over her take out box. I would have but I didn't have one. I let those left over french fries go to waste. I wasted food with out thinking twice about it. Not the norm for me if I am home but I guess being out I didn't think of it.

So this of course led me on a theological excursion of sorts with a parallel journey of self exploration. First why didn't I hear this child of God? Simply because I chose not to. OUCH!!! Why was my reaction what it was, head down quick steps? Was it my up bringing? Was it instinct? If you know me you know that I would fight for this woman's cause in a heart beat, but I didn't. Dare I say that maybe I was talking the talk and not walking the walk. OUCH, Again! So maybe I need to overcome what ever it is that stopped me and pray that God would allow me to hear the words of all his children. My actions that night really treated that woman like she wasn't human or worthy of being heard. OH OUCH again! God Forgive Me! I failed in those moments to live like Jesus. Noted God and changing.

My next question is this who was Jesus in this moment? First I must say I really saw Jesus in Tara in that moment. Her faith shined through. She was certainly acting from a place of God's love. I think she reacted exactly how Jesus would have reacted if he saw a hungry homeless woman who wanted his left over take out box. So Tara if you read this, I saw Jesus in you in that moment.

Hold up though, there is the pesky scripture about, when I was hungry you didn't feed me, when were you hungry Lord? What you do to my brothers and sisters you do to me. So then would the homeless woman begging for food then be Jesus? I can tell you that I can't forget her face. Honestly I think both people were Jesus in this case. I think both are just as loved by God. I am also pretty sure that I failed Jesus that night, along with my faith and the woman who was hungry. OUCH OUCH OUCH.

I am humbled and grateful that God is gracious. I am aware that I am in need of grace as much as that woman was. God make my heart wide open to all of your people!