The Little Things

The other day I was mid-post when Paul gave me so bad news. So today it's make up time. I have been really enjoying my little lady lately. She is growing so much and talking so much. She does at least one thing a day that makes me sit back and say wow or how did she learn that?

This fall when I take on two full days of school and 12 credits worth of homework, I am going to miss this. Even the very worst day of being a full time stay at home mom. I have been so blessed to have this time with her. Things have been tight but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Sometimes I think we have it all wrong because I haven't finished my degrees, we haven't bought a house but we have her. The thing is though that had we done those things I would not have been able to spend this time with her. So the timing on all of it was just perfect.

As I close this chapter on her first two years and we move half way across the country I am so grateful for these little amazing moments with her!

May you be blessed by some small moment of wonder with someone you love.

How Paul Surprises Me

If you don't know me in real life, Paul is my husband. We will be married 7 years this October. We have been together 14. He rarely does something unexpected we have been together long enough that we can anticipate most anything about the other.

Yesterday his boss called him and told him today would be his last day of work. His company felt it made the best business sense to let him go now. That did not make sense for our family at all. It meant loosing a bunch of pay checks we needed. While we have some saved for the move we certainly don't have enough saved for the move and to live off of for a month.

I was having the most peaceful morning yesterday. At 9 am all I had to do the rest of the day was shower, walk the pooch and go have a girls day with Lilia and our friends around the corner. At 10 Paul walked into the room hyperventilating. Then he told me what was going on. He was angry and hurt. I was just angry. The day dragged on and we started figuring things out. What we haven't sold yet that has value that we could sell. We even found some odd jobs to pick up. He researched unemployment.

Then Paul called his boss and gave him a hard time. He plead a good case on employee loyalty and hard work. After a lot of negotiating his boss agreed to see what else could be done. Paul is now working until the current pay period ends. He has secured all of his paychecks and commissions except for one. The side jobs we have lined up should cover that. He also has medical coverage until the day we move.

I am floored. I never anticipated his company bosses having a change of heart, but they did. We had a lot of people praying for us yesterday so I think God gets some of the credit.

So life goes on as planned until at least next Friday.

Paul over came anger and hurt to negotiate for himself and his family. That my friends is pretty darn impressive to me. I would have gone with spiteful anger. I would have told them come to my lawn and pick up the office equipment they wanted back because I was not going to go out of my way to bring it back. I would have done that immediately on the first phone call. Paul was so caught of guard that he didn't say much of anything. He took the day to process what had happened and then found a route that worked for him.

It's not a perfect happy ending but I think most of us (read that I) have a lot to learn from Paul. It was really important to him to leave this job on good terms. Somehow despite all the odds he found a way to do that and make it work for our family. The compromise isn't ideal or perfect but he got what he wanted and no compromise is ever perfect.

Today I am grateful that Paul surprised me with how he reacted and that he was able to get what he wanted.

May you be blessed with some character surprise in your love.

Inspiration

I have been editing as you might have noticed in one of the other bazillion posts I have mentioned it in. This involves me watching a whole lot of footage over and over again. Much of which ends up on "the cutting room floor".

The documentary I am working chronicles a relationship between our friends Caleb and Rhita just outside Kampala, Uganda and our church here in New Jersey. I need to write an entire post about their amazing work which really is a life choice since it all blends together. Anyhow I just needed to say that while reviewing some edits Paul made last night while I was attending to a very upset toddler, I found myself in awe of Caleb and so darn inspired.

Three years ago when I visited Caleb and Rhita there was a dream to buy a piece of land and build a compound of sorts so all the children they care for could be in one place. I just reviewed video of Caleb walking us around the land, the dormitory, the house, the kitchen, the WELL, the future garden. Caleb Rhita and all the kids are living the dream. I don't know if I am just sappy or if it was the early morning hour, I found myself a little weepy watching Caleb show us around.

I am so inspired by Caleb and Rhita and how far they have come in just 3 short years. I think what makes this particular dream being lived out so meaningful is that it was never for them, the dream was for the kids. How daring to dream a dream for someone else! What courage and perseverance to live it out!

Today I am so grateful to be blessed by knowing Caleb and Rhita and their ever growing family.
May you be blessed by some sort of inspiration.

Just Gratitude

This weekend has been a pretty rough one, emotional roller coaster in so many ways. Also working hard on finishing this documentary. I should mention we are finally in the home stretch!

I just wanted to post how incredibly grateful I am for a loving and supportive church family. Today I dragged my booty to church solo, to find so much love and support. The kind words were endless, God was there. I am so glad that I decided to start this process with my home church. I couldn't imagine doing it with folks who haven't known me.

Learning to Let Go

I will start with learning to let it go and learning to let go are two very different things. Sometimes we have to let things go other wise we become grumpy old people who sit around with nothing better to do than mutter to ourselves about those young kids pants. I have seen myself on this track several times and I quickly self correct. I don't want to be a lonely old woman. I want my hubby sitting there next to me, rocking in his chair. I don't want to alienate myself from everyone around me. So at times I have learned somethings you just have to let go.

Now there is this whole other thing, the art of letting go. Letting it go for me is letting something that gets under your skin just float breathlessly into the night with out giving it much attention. Letting go for me is defined more as letting go of something that formally had meaning in your life, a home, a relationship, a missed opportunity, you get the idea.

As I sit here I have found that it is much easier for me to let go of somethings. In the past few years I have let a lot of relationships go. They weren't life giving so it wasn't worth putting my life into them. You follow? I am looking out the window at the trees which I have loved since girlhood, my daughters toys in the yard and it makes me a little sad letting go of these things. So while I have found getting rid of the junk easy, yard sales will do that, letting go of my trees and my daughters place to run free is much harder. I suppose though, that I am on my way. When I let go I guess I am open to something new there wasn't room for before.


I am grateful that I am slowly learning these things and I have great hope for the things to come.
Today may you be blessed by letting go of something that burdens you.

37

37 the number of days I have left until the big move.

2 the number of clearance art pieces I bought last night for less than $2. Even though I said I wasn't buying anything for the new place until we got there. I couldn't pass them up.

5 the number of things I am frustrated about.

842478247382947923 The number of unflattering things I want to say about people on my blog just to vent. Lets include in that number trivial things I would like to b*tch and moan about.


1 the number of beautiful babies I have, for which I am very grateful.
Endless.... blessings what I wish for you.

Late Night/Early Morning

I stayed up late last night clicking link after link on the internet. I was reading about the quiverfull movement. There is a new book out on it written by an "outsider" which I am itching to get my paws on. I read for hours first hand accounts of women who left. Random people's opinions and saw the darkest side of this movement. Before I knew it, it was 1 am. I dragged my very tire behind to bed. At 2 am Lilia was up and ready to parrrrrrtttttttyyyyy! I sat up with her until 4. She was up by 8 this morning. I am dragging to say the least. I am not sure if I had an early morning or a late night at this point.

I do know that for some reason a zen like calm came over me at 2 am and even though I was tired and cranky and anticipating today's zombie like state from lack of sleep, I was grateful to hold this little girl in my arms, the little girl I prayed for, for what seemed like an eternity, the one who is so full of promise, who can do anything she wants with her life because she isn't being raised in a sect that doesn't value women beyond motherhood, my beautiful God given daughter.

Today I am grateful that my daughter has the chance to live to her fullest potential whatever that may be.

I am so blessed to have my beautiful healthy child, even at 2 am.

My Stomach and Caillou

The past three days I have had a bit of a stomach bug. Since Sunday evening basically eating has lead to almost immediate digestion and a visit to the toilet. This was not particularly concerning to me because every so often when my Aunt Flo comes for a visit this symptom comes with her. Today I asked Paul to run to the store and get me some medicine. I am not a taker of medicine but today I thought well it's not getting any better. I don't know why I didn't take it sooner. I feel like myself again. A bit tired but much better and I haven't seen the bathroom in hours. I even ate a bagel several hours ago.

Yesterday as long as I didn't eat solid food and I stayed still I felt ok. I spent all day locked in the family room with Lilia watching Caillou. She absolutely adores Caillou. This was one of the shows I have long hated. Years before Lilia was even conceived, I voted against Caillou, he annoys me. Yesterday though he kept Lilia happy and entertained while I tried to recover. I want to share with you some observations, how is it his name is Caillou and his sister Rosie? I thought he was Asian but I am not sure he is supposed to be. Why doesn't Caillou have hair? He is a little old to still be baby bald isn't he? Why is it Caillou is almost always in shorts and that weird shirt with short sleeves but all the adults are in long pants and sweaters? This seems irresponsible, I don't really like Caillou but someone buy him a sweater! Assuming Caillou's Mom did the decorating in the house she must really like hearts, they are on everything but the cat and the kids. The walls, the floors, the chairs, the toy box. Hearts are everywhere. On another note, George Carlin did the voice of Grandpa until 2008. One of the Caillou voice actors was killed in a car accident. Caillou is not from Japan or China as one might assume based on his look and Asian style shirt... he was created in Canada. Caillou's toys are mighty expensive, I googled them. I thought maybe I would pick one up for Lilia. I must say as much as the whiny brat Caillou annoys me it is really fantastic to watch Lilia sing the theme song. I bought her a Caillou book last week and watching her identify things like colors, the phone and Caillou is rather amusing to me.

Today I am grateful for knock off brand Imodium and Caillou, even if I can't stand his whiny little but.
May you be blessed by gratitude for some of your first world experiences.

Almost There

Let me start with an update from last weeks post on my massive to do list. I finished just about everything but the editing and the celebratory drink. I am to a point where all I have to do is pack up the house and with 40 days left I am in no rush, I am an excellent packer. I will breeze through it. I also learned I can't book a storage unit until we are just a month away. So just in case you were sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what happened to my public to do list you now have the conclusion. We are in the home stretch. It's getting exciting and emotional.


Last night I went before session and was approved to be recommended to the CPM as an inquirer. That part was pretty easy because I wasn't very nervous since it is like being with family. I am pretty comfortable in my own skin with most people at our church. I will miss them greatly when we leave.


Lastly, I am really glad that we have choices when it comes to parenting. Lilia has been giving us trouble sleeping. I think she is starting to feel our stress about the move. She did sleep well last night so hopefully we are on a new course. Anyhow, I had been trying to curb her binky habit an decided to wait until after the move, I think she needs that comfort until after we get settled. The potty on the other hand is going a little better. I think if I stay consistent we might be on our way to potty trained soon.

Today I am grateful for an amazing church family and choices in parenting.
May you be blessed by knowing you are loved.

The Lesson My Dad Didn't Mean to Teach Me

Dad's teach you lots of things. 12.5 years ago today mine died. I have found in the past week I think about him a lot. I was getting really anxious about the big move which for the record is just a mere 42 days away. I think it is also safe to say that all of my large move related projects are out of the way. That means I just have to pack. I digress. Just in case you are new here, my dad got sick when I was 8. He had a mystery illness that doctors kept saying was in his head. He eventually slipped into a coma at our house while I was down the street playing with my friends. I left in the morning, slept over because my dad was rushed to a hospital in another state. I never saw my dad again. I saw his body, I heard him talk. He wasn't my dad anymore. He was a guy that looked like my dad and sounded like him but he didn't really act like him. He had massive brain damage. He started to recover but didn't get very far. When I was 18 he died.

That day though when he was here not feeling well one day and gone the next, it has influenced my entire life. I try to live and not get stuck in the daily grind which is incredibly hard. Back to the point, this week when I was tossing around some of the lingering feelings of loosing my dad and the emotional difficulty I face as I move to Louisville this summer, I heard Lady Gaga's song, Hair. "I''ll die living just as free as my hair." Dam straight Gaga! It clicked, I am jumping on this opportunity because it might not come around again, leaving just about everything you know is scary. Some how the song, my dad's illness, Louisville it all clicked in some way that made me feel very confident about my decision. Of course it was much more eloquent in my head earlier today when I wasn't feeling quite so sleep deprived.


I whispered to my baby girl today, sometimes life isn't fair. Your Pop Pop should be here with us loving on you. Everyday matters.

What I didn't tell her was that eventually we all end up a pile of ash. No matter how excited our mom was to find out she was expecting us. No matter how much our dad loved us. Nothing can change it, we all return to dust.

Life's short... Live it.

I don't think my dad every told me that. He sure did show me though.

To Do List

I have four huge projects this week.

1. Construct Poster Board Shrine for Graduating Senior. DONE!
2. Fill out all CPM paper work and write all 9 essays.
3. Clean last remaining mountain of erroneous junk out of the office.
4. Finish editing the freaking documentary.

Less Huge Projects
1. Get really plastered when tasks 1-4 are complete. Especially #4.
2. Bring Dad to his final resting place.
3. Get both DJ and Trinity their distemper shots at cheap shots clinic.
4. Open House. Find somewhere to bring Trin for four hours.
5. Hopefully finish up all the prep I can do ahead of time for Lilia's Birthday Party.
6. Open new bank account.
7. Secure Storage Unit in Louisville.

Note: Tasks 2-4 all have to happen on Sunday as well as church. Nothing over laps the four hours I have to be out of the house. It's going to be a long day.


When all that is done my loves, I will back to blog all about it. Until then I hope you have a fantastic week. Pray that I tackle this to do list with ease and that some of the tension being held in my back and shoulders leaves.

Sunday

I am really tired all the time. Our bed has a defect the manufacturer won't take responsibility for. After about five hours even if LG is sleeping well I am up tossing and turning and not getting the sleep I need. I give in around 6:30 am and get up and start another day of running around. The point is I am exhausted.

Even today the beautiful sabbath day I have a list longer than the hours in the day to accomplish. So despite my sheer exhaustion and my very long you are moving half way across the country in 49 days list, I think I will drag my behind to church and at the very least have an hour of time where I can pray for peace in my soul and maybe get my head off moving.

I am blessed to have a church family that loves me.

Paper Work

Since I decided to seek ordination again I have a stack of paperwork to tackle and about 9 short answer essays to write. This morning I sat down to start this paperwork, which I have done before so I knew what to expect. However, I find it dreadfully annoying. I understand the purpose of this paperwork is to help various groups who see it to get to know me, I have to meet with each of these groups. I would much prefer a conversation to a list of every job I have ever held since I was 17 as many of them are totally irrelevant to the task at hand. I will get it done in the next few days. It's hard to remember some of this stuff. I really have to rack my brain.

I came across the short answer questions. There are two that stood out to me. The first was describe yourself as a person. My immediate thought was dam I can't describe myself as a tree? It was with out hesitation that thought and then I was laughing out loud. I hate questions like that. I think a more accurate way to do it would be to write a paragraph or two about yourself and then find 10 people to do the same. I think this would give a much better idea of who the person was. As humans, we can't see the whole picture of who we are or how we are because we only have one perspective. Just yesterday my best friend from high school told me how she thought I had it all funny, smart and pretty. We chuckled because I thought she had all those things. The point being I would have never called my self smart at that time but she would have. I wouldn't call my self selfish now but maybe someone with whom I interact regularly would. You get the idea. I am still left with how do you describe yourself with out sounding like a narcissist? I am very intelligent, funny, compassionate and some times a little impatient. Those statements are flattering and mostly true. I do have a way with learning but sometimes I just don't get it, like with Hebrew. I am funny depending on your sense of humor I can be offensive and a little off at times. I am compassionate to everyone I don't know but I have much less compassion for people I do know. A little impatient is a total lie, I am almost always impatient. My impatience has gotten me into a pickle or two more than once. I don't need instant gratification when it comes to stuff I would like to have, but I used to. When it comes to other things I want results and I want them now. Anyhow, you see my point here? I have to find the balance. I have to somehow add in all the roles I have too like mom which still feels really new even though I have been at it for nearly two years. Then how do I keep that answer from being a novel!

Now the next question that really caught my attention was who or what is your ideal role model for ministry. I have been giving this some thought for over a week. My answers are probably all wrong. However I am going to be honest because the people who are doing ministry that I see as ideal are in the trenches getting their hands dirty or they did in their lifetime. They ask difficult questions, take difficult actions and do not partake in one with out the other. They see it isn't all about asking questions and it isn't all about taking action but that it is a blend of the two. Some of the people on my list Jesus, Mother Theresa, Jay Bakkar, Shane Claiborne, MLK, Caleb and Rhita, Oprah. OK I know Oprah is a stretch but I have a good point to make with using her as an example. That being said when I am done with my actually essay I will post it so you can see my argument for Oprah and Jesus.

Today I am grateful for how much I have grown since the last time I did this paperwork.
May you be blessed in knowing who you have become for this moment and who you will become later.

In the Works

Here are some things that are in the works for the blog:

1. Our first ever guest poster will be posting soon, how exciting is that?
2. Last summer I started a series on people I admire. It went one post it's summer again and I think its time for another entry.
3. I have a few other creative entries up my sleeve.

In the mean time let me tell you a little story about a thing we call a yard sale. Last week I spent most of my time preparing for and dreading our yard sale. Long story short we made some cash that in turn paid for nearly all of our cost for the truck rental. So it was kind of worth it. It was a lot of work for the pay off. I don't think I will ever have a yard sale again. People didn't want to pay much more than a quarter for anything.

Paul noticed one older woman who stayed around for a long time just talking to us. He observed later that she must have been really lonely. It was sad but I was glad Paul picked up on that. I like that he noticed that because it speaks volumes about his heart.

Then at the end of the day we put stuff out for free with a clear sign asking people to not leave a mess. Well people are ungrateful jerks because they left a huge mess in my driveway. No more freebees here.

Today I am grateful for time to breathe.
May you be blessed.

Relationships

I began starting this blog with an apology but I deleted it. I am not going to apologize or justify what I am feeling and now saying. As the move gets closer I know that I am leaving a lot of people I love behind. I also noticed that some people changed the moment we announced the move, others didn't they stayed just the same as they always had been. So I did something totally out of character, I stopped investing in relationships that felt pretty one sided. It has become quickly apparent to me that I made the right decision. Letting go of relationships that weren't healthy was a really good thing. I also see who is invested in relationships, I see who is reaching out and making it a point to maintain relationships. One sided relationships are a drag. They are exhausting and they slow you down.

I am glad that I figured this out now and not after we move and I try to keep up relationships. I think I can see pretty clearly which relationships are going to survive the move. I am sad though too that for some people the relationships didn't seem worth keep up on. I am not sure what happened. I am not going to sit here and try to figure it out either. My only regret is that I didn't figure this out sooner.

Today I am grateful for the people who not only love us and support us but invest in our relationships.

May you be blessed by one really fantastic relationship in your life.

Water

When I was in Africa nearly 3 years ago I met a group of people who lived in grass huts, owned no shoes and had to walk nearly 8 miles to the nearest water source. They would have about 4 ounces of water per person to last four days. That is about an ounce a day. It forever changed how I looked at water. As summer is fast approaching and we prepare our yard and lives for summer enjoyment I was thinking about how much water we use. Yesterday we had a power washer going, the washing machine and the dishwasher. All I could think was the things we take for granted. I used hot water to clean out a pot. We all showered. We had plenty to drink. I am sure we wasted some. Our toilets flushed. Pools got filled. Sprinklers run. Water Water Water Water... it's everywhere and ready to use. If you, like myself, were born into a privileged American lifestyle. If the circumstances of your birth were different and you happened to be born in rural Africa, India or parts of Asia or even South America and probably a bunch of places I am not aware of.

I appreciate water a lot more especially on a day like today where triple H's and 90 degree temperatures are predicted. I have always been someone who didn't waste water, something my dad instilled in me really young. Yet I feel tremendous guilt when I really think about all the water we use. I wish there was a way to send it to people who need it. A pipe line of clean water.

Today I am grateful for clean water.
I hope you are blessed with clean water.

Sabbath

This past weekend camping was the best Sabbath I have ever had. This trip allowed me to disconnect and recharge and just be with God. My mentor of 10 years is going to cringe when he reads this because it is the topic of his dissertation which I have read in it's entirety no less than 3 times. We have talked about it at length. Yet I still just discovered how wonderful Sabbath can be. How just being with God and disconnecting from the world can really recharge your batteries. It made me think that maybe I need more frequent trips to a secluded nature filled area even if they aren't for whole weekends but just a few hours. It was hard to come back but I was super productive once I got back into the groove of things.

Today I am grateful for extended sabbath.
May you be blessed by just a moment of sabbath today and everyday.

Weekend Insecurity

On Friday it was hot I had a lot of stuff to do. I was packing for our camping trip and all my regular pants were packed. Instead of throwing on sweats I put on a pair of shorts I discovered when we cleaned out the garage. I NEVER wear shorts. I used to but I really dislike my legs and I don't like showing them off unless I am swimming. I avoid short skirts unless they can be paired with leggings and unless it's crazy hot I avoid shorts. I never wear them out of the house. On Friday I went for a ride with Paul and I stayed in the car and wouldn't set foot in the store with my shorts on. They were comfortable but they were showing off way too much leg for my taste. When we got home we started loading the car in the driveway I didn't think much of wearing the shorts in the driveway. Then it happened on our busy street people often wave or yell hello out a car window. I know a lot of teenagers from working with them in the church. An SUV loaded with teenagers slowed down and yelled something, which I figured was "Hi Becca" I half waved and they drove away. I didn't really recognize the kids. Then my brain caught up with ears and I realized they yelled get a tan. Yep my larger than life legs are mighty white. Teenagers are still mean.

While camping I only shower every other day it's part of the whole experience. So I pack a do rag to cover my nasty greasy hair. Sunday it was warm so I tied my hair in a bun and held it in place with the do rag, you couldn't see any of my hair. I had on a men's t-shirt, jeans, flip flops and earrings. A little girl walked past and said mommy is that a boy or a girl? This didn't bother me as kids say these things. The mother however answered I don't know. All I could think was I have hips the size of Texas and have been pretty blessed in the boob department, really you don't know my gender because my hair is out of site and I am wearing a men's t-shirt?

So we established that I both need a tan and a gender identity. I was reading this book about weight loss, it's a little different because it is about spiritual surrender leading to the shedding of pounds. I started reading and I was skeptical. Really not my thing which I should have known as I never read this sort of thing. I tried to be a good sport. So I wrote down all these words and tried to journal about them as instructed. Apparently each represented a brick in the wall of flab I have surrounded myself with. Writing about it would allow me to remove those bricks. I rolled my eyes and pressed on. As I came to each word, I tried to write honestly about them, things like anger, judgement, shame. I didn't write much because here was what I found, that yes at times in my life I have felt all of these things or in the case of judgement I have felt it and done it. I totally got the concept. However for most of the words it felt like bringing up old crap that I had already processed and let go of and having let go of it I was hesitant to bring them back. I liked letting them go. So benefit of the doubt I told myself that I had intuitively done this already. I moved on to chapter two. Well there I learned that my Thin Self needed to write a letter to my Not Thin Self. I was done. I didn't write the letters. I can't get into those kind of activities even with reading the examples. First of all the tone was supposed to be all about how I wanted to bring my thin self back from my not thin self and I needed to love my not thin self to do that. All I have ever had was a not thin self. So I am not trying to bring her back I am trying to find her.

I already know that for some time food served as a comfort in my out of control childhood, I could control food. I also know that I am aware of that and have seriously changed my habits. We didn't even cover that. The book is overdue from the library and I am taking it back. I am kind of disappointed but I guess I knew that it wasn't the magic thing that would make this happen for me. All I know is that lately I really don't like much of anything about my body. Maybe that is whining insecurity. Maybe that is just honesty I am not sure. What I am sure of is this is a one post topic, I am not about to start an I am fat and miserable blog.

Be Blessed.