Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Lesson My Dad Didn't Mean to Teach Me

Dad's teach you lots of things. 12.5 years ago today mine died. I have found in the past week I think about him a lot. I was getting really anxious about the big move which for the record is just a mere 42 days away. I think it is also safe to say that all of my large move related projects are out of the way. That means I just have to pack. I digress. Just in case you are new here, my dad got sick when I was 8. He had a mystery illness that doctors kept saying was in his head. He eventually slipped into a coma at our house while I was down the street playing with my friends. I left in the morning, slept over because my dad was rushed to a hospital in another state. I never saw my dad again. I saw his body, I heard him talk. He wasn't my dad anymore. He was a guy that looked like my dad and sounded like him but he didn't really act like him. He had massive brain damage. He started to recover but didn't get very far. When I was 18 he died.

That day though when he was here not feeling well one day and gone the next, it has influenced my entire life. I try to live and not get stuck in the daily grind which is incredibly hard. Back to the point, this week when I was tossing around some of the lingering feelings of loosing my dad and the emotional difficulty I face as I move to Louisville this summer, I heard Lady Gaga's song, Hair. "I''ll die living just as free as my hair." Dam straight Gaga! It clicked, I am jumping on this opportunity because it might not come around again, leaving just about everything you know is scary. Some how the song, my dad's illness, Louisville it all clicked in some way that made me feel very confident about my decision. Of course it was much more eloquent in my head earlier today when I wasn't feeling quite so sleep deprived.

I whispered to my baby girl today, sometimes life isn't fair. Your Pop Pop should be here with us loving on you. Everyday matters.

What I didn't tell her was that eventually we all end up a pile of ash. No matter how excited our mom was to find out she was expecting us. No matter how much our dad loved us. Nothing can change it, we all return to dust.

Life's short... Live it.

I don't think my dad every told me that. He sure did show me though.

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