Thursday, June 2, 2011

Weekend Insecurity

On Friday it was hot I had a lot of stuff to do. I was packing for our camping trip and all my regular pants were packed. Instead of throwing on sweats I put on a pair of shorts I discovered when we cleaned out the garage. I NEVER wear shorts. I used to but I really dislike my legs and I don't like showing them off unless I am swimming. I avoid short skirts unless they can be paired with leggings and unless it's crazy hot I avoid shorts. I never wear them out of the house. On Friday I went for a ride with Paul and I stayed in the car and wouldn't set foot in the store with my shorts on. They were comfortable but they were showing off way too much leg for my taste. When we got home we started loading the car in the driveway I didn't think much of wearing the shorts in the driveway. Then it happened on our busy street people often wave or yell hello out a car window. I know a lot of teenagers from working with them in the church. An SUV loaded with teenagers slowed down and yelled something, which I figured was "Hi Becca" I half waved and they drove away. I didn't really recognize the kids. Then my brain caught up with ears and I realized they yelled get a tan. Yep my larger than life legs are mighty white. Teenagers are still mean.

While camping I only shower every other day it's part of the whole experience. So I pack a do rag to cover my nasty greasy hair. Sunday it was warm so I tied my hair in a bun and held it in place with the do rag, you couldn't see any of my hair. I had on a men's t-shirt, jeans, flip flops and earrings. A little girl walked past and said mommy is that a boy or a girl? This didn't bother me as kids say these things. The mother however answered I don't know. All I could think was I have hips the size of Texas and have been pretty blessed in the boob department, really you don't know my gender because my hair is out of site and I am wearing a men's t-shirt?

So we established that I both need a tan and a gender identity. I was reading this book about weight loss, it's a little different because it is about spiritual surrender leading to the shedding of pounds. I started reading and I was skeptical. Really not my thing which I should have known as I never read this sort of thing. I tried to be a good sport. So I wrote down all these words and tried to journal about them as instructed. Apparently each represented a brick in the wall of flab I have surrounded myself with. Writing about it would allow me to remove those bricks. I rolled my eyes and pressed on. As I came to each word, I tried to write honestly about them, things like anger, judgement, shame. I didn't write much because here was what I found, that yes at times in my life I have felt all of these things or in the case of judgement I have felt it and done it. I totally got the concept. However for most of the words it felt like bringing up old crap that I had already processed and let go of and having let go of it I was hesitant to bring them back. I liked letting them go. So benefit of the doubt I told myself that I had intuitively done this already. I moved on to chapter two. Well there I learned that my Thin Self needed to write a letter to my Not Thin Self. I was done. I didn't write the letters. I can't get into those kind of activities even with reading the examples. First of all the tone was supposed to be all about how I wanted to bring my thin self back from my not thin self and I needed to love my not thin self to do that. All I have ever had was a not thin self. So I am not trying to bring her back I am trying to find her.

I already know that for some time food served as a comfort in my out of control childhood, I could control food. I also know that I am aware of that and have seriously changed my habits. We didn't even cover that. The book is overdue from the library and I am taking it back. I am kind of disappointed but I guess I knew that it wasn't the magic thing that would make this happen for me. All I know is that lately I really don't like much of anything about my body. Maybe that is whining insecurity. Maybe that is just honesty I am not sure. What I am sure of is this is a one post topic, I am not about to start an I am fat and miserable blog.

Be Blessed.

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