This morning I woke up feeling just slightly overwhelmed by the amount of homework I have before me today. Overwhelmed by this undertaking of full time student and mom. I have moments of why am I doing this, yesterday I heard my new classmates say over and over again they didn't know why God had called them here. I can relate, God's call is unrelenting at times. I have no clear answers.
I sat here at my computer paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I started clicking around on some twitter links and I came across this blog post to which I could highly relate. Coming home from the third world and experiencing culture shock in your own culture. That post mentions a Sara Groves song. Which reminded me of this Sara Groves song that I happened across on a friend's blog right after returning from Uganda. This song makes me cry and inspires me equally every. single. time. I hear it.
I sat here listening to it tears slowly streaming down my cheeks as I remember my own break down in the Target back to school aisle 3 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I should just go back to Africa now, but deep down I know that this time this place is preparing me for what is next, and I know that somewhere in the next is Africa. God is preparing me for something, God has called me to something. I have accepted and I press on with out all the understanding I would like. That's the thing about God and call and love, you sometimes just don't know but you have to go forward. I have no idea how a seminary education is going to help me, lead me back to Africa but some how they are related.
As I listen to this song now for about the 5th time this morning, inspiring is stronger than weeping. Every moment when I feel down, overwhelmed, incompetent, run down, I sincerely hope I will take a breath and remember my African babies and what they have faces which is makes all that homework seem like nothing.
At the end of the day when I ask myself what am I doing, why am I doing this, my answer is usually because it's a God thing, because I want to teach my daughter about the strength of women and now I think I have to add for my African babies.
Be Blessed in a Love so deep it brings bittersweet tears in hot streaks down your face.