Wednesday, October 26, 2011

When Tomorrow isn't Real

Go ahead read that, I bet your eyes tear up. Mine did. This article comes as an affirmation of sorts. Through a string of seemingly random events as I sat my daughter down to dinner last night I thought to myself, nothing is guaranteed, love her in this moment, cherish it.

My daughter isn't sick like Ronan, but my life experience has taught me to savor today because tomorrow isn't always a reality. Its something I learned as a kid. One day you can do something as simple as waking up and your whole world is different by no choice of your own. When you wake up to your strong and vibrant father now in a coma you realize something. When a few months later your younger brother who was your constant playmate is laying in a hospital bed bald talking about how his roommate almost died it changes you. Even if like me you are only 8 years old.

Looking at this in retrospect I am really lucky that I dealt with these things how I did. I could have easily gone out and internalized the pain and confusion I still felt as an adult and turned my life into a mess. My life IS pretty messy but not in a way that speaks of a child haunted with illness surrounding it. Since that time I have always seen the world differently. Now in my thirties I am just starting to understand how differently I see the world from my peers. It informs my experience of high school and various relationships past in a way that I can't explain when I look back.

Last night when my own daughter was giving me a hard time with nearly everything from dinner to bed time, I stopped and took a breath. I wanted to take a moment to just love her and be grateful. I never want a day to come where I don't remember how hard I prayed for her to come into existence. Let me never forget to say thank you God for this beautiful and healthy life.

I pray that there are thousands of tomorrows to look forward to. I pray that her tomorrows far out number my own. But I know that tomorrows aren't always real, that sometimes they just stop happening.

This article was so helpful because it just reinforced so much of what I believe about life and kids. It named it in a way I couldn't. Just last night I drifted off to sleep trying to figure out which preschool would give her the best advantage in life and how the heck was I going to afford it? It's really easy to get caught up in the things that probably don't matter anyway. I know that regardless of preschool choice if she wants to succeed she will. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to raise my child so well that I forget to appreciate her for who she is, my beautiful God made daughter. Maybe in time I am going to spoil her because I know our days as humans are numbered, but I don't think you can love too much.

Today I am so very grateful for my beautiful little girl and every single tomorrow we ever get to have.

May you be blessed with gratitude for your children even when they make you want to rip your hair out.

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