Friday, October 28, 2011

Writing it Out

Today this blog is an exercise in writing therapy. Sometimes I find if I just write something out it doesn't consume me as much as it once did.

I was very shocked when we first arrived here and settled in I started to feel something, something I didn't think I would ever feel again. At first I just tried to ignore it and hoped it would go away. Then I distracted myself from it occupying my mind with all sorts of things to avoid this dreaded thing. Surely it couldn't be happening again. For over two years I have been content to live with out this, happy it had gone away and fairly certain it would never come back. I tried to make lists of all the reasons it shouldn't be, it didn't help. I tried to remind myself of how difficult it would be and it didn't help. I tried to think of all the emotions involved for so many people and it didn't stop. I tell myself it's just a distraction from the stress of life and all this change that has happened recently and its still here. I tried to think of all the judgement that would be passed on me and it still lingers. I tell myself its just a hormonal flux and it will pass in a few days and then when I can think straight again I will be glad to have ignored it.  I have long sleepless nights and still it remains. Like a primal beast out of my control it is here and it seems to have settled in for the long haul.

Then I pray and I pray to see where God is in this situation. Could God even be in this situation? God has been so central to this type of thing in the past. Who could I tell my secret to? God already knows, maybe I need a person. 

The Baby Itch has arrived. Knocking on my door. Dancing in my mind. Driving me somewhat crazy. I notice cute little baby things. I coo at newborns when I see them. I long for that snuggling little baby asleep on my shoulder. I think about Lilia getting to share her childhood with a sibling. I think of Paul's desire to have another biological child. I think of my aging reproductive system. I think of God's plan. I get all dreamy and wishy washy.

Then I think of the space and the expense and even less sleep. The horrible timing. The work. The emotion. I think of how we would likely have to move, what the medical bills would be and how we would need a bigger car to fit us all. It isn't going away. I can think my way through it. I know now is not the time. My hormonal primal urges though do not care what my well educated brain has to say and my heart is stuck in the middle somewhere.

So I talk about it with Paul a lot because I think talking about it might make it better. I blame my faulty hormones. Yesterday I told one of my new friends because I know she has been there. I expected her to tell me to hold out. I said this isn't the right time. She said sure it is, this is what your body does after two years. She gave me a totally different perspective. Of course I am not running out to have a baby. I still am not sure the time is right. I want to trust God that when the time is right to expand our family I will know.

Yet I find myself wishing more than anything that I knew where God was in all this baby lusting, hormonal mess of my life.

Today I am grateful that I have enough wisdom to not just act on my urges and that I have a sense of humor about them. 

May you be blessed by seeing the God who created you in yourself and your own body chemistry.

1 comment:

  1. holding you through all this-you are wise to be driven by reason and wait for the path to be clearer (never really clear for me but does get clearer at times). Hugs all around