Monday, March 12, 2012

Mother's Guilt

Lately I have been doing things just a little bit differently. I have been taking time for myself, I have gone out with friends for a few hours here and there. I signed LG up for a preschool that goes five days a week and just accepted the fact that it makes life easier for all of us come the fall. It gives me flexibility in my class schedule that I wouldn't have otherwise. I have gotten to know some of my classmates by attending events with out Lilia in tow. I am enjoying myself quite a bit. I have even gone to church with out Paul and LG a few times and enjoyed it even though the whole time I am thinking this should be a family thing but this is so much easier.

Yet I find myself constantly second guessing my decisions. Can you be a mom and have a life and not feel guilty that you aren't spending every free minute with your child? Is feeding my own soul ok? Does it make me a better mom when I am refreshed?

Is it ever ok to take the path of least resistance or is that just some sort of parenting cop out?

I have the chance to travel the next two summers. This summer to the General Assembly which would have me away from home for a week. I have never spent a night away from Lilia. Next summer I could potentially travel to Brazil for a travel seminar on religion in the global south. Something that I would absolutely love to learn about even if I swore I would never go to South America because of those bugs that lay larvae under your skin and creep me out. That would take me away for two weeks. I am just getting comfortable with the idea of spending some free time away from LG could I handle two weeks away? Does it make me a bad mother if I travel for education? Should I let the opportunity pass me by because my responsibilities are different from those of my classmates? Or am I teaching her something powerful about womanhood if I travel there? Will living the dream cost my family in the long run?

Today I am grateful for the time to mull things over and this space in which to do it.

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