Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Life's not Fair...

Life's not fair was a common refrain in our house during my teenage years. Tonight I would like to add to that death doesn't do much better. Tonight we lost my dear sister in law Donna to a heart attack. She is much more like my sister, she married my oldest brother when I was 9. She was young and healthy. No one saw it coming.

At 10:30 my phone rang I looked to see who was calling, it was my mother. I knew immediately something terrible had happened. It's the kind of call you don't want to answer. I answered and there was hysterical crying on the other end. It took me awhile to make out the words, mommy's gone I can't live with out her Aunt Beck. I realized then I was talking to my nephew. I was trying hard to get my head around these words, surely he was just over reacting to some health scare. He was not. I talked to my mother confirmed what seemed like a nightmare. Then I had to call our youngest brother. I came in and told Paul then I went for a walk.

I sat down on some steps and was soon joined by a friend.

Dear Donna,
I was sitting on some concrete steps tonight after a devastating phone call from Colt. I remembered how we used to sit on the steps in Forked River when dad was first sick. You would let me cry my eyes out. I found it ironic that I was sitting on some steps crying because you are gone. I thought about how 13 years ago you asked me to be Colt's Godmother. I guess today is the day that I make good on my vows to you, your family and God. I never thought that I would have to but I am ever willing. I will take care of Colt, sit him down on some steps and let him cry. Don't worry I will make sure Dennis and Kelly and the grand-kids are alright too. You are the reason I had to tell Lilia about heaven. That just isn't right... I told her you have wings and you get to be with God. She recognized your picture while we were talking. That made Paul burst into tears. This is like the shittiest thing ever and I lack comprehension. Tonight I believe in God not because I believe in a good a gracious God but because I need to believe that you are in heaven with all those who have gone before you planning a kick ass party for when the rest of us show up late. You after all were always the early one.

With all my love,
Your little sister,

PS- For over a week Lilia has been telling me that we were going to grandma's house again. I think she knew more than we did.

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