So I should be doing anything but blogging right now, I have a 3/4 packed apartment that needs to be organized now that we aren't going to finish moving just yet. I should be organizing or working on my writing for practicum but this was a big deal. Also I haven't had a break in over a year and after another whirlwind interviewing/discerning weekend I need a little down time. Besides if I wasn't writing right now I would be sitting her day dreaming about going home and to the beach for the weekend.
A few weeks ago we hit that whole turning 5 starting kindergarten milestone. Yesterday we had the check up that goes with it. Now if you have kids I know what you might be thinking, 4 is the hard one, 5 is a piece of cake. True, unless of course you have watched it all go wrong at 5 before.If you don't know me well enough to know my story let me catch you up. When I turned five I went from average kid to over sized kid, it was when kids started asking me things like, "Do you bounce?" on the play ground. It was nearly 20 years before I discovered a hormone problem that messes with how I process food, I work hard now at having a good relationship with food, yet I am still over sized. When my favorite youngest brother was five he woke up with a swollen gland one day.
Let me tell you how much my child is like my brother... their personalities are very similar. When said younger brother would upset me he would do things like eat shaving cream to make me laugh. When said child gets in trouble she puts on funny costumes to make me laugh. It makes me a firm believer in nature. Some days she says things that I am sure he has telepathically put in her head, her fearlessness and so on. It's all just like him.
The swollen glad didn't respond to the first antibiotic or the second but it did result in a trip to a specialist to reveal it was actually a freaking tumor which by the time surgery happened was the size of a softball and limiting range of motion in the neck. Years of hellish treatment followed and eventually the cancer was gone, he grew up to be a typical thorn in my side little brother clear through our young adult hood. I loved almost every minute of it, I can't remember a moment from diagnosis on when I wasn't grateful for the very breath he breathes.
This summer I did Clinical Pastoral Education where we had to talk about what we brought into patient rooms with us. When the entirety of your childhood trauma revolves around hospitals and illness and death (Said brother wasn't the only sick one) it gives you PLENTY of fodder for conversation. One of the things I discussed was my anxiety around said kiddo turning five. One of the great insights I received was that to continue to no freak my kid out and stay sane I needed to find ways to express my anxiety. That's where you all come in, thanks for not charging me!
That all being said every time the kid so much as sneezes there is a little voice in the back of my head that screams "OH GOD THIS IS IT!" I have to shut her up and fast. When the kiddo turned one and her head jumped into the 120th percentile in circumference and we had to make a trip to the pediatric neurologist while dad was on a business trip I had to bring my mother with me who of course was probably as tense and about to barf as I was because said brother is her kid after all. Turns out after measuring my head the doctor had a good conclusion, genetics, I gave her my big head. We monitored it for awhile but she has grown into that noggin.
The four year old check up was 4 freaking booster shots and made me want to die but my anxiety before hand wasn't too bad. There is always a little but it wasn't too bad. Yesterday though even though she appears to be perfectly healthy I was a mess. The only concerns we had were minor, a spot that mysteriously appeared above her lip this summer, her flat feet, some digestive issues. Turns out the little spot on her lip is blood vessel related and will eventually disappear. Her feet are fine. We are working on her holding her potty needs too long. The kid got the all clear, healthy height and weight, good eyes and ears and all that jazz.
The most uncomfortable part of the whole thing was my remembering at the last minute at the 3 year old check up they tested her blood sugar and I had promised no needles. I kept thinking crap I am going to have to fight a nurse... not so we were good. Then there was how she kept telling them awkwardly that she dressed herself that morning with mommy's help just a little on the shirt. Earlier, she refused to dress herself, which I am sure is part of her adjusting back to life with us after a summer with grandma. I told her five year olds dress themselves and when the doctor asked if she could dress herself I would have to say no so she needed to just get dressed so we didn't have the doctor worried. Well I guess that stuck with her, not the best parenting moment I guess but it was better than screaming at her.
Today I am grateful for the all clear. I can now hold my breath until we hit six and then falsely believe we are safe. If I get all hyped up over ear infections, colds, or a stomach flu this year... have a little grace for me, ok?