How are all of my journals packed? I guess I can add them to the list of things that I would like to be close by. I was up really early again today, partly because of the time change and partly because of the stomach death which I have not experienced the like of in sometime. It was gone by this morning but had me in bed before my kid last night. Yesterday I wrote about having to be an active participant in my experience of God. I also wrote about how I need at least attempt to find words with which to pray and pick up my bible more often. So this morning I woke up early and came out and sat in the dark and quiet. I didn't turn on the tv, I tried to find the words but didn't. Instead of turning on the TV I grabbed my bible, I decided to start reading Acts from the beginning. Seven verses is all it took before I found something relevant to my life, "It is not for you to know the time or periods that the Father has set by his own authority." I chuckled at this, which I am now removing far from it's context. In this text the Apostles are waiting for something, the Spirit and the coming kingdom. That little text there it's relevant to right where I am. I haven't blogged prayers in a very long time but I am going with it
Oh God, it seems like a life time since we prayed your time and not ours as we waited for a child. It was a hard prayer to pray because for as long as I could remember I wanted to have a child. You showed me that I could love a child no matter how they came into my life in sweet Mirembe. Then when I was ready to give up, there it was two little lines announcing the presence of our sweet girl in my uterus. As we started to dream of growing our family from time to time we remember this, your time not ours. Today though I see how waiting on your time is relevant to other things in life, like this great in between I sit in right now. Your time God not mine. Oh it might be even harder to pray those words right now, so much is riding on timing. I am learning to let go of things I didn't think I could let go of but I am at times grasping desperately to what is left. Desperately grasping doesn't feel like faith it feels like exactly what it is desperation. Every little bump on the journey is beginning to feel like an insurmountable mountain. I have prayed I feel the call God, show me the way, and the way unfolded. I come before you this morning pleading, let my heart accept your time, let my eyes be wide open so I can see the way. Let me see, hear, experience the good that lies ahead today. If the this child's morning is any indication of what the day holds, I know it is going to be another challenging one. Please let me see your presence here today, even the smallest affirmation of the path I am on would be greatly appreciated. This place is hard to be in, it's hard to live in this space and time, it is hard to trust that "it will all work out". Help me believe it. Amen.