Friday, August 12, 2016

Grief of the Intangible

We all know that we grieve when a person dies but somethings we grieve deeply are intangible. It is my experience that this is some of the hardest grief to bear because it is difficult for others to bear it with you if they haven't experienced it. I am in the throws of an extraordinarily painful period after my first round of Clomid. I was concerned this might be the case if I failed to conceive, I don't know why I just suspected it would be a rough cycle, emotions aside.

I spent a month allowing myself the luxury of a tiny speck of hope. Then the hormones kicked in and I became affectionate and all lovey. Then I became hot and tired and queasy. I kept telling that speck not to grow but after a week it grew anyway. Until I woke up with swollen sore breasts, which for many women are a tell tale sign of pregnancy, not for me since having our daughter this is a regular part of PMS. I knew from that moment on the Clomid didn't do something magical in my uterus. It did make me ovulate which is a plus, I had great numbers on day 21, which means it worked.  My husband, my support system, refused  to give up hope at this point, until I peed on a stick to prove it. I proved it with my pee and then eventually with the start of my cycle. I am decidedly not pregnant despite my body sending all the signs that I am.

People say don't get too upset because it rarely works on the first cycle but it is really hard to not be upset. And what is too upset anyway? Is there some threshold I don't know about? I am upset dam it, because I just lived through a month of hormonal hell and I have to do it for another two months. I am upset because for seven years despite all my best efforts I cannot get pregnant again and I know this is the end of the road. I am upset because when round 3, the final round, fails, I will be on a vacation that we have been dreaming of for a decade. I will try hard to engage and enjoy that trip but I will feel much like I feel today.

I can't even name what it is I feel other than I am grieving an intangible loss again and I know I will have to do it two more times before it becomes a forever grief. One that I will carry with me through the rest of my life. The one that will at low points make me say things like if only I tried Clomid sooner. I could skip the next two months and frankly I would like to but if I do then I will ask forever what if I didn't?

Today it is incredibly hard to be grateful but I am always grateful for the child I do have, who feels like more and more of a miracle every day.

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