Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Learning & Tears

I wanted to sit down and write today, about Opal and adventurous, nervous new dog, and to try to collect my thoughts in this post election season. Then something happened, I had an ultrasound to check my follicle growth for this month. My third in six days to be exact with a new medication we had to watch follicles slowly develop, so we know when to stimulate ovulation.

I need to tell you for a moment about my head space this morning. We adopted a dog with separation anxiety and every time we leave the house it is nerve wracking. Yesterday she pooped while I was out, that has never happened before. We can't let her out because she escapes from our yard so she gets plenty of walks, yesterday we must have had a timing issue. In addition to having a hard time being alone, she is in heat, and likes to run off. We have had her two weeks and it has been SO STRESSFUL, but we love her already. My kiddo already has the over excited it's almost Christmas attitude and demeanor. She also stayed up too late last night and I had to get her to school early so I could go get my next ultrasound. It is Advent, read pastor rips her hair out season. I had a mild stomach bug that really has slowed me down. I was also feeling a little beat up by this fertility process. I am grateful for amazing insurance that covers most of this, so very grateful. I mentioned to my doctor and his wife how grateful I was for their time over the holiday weekend as I had not one but two scans while the office was closed. I had a scan Sunday morning, before I led worship, and it was super uncomfortable. I just wanted to get this done and over with. I don't have much hope left in the realm of fertility. I am pretty sure I wasn't hiding that well today.

The doctor came in, enthusiastically saying today is the day! I laughed because when I hear any variation of this is the day, I want to respond with, that the Lord has made. My scan was good I have a good follicle (egg/ovum), I will get shot up today to stimulate the release of that egg. I had a second egg that was not far behind, so I got the twins speech again. I did not roll my eyes, because honestly at this point I would laugh and laugh and laugh if after years there were TWO babies, and I might name them both Issac. Anyhow, I sat there with my bare bottom covered in a sheet, while the doctor dictated his notes. Thinking, wow I would really like my pants on. Then he turned around and reviewed everything with me. He added, we haven't prayed, so let's pray today. I was mildly shocked but agreed obviously prayer is not weird for me. What is weird is hearing someone pray for me, I am the one who is always praying out loud for people. It was almost startling to hear someone pray for me. Honestly, I almost cried.

I almost cried because there are moments in this process where it is really easy to lose sight of faith and really hard to keep the faith. We all need someone to hold us up when we lose hope. It is not hard to do, I do it often it comes with the call. To have someone do that for me this morning was amazing. To hear someone else talk to God about God's will for me... just wow. I left feeling much better than when I arrived. I also pondered how hard it must be to balance faith in the world of medicine when you don't want to push your faith but do want to share it.

Which brings me to the next bit on learning. This is not the only doctor here who prays with their patients. If I am totally honest I am not sure before today I would have even liked the idea of praying with my doctor. That's a weird blurred place for me. I am sure there are praying doctors all over the place but I have never experienced it before now. It is something that smallish town South Dakota life offers that other places do not. I have had a lot of moments where I scoff at this smallish town life in this past year and three quarters. Yet it seems in the past week, I am being broken open to the good possibilities in this sort of life. When our dog was missing we had the real small town experience for the first time as the police helped look and the radio station announced our missing pet at no cost.

I have no doubt, that God is working in me, as I am broken open to a life that seems so foreign to me. And really that is just like God, at least the God I know.

Today I am grateful, for prayer, for insurance, for community, and God's persistence in breaking through my stubborn will. 

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