Anger

A lot of very dear people have taken to asking me how I am doing, aside from another couple of days of riding this roller coaster, I am angry. I am so angry that if I didn't have self control I could easily make Swiss cheese of our walls.

First let me catch you up on what has happened since I last wrote. I was expecting to get a negative pregnancy test followed by a late period, that is what happens in a chemical pregnancy. From everything I was told and everything I read this typically happens after a faint positive. I tested everyday from Thursday to Monday, every day the result got darker and faster. Today I received test results that said my hCG levels were rising at the proper rate but were still too low. Yesterday I was told that I could have just ovulated a bit late, something I wish I had heard on Saturday. I heard this again today. After not testing this morning and feeling quite premenstrual I tested this afternoon: got a nearly negative. I am to keep having blood work every two days until I get a period. I have gone from grieving and angry to having .01% hope. I have taken the scientific approach of this happens because of chromosomal abnormalities so even though I am disappointed I get the science of it. I have seen the slightly bright side of at least I was able to get pregnant, which means I can get pregnant and I was pretty sure that was never going to happen. Most of all I just want off this roller coaster for a few days. For the past several days I have been kind of pregnant, well I really was pregnant but it wasn't viable. I am a bit impatient with my body right now which is nothing new. My body and haven't been on the best terms in ages. Which I should mention I am still very in tune with it, even though I am certainly angry with it.

It is really hard to not be angry right now. I hear people complain about their kids and I want to slap them. I see a woman around town who is expecting and smoking and I want to scream at her. People panic at an unexpected pregnancy and I wonder how it is even possible to get pregnant with out meaning to. Mostly, I am angry about the injustice of it all, now I know it is mostly a personal injustice and in the grand scheme of things it is merely a blip on the radar in our world.

I know they say that anger covers up other emotions, its not that I don't have those, I am disappointed, sad, exhausted (physically & emotionally). I feel terrible for even saying I just want this over with but I do, if I can't carry this pregnancy I want to get on with it. I have debated if I would do another cycle because I am so very tired. I have gotten so close this time, so freaking close, I saw several little plus signs and that has only happened one time before. I need to try again, I can't help it, I go after what I want with all I have. The catch, everything will be timed from when I start to bleed. This has delayed when I should have started which means it delays everything, which means skipping cycles because of travel obligations. SO ANGRY! SO FRUSTRATING!

I don't know if I have ever been this angry before for this long. I struggle with trying to be positive. From the start of this I haven't felt super positive. I think if we pay attention our bodies tell us everything we need.

My whole body aches as it prepares for what is to come, maybe not the whole thing but everything between my belly button and knees. It has since the middle of last week when I asked the doctor's office if this is normal. I never got an answer but I figure the answer is no, it is not normal.

As you can see I am angry and I am all over the place. The waiting, the hoping, the disappointment, are overwhelming and exhausting.

Today I am grateful that I made it through our mother daughter event this weekend before all this started and that we have a fun weekend ahead. I pray I make it to the weekend with my sanity intact.