After a week of miscarrying my mysterious pregnancy that never really showed up and mourning the loss multiple times, first as a chemical pregnancy, then as nonviable, and lots of questions and waiting and no answers. I went for what should have been my last blood work for a while, I was praying it would show declining numbers, I was (am) exhausted, as I approach week 8 of pregnant but not really.
I was due to be away on study leave this week but my trip was canceled because of my impending miscarriage, turned miscarriage. I was totally bummed to be staying in town rather than going out of town this week. Wednesday was a hard day after more emotional atom bombs from other parts of life dropped on Tuesday, Monday the pain was so bad I cried, which never happens. Wednesday I pretty much just slept the whole day, my body and spirit were exhausted. I was hell bent on pulling myself out of it.
Thursday I had plans in the city where I see the Reproductive Endocrinologist. First I would swing past for some blood work, then I was to have lunch with some new friends who get the whole infertility shit show roller coaster. During lunch I missed a call from the doctor's office. My plan was lunch at Panera, a leisurely stroll through Target, and if time allowed a few stops at craft stores before heading back to pick up my kiddo. I walked out to my car and called the fertility people back. The receptionist tells me I have to come back right now for an ultrasound but she can't tell me why. A nurse will call me back, I have an appointment in an hour. Well, I can at least mad dash through Target and get what I need. As I pull up to Target the nurse calls me back and unable to inhibit my reaction to her telling me my numbers have more than doubled, I yell what the hell! Do you ever see this? Yes we are concerned about ectopic. I have had so many ultrasounds at this point that I am like here we go again, you have been looking every week and there is nothing, no explanation. At this point I just want this to be over. I run in Target and start shaking. This isn't the first bad news I got about this pregnancy while at Target, I was by the bike helmets when I heard chemical pregnancy (which honestly at this point would have been easier in the sense that it would be over now).
I head over to the office, they get me right in. At the end of the ultrasound I see them write "?Mass" near my right ovary. GREAT! Just great. I can see it, a blob, no clear structure. I also can see my endometrial lining has thinned down to 10mm from 31mm which makes me happy because I know when I see that the bleeding is almost over.
I get shuffled to the next room and wait. Mind you I am alone because none of this was scheduled and Paul is working almost two hours away. I have scrambled to get my kid picked up from school. The nurse practitioner comes in and starts asking me questions and then blurts out, you have an ectopic. Then head starts spinning and I hear Doctor is coming in, surgery today... when did you eat last... what have you taken today... blood clot disorders...
As I wait for the doctor to come examine me, I am frantically texting people because it seems like I am headed to surgery in the next hour. I have never been under general anesthesia and they ask me a ton of scary questions about it. I remember how adorable my daughter was walking into school that morning and how much I wanted to hug her. And that tomorrow is her "birthday" at school because she is a summer baby and I need to get home and make the brownies and buy the little water bottles she wanted to share with her class. I start thinking about everything that can go wrong and start to cry by myself in the exam room, my contact falls out and that makes it worse because now I am all like I don't have extras with me or glasses. I can't see. I get it back in which helps me stop crying and I decide I should probably stop watching so much Gray's Anatomy.
After many exams and getting to put my clothes back on the doctor whom I just met comes in. (I get another hug, this is how you know your life is going to shit when everyone in the office is giving you hugs and suddenly has way more empathy than clinical explanations.) There is finally an explanation, there is an ectopic that can finally be seen right at the opening of my tube on the right side. FINALLY AN EXPLANATION!
I have two options, because of the size of the growth of "pregnancy tissue" I can have surgery tonight, with a one week recovery period, go home tomorrow. No really I need to make those brownies, there is too much to get done for a night in the hospital. This will mean likely losing the tube which limits future attempts at pregnancy. Then there is a post op waiting period. My other option is a large injection of Methotrexate a chemo therapy drug that will stop the growth of the tissue eventually dissolving it entirely. This disrupts the DNA and also means a long wait before we can try again. I won't be pregnant for real, before the end of the summer. I ask about side effects: mild abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, dizziness. Oh ok so about the same as I already feel. I am told the injections will hurt pretty bad because they go into the muscle. They apologize that I will need one more round of blood work and they have to stick me again. I want to say lady I am a professional pin cushion lately and it really doesn't hurt. The downside of all this is that it could fail, I could need surgery anyway, I could need a second injection.
I literally say well with all five minutes of information and time I have had, I think I will go with the injections. They will cost less and get me home tonight. Can I drive myself home? Yes.
I have to go to the hospital to the infusion center. My two nurses are both male and I swear half my age. My hero gives me a cup of water, my mouth is so dry I am afraid to talk to people. They prep me for these terrible injections. Do you know the worst part of these injections? The waiting an hour for them and the fact that I had to get them in my hips all bare ass. I got two injections at the same time one in each hip, from each male nurse, while standing bare ass and trying not to bleed miscarriage blood everywhere. You know what... they really didn't hurt. It stung and it stung for awhile afterward but honestly it wasn't nearly as bad as described. I also think my not being a hysterical mess was confusing to them, I tried to explain I knew I wasn't having an actual baby a month ago. I wait ten minutes an I am allowed to go home.
4:45pm I have the injections.
6:30pm I arrive home relieve the sitter and try to figure out what needs to happen tonight.
7:00pm Update family
8:45 pm There are demons in my intestines at first it feels like really bad gas. Ok No big deal they said my stomach might get upset.
8:50pm Sweet Jesus I need to the toilet now. I feel the urge to push like I am giving birth.
9:00pm OK let me get these essential things done
9:10pm Send an email.
9:15pm HOLY HOPPING SNOT I need to take a shower to ease these intestinal cramps up. I feel as if someone is grabbing my intestines and twisting them. I also start getting the chills.
9:20pm Shower brings no relief, I sit on the toilet shivering wrapped in a towel. I am pretty sure I pooped out what I will eat next Tuesday at that point. (I lost five pounds last night.)
9:30pm First call to on call nurse. Hey my intestines hurt this doesn't seem "mild". And no one mentioned the chills. And my back hurts on the right side. I am supposed to report any pain on the right side. All normal take such and such.
10:00pm cramps stop, chills stop. I get comfortable for a few minutes.
10:15pm On the couch crying my back hurts so bad, exhaustion is a factor. I still haven't made the dam brownies. I am trying to walk Paul through what has to happen before morning. He makes the brownies.
10:30pm I SHOULD HAVE HAD THE DAM SURGERY. Someone is stabbing me in the back. I might pass out.
11pm next call to on call nurse. I can take more pain meds. They don't touch it. Apparently I was feeling the medicine/poison attack the growth of cells. Something I was told I would feel in 2-3 days as mild discomfort. HA! I felt my pregnancy die last night...
Counting the minutes until 3am when I can take a double dose of pain meds.
2:50am I fall asleep ten minutes before med time.
7 am I wake up with no pain.
8am follow up call from nurse. If pain starts again I have to go right to the ER.
All day today I have felt like I was hit by a semi. Queasy, tired, and so forth. I slept most of the day, Paul lost another day of work because we didn't know what would happen. I went for a ride with him this afternoon to pick our kiddo up. Every bump I felt every part of my insides. I feel like it's all bruised. This is miserable. The surgery may have actually been easier.
I have taken more pain medication in the past week than after my c-section and broken neck combined. I feel like I have a high pain tolerance typically. I don't know if this has been insanely physically painful or if the exhaustion and emotions and hormones have made it worse. It has none the less sucked a lot. There is a long road ahead, I will be closely monitored for the next several weeks and hopefully not need more injections.
If you have had to have Chemo more than once... for an ongoing treatment plan... you are my hero because one night of this was hell!
Today I am grateful for people who pick up my kid with a moments notice. For Paul who has been amazing while I have been down and out. And while it hurts, my daughter being comfortable enough to say, I am glad grandma is coming because we will have an even number of people and I can get some attention because really mom you have been getting it all lately.