Paper Work

Since I decided to seek ordination again I have a stack of paperwork to tackle and about 9 short answer essays to write. This morning I sat down to start this paperwork, which I have done before so I knew what to expect. However, I find it dreadfully annoying. I understand the purpose of this paperwork is to help various groups who see it to get to know me, I have to meet with each of these groups. I would much prefer a conversation to a list of every job I have ever held since I was 17 as many of them are totally irrelevant to the task at hand. I will get it done in the next few days. It's hard to remember some of this stuff. I really have to rack my brain.

I came across the short answer questions. There are two that stood out to me. The first was describe yourself as a person. My immediate thought was dam I can't describe myself as a tree? It was with out hesitation that thought and then I was laughing out loud. I hate questions like that. I think a more accurate way to do it would be to write a paragraph or two about yourself and then find 10 people to do the same. I think this would give a much better idea of who the person was. As humans, we can't see the whole picture of who we are or how we are because we only have one perspective. Just yesterday my best friend from high school told me how she thought I had it all funny, smart and pretty. We chuckled because I thought she had all those things. The point being I would have never called my self smart at that time but she would have. I wouldn't call my self selfish now but maybe someone with whom I interact regularly would. You get the idea. I am still left with how do you describe yourself with out sounding like a narcissist? I am very intelligent, funny, compassionate and some times a little impatient. Those statements are flattering and mostly true. I do have a way with learning but sometimes I just don't get it, like with Hebrew. I am funny depending on your sense of humor I can be offensive and a little off at times. I am compassionate to everyone I don't know but I have much less compassion for people I do know. A little impatient is a total lie, I am almost always impatient. My impatience has gotten me into a pickle or two more than once. I don't need instant gratification when it comes to stuff I would like to have, but I used to. When it comes to other things I want results and I want them now. Anyhow, you see my point here? I have to find the balance. I have to somehow add in all the roles I have too like mom which still feels really new even though I have been at it for nearly two years. Then how do I keep that answer from being a novel!

Now the next question that really caught my attention was who or what is your ideal role model for ministry. I have been giving this some thought for over a week. My answers are probably all wrong. However I am going to be honest because the people who are doing ministry that I see as ideal are in the trenches getting their hands dirty or they did in their lifetime. They ask difficult questions, take difficult actions and do not partake in one with out the other. They see it isn't all about asking questions and it isn't all about taking action but that it is a blend of the two. Some of the people on my list Jesus, Mother Theresa, Jay Bakkar, Shane Claiborne, MLK, Caleb and Rhita, Oprah. OK I know Oprah is a stretch but I have a good point to make with using her as an example. That being said when I am done with my actually essay I will post it so you can see my argument for Oprah and Jesus.

Today I am grateful for how much I have grown since the last time I did this paperwork.
May you be blessed in knowing who you have become for this moment and who you will become later.

In the Works

Here are some things that are in the works for the blog:

1. Our first ever guest poster will be posting soon, how exciting is that?
2. Last summer I started a series on people I admire. It went one post it's summer again and I think its time for another entry.
3. I have a few other creative entries up my sleeve.

In the mean time let me tell you a little story about a thing we call a yard sale. Last week I spent most of my time preparing for and dreading our yard sale. Long story short we made some cash that in turn paid for nearly all of our cost for the truck rental. So it was kind of worth it. It was a lot of work for the pay off. I don't think I will ever have a yard sale again. People didn't want to pay much more than a quarter for anything.

Paul noticed one older woman who stayed around for a long time just talking to us. He observed later that she must have been really lonely. It was sad but I was glad Paul picked up on that. I like that he noticed that because it speaks volumes about his heart.

Then at the end of the day we put stuff out for free with a clear sign asking people to not leave a mess. Well people are ungrateful jerks because they left a huge mess in my driveway. No more freebees here.

Today I am grateful for time to breathe.
May you be blessed.

Relationships

I began starting this blog with an apology but I deleted it. I am not going to apologize or justify what I am feeling and now saying. As the move gets closer I know that I am leaving a lot of people I love behind. I also noticed that some people changed the moment we announced the move, others didn't they stayed just the same as they always had been. So I did something totally out of character, I stopped investing in relationships that felt pretty one sided. It has become quickly apparent to me that I made the right decision. Letting go of relationships that weren't healthy was a really good thing. I also see who is invested in relationships, I see who is reaching out and making it a point to maintain relationships. One sided relationships are a drag. They are exhausting and they slow you down.

I am glad that I figured this out now and not after we move and I try to keep up relationships. I think I can see pretty clearly which relationships are going to survive the move. I am sad though too that for some people the relationships didn't seem worth keep up on. I am not sure what happened. I am not going to sit here and try to figure it out either. My only regret is that I didn't figure this out sooner.

Today I am grateful for the people who not only love us and support us but invest in our relationships.

May you be blessed by one really fantastic relationship in your life.

Water

When I was in Africa nearly 3 years ago I met a group of people who lived in grass huts, owned no shoes and had to walk nearly 8 miles to the nearest water source. They would have about 4 ounces of water per person to last four days. That is about an ounce a day. It forever changed how I looked at water. As summer is fast approaching and we prepare our yard and lives for summer enjoyment I was thinking about how much water we use. Yesterday we had a power washer going, the washing machine and the dishwasher. All I could think was the things we take for granted. I used hot water to clean out a pot. We all showered. We had plenty to drink. I am sure we wasted some. Our toilets flushed. Pools got filled. Sprinklers run. Water Water Water Water... it's everywhere and ready to use. If you, like myself, were born into a privileged American lifestyle. If the circumstances of your birth were different and you happened to be born in rural Africa, India or parts of Asia or even South America and probably a bunch of places I am not aware of.

I appreciate water a lot more especially on a day like today where triple H's and 90 degree temperatures are predicted. I have always been someone who didn't waste water, something my dad instilled in me really young. Yet I feel tremendous guilt when I really think about all the water we use. I wish there was a way to send it to people who need it. A pipe line of clean water.

Today I am grateful for clean water.
I hope you are blessed with clean water.

Sabbath

This past weekend camping was the best Sabbath I have ever had. This trip allowed me to disconnect and recharge and just be with God. My mentor of 10 years is going to cringe when he reads this because it is the topic of his dissertation which I have read in it's entirety no less than 3 times. We have talked about it at length. Yet I still just discovered how wonderful Sabbath can be. How just being with God and disconnecting from the world can really recharge your batteries. It made me think that maybe I need more frequent trips to a secluded nature filled area even if they aren't for whole weekends but just a few hours. It was hard to come back but I was super productive once I got back into the groove of things.

Today I am grateful for extended sabbath.
May you be blessed by just a moment of sabbath today and everyday.

Weekend Insecurity

On Friday it was hot I had a lot of stuff to do. I was packing for our camping trip and all my regular pants were packed. Instead of throwing on sweats I put on a pair of shorts I discovered when we cleaned out the garage. I NEVER wear shorts. I used to but I really dislike my legs and I don't like showing them off unless I am swimming. I avoid short skirts unless they can be paired with leggings and unless it's crazy hot I avoid shorts. I never wear them out of the house. On Friday I went for a ride with Paul and I stayed in the car and wouldn't set foot in the store with my shorts on. They were comfortable but they were showing off way too much leg for my taste. When we got home we started loading the car in the driveway I didn't think much of wearing the shorts in the driveway. Then it happened on our busy street people often wave or yell hello out a car window. I know a lot of teenagers from working with them in the church. An SUV loaded with teenagers slowed down and yelled something, which I figured was "Hi Becca" I half waved and they drove away. I didn't really recognize the kids. Then my brain caught up with ears and I realized they yelled get a tan. Yep my larger than life legs are mighty white. Teenagers are still mean.

While camping I only shower every other day it's part of the whole experience. So I pack a do rag to cover my nasty greasy hair. Sunday it was warm so I tied my hair in a bun and held it in place with the do rag, you couldn't see any of my hair. I had on a men's t-shirt, jeans, flip flops and earrings. A little girl walked past and said mommy is that a boy or a girl? This didn't bother me as kids say these things. The mother however answered I don't know. All I could think was I have hips the size of Texas and have been pretty blessed in the boob department, really you don't know my gender because my hair is out of site and I am wearing a men's t-shirt?

So we established that I both need a tan and a gender identity. I was reading this book about weight loss, it's a little different because it is about spiritual surrender leading to the shedding of pounds. I started reading and I was skeptical. Really not my thing which I should have known as I never read this sort of thing. I tried to be a good sport. So I wrote down all these words and tried to journal about them as instructed. Apparently each represented a brick in the wall of flab I have surrounded myself with. Writing about it would allow me to remove those bricks. I rolled my eyes and pressed on. As I came to each word, I tried to write honestly about them, things like anger, judgement, shame. I didn't write much because here was what I found, that yes at times in my life I have felt all of these things or in the case of judgement I have felt it and done it. I totally got the concept. However for most of the words it felt like bringing up old crap that I had already processed and let go of and having let go of it I was hesitant to bring them back. I liked letting them go. So benefit of the doubt I told myself that I had intuitively done this already. I moved on to chapter two. Well there I learned that my Thin Self needed to write a letter to my Not Thin Self. I was done. I didn't write the letters. I can't get into those kind of activities even with reading the examples. First of all the tone was supposed to be all about how I wanted to bring my thin self back from my not thin self and I needed to love my not thin self to do that. All I have ever had was a not thin self. So I am not trying to bring her back I am trying to find her.

I already know that for some time food served as a comfort in my out of control childhood, I could control food. I also know that I am aware of that and have seriously changed my habits. We didn't even cover that. The book is overdue from the library and I am taking it back. I am kind of disappointed but I guess I knew that it wasn't the magic thing that would make this happen for me. All I know is that lately I really don't like much of anything about my body. Maybe that is whining insecurity. Maybe that is just honesty I am not sure. What I am sure of is this is a one post topic, I am not about to start an I am fat and miserable blog.

Be Blessed.

We are taking a little time off around these parts. Check back next week after for updates.