In Seminary you have to use inclusive language. I am familiar with these ideas and the terminology and the thought behind it. Basically we never call God he, father or anything masculine. I learned this week though that we aren't supposed to you Lord or King. King I can kind of understand but Lord is jarring. I like to use the term Lord. I know that it alludes to oppression but I do see myself as a servant and not in an oppressive way. So I guess my question is how do you when to stop with all this language stuff?
On a totally different note, I rather enjoyed our Native People's worship time today. Not only did it honor a small part of my heritage it felt more organic and natural to me.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to meet God on my own terms. Also to be in a place where we get to debate things like language.
May you be blessed with the experience of meeting God where you are at.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Grief an Ocean Apart
Today I learned my sweet Mirembe has passed away. Mirembe was a little girl I met while in Kampala a few summers ago. I believe she was about 7 when she passed earlier today. She had been abandoned by her parents because of her Sickle Cell Anemia. My friends who help get kids off the street in Kampala had taken her in, not to one of the homes where the children live with Mentors but into their personal home. I was there the same week Mirembe arrived. Mirembe only understood a tribal language so we couldn't communicate much. You could see in her eyes how scared and confused she was. I spent an entire Sunday with her and that afternoon I made her laugh and for the first time we understood each other. Her "new" mom came running out asking if it was Mirembe who laughed and I said yes. We became fast friends. I sent her crayons and coloring books. She sent me colored in pages back. She suffered many set backs earlier this year and today she suffered her last.
It is hard to know how to grieve so far away. I can't hop a plane to be at tomorrow's funeral. I wouldn't make it in time if I left right now. I am left with prayer and sending a note that will likely not arrive at the home of her grieving parents and siblings for weeks.
I saw God in Mirembe. She changed me, my life and how I will live my life.
Today a little girl just outside of Kampala Uganda passed away and a big girl in Louisville is crying. That is the world we live in. It would be very hard to tell me today that I should love my "own" people first.
The truth is I loved Mirembe and I will continue to love her. Her picture will remain in our house until I myself meet my end. I don't understand how it is that God lets the littlest people get so sick and pass before their time has come.
I gave up some time ago trying to solve that problem.
I will say that with heart ache and all I still believe God is real.
Today I am so very grateful to have been blessed by having met Mirembe and that I can still hear her laughter echoing in my ears and her smile burned in my eyes.
It is hard to know how to grieve so far away. I can't hop a plane to be at tomorrow's funeral. I wouldn't make it in time if I left right now. I am left with prayer and sending a note that will likely not arrive at the home of her grieving parents and siblings for weeks.
I saw God in Mirembe. She changed me, my life and how I will live my life.
Today a little girl just outside of Kampala Uganda passed away and a big girl in Louisville is crying. That is the world we live in. It would be very hard to tell me today that I should love my "own" people first.
The truth is I loved Mirembe and I will continue to love her. Her picture will remain in our house until I myself meet my end. I don't understand how it is that God lets the littlest people get so sick and pass before their time has come.
I gave up some time ago trying to solve that problem.
I will say that with heart ache and all I still believe God is real.
Today I am so very grateful to have been blessed by having met Mirembe and that I can still hear her laughter echoing in my ears and her smile burned in my eyes.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tough Day
Today has been a tough day. I was swamped with meetings and homework and didn't get five minutes of time at home until Paul was leaving for work. So I wanted to be intentional about sitting down for a few minutes and finding gratitude. I am grateful for this experience as noisy and busy as it can be.
I am learning to let go of things that normally would drive me bonkers. I left the house a bit of a mess this morning when I left for the library. Friday was Paul's birthday and I did very little to celebrate it. On Saturday we had the dinner of his choice and the cake of his choice. I didn't have time to get a card or make one. I didn't decorate the house at all. Normally I will blow up a few balloons or make a little banner. Nothing this year, I couldn't get to the balloons and I ran out of time. The world went on. Paul enjoyed his cake. I am new at that and while I won't say it felt good, it was ok.
Today I am grateful for this challenges and opportunities.
May you be blessed with gratitude for challenges.
I am learning to let go of things that normally would drive me bonkers. I left the house a bit of a mess this morning when I left for the library. Friday was Paul's birthday and I did very little to celebrate it. On Saturday we had the dinner of his choice and the cake of his choice. I didn't have time to get a card or make one. I didn't decorate the house at all. Normally I will blow up a few balloons or make a little banner. Nothing this year, I couldn't get to the balloons and I ran out of time. The world went on. Paul enjoyed his cake. I am new at that and while I won't say it felt good, it was ok.
Today I am grateful for this challenges and opportunities.
May you be blessed with gratitude for challenges.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Heartbreakingly Beautiful
Yesterday I had a long day of orientation. I was dreading the last 3 hours labeled on our schedule as Sexual Misconduct Training. It ended up actually being way more interesting, it had to do with setting appropriate boundaries for clergy and counselors. Since I was sitting in a room full of future clergy, counselors and professors it made sense.
Our conversation side tracked to how the call to ministry effects many already existing relationships in our lives. Someone raised their hand and asked about family relationships and not accepting the journey that we are on and the hurt that comes from it. She started crying and apologizing. My heart broke for her. Then the most beautiful thing I have seen humans do in a while happened. A few girls brought her tissues. Then at the same time two more walked over and just stood with her as she let it out. Our dean answered the question so compassionately. He made sure to take care of her in that moment. I saw the most compassionate eyes looking at her. I guess that shouldn't have been surprising as we are all preparing to enter "helping" professions. I noticed that a few other students started crying quietly in their seats. I just had to blank stare as to not loose it myself. Then someone piped up can we pray, can we just pray right now. So our leader led us in the most beautiful prayer for all those upset and all of us on this journey. Well I think nearly everyone lost it. Even yours truly who acts like a dude when it comes to crying shed a few tears.
Then we took a little break and I heard so many people saying things that I was feeling. I am so glad that someone was brave enough to put it out there. I didn't even realize how much I was feeling it until I heard someone else say it. We talked a bit about family relationships strained. Friendships lost. It was both beautiful and draining.
You know I learned so much from that moment. In my ever going struggle with being ok with crying in front of people I saw someone who was very brave. I learned that my classmates are full of compassion. I learned that I am not alone. I learned that this place is a place where we can say what we feel and have it respected.
We talked a lot about how being ordained "sets you apart". Then it was out there, it is often a very lonely place. I was somewhat sad because I realized... it is going to continue to be a lonely place.
Today I am grateful for what I experienced yesterday on so many levels.
May you be blessed in finding a place where it is safe to bring with you all the things that make you whole.
Our conversation side tracked to how the call to ministry effects many already existing relationships in our lives. Someone raised their hand and asked about family relationships and not accepting the journey that we are on and the hurt that comes from it. She started crying and apologizing. My heart broke for her. Then the most beautiful thing I have seen humans do in a while happened. A few girls brought her tissues. Then at the same time two more walked over and just stood with her as she let it out. Our dean answered the question so compassionately. He made sure to take care of her in that moment. I saw the most compassionate eyes looking at her. I guess that shouldn't have been surprising as we are all preparing to enter "helping" professions. I noticed that a few other students started crying quietly in their seats. I just had to blank stare as to not loose it myself. Then someone piped up can we pray, can we just pray right now. So our leader led us in the most beautiful prayer for all those upset and all of us on this journey. Well I think nearly everyone lost it. Even yours truly who acts like a dude when it comes to crying shed a few tears.
Then we took a little break and I heard so many people saying things that I was feeling. I am so glad that someone was brave enough to put it out there. I didn't even realize how much I was feeling it until I heard someone else say it. We talked a bit about family relationships strained. Friendships lost. It was both beautiful and draining.
You know I learned so much from that moment. In my ever going struggle with being ok with crying in front of people I saw someone who was very brave. I learned that my classmates are full of compassion. I learned that I am not alone. I learned that this place is a place where we can say what we feel and have it respected.
We talked a lot about how being ordained "sets you apart". Then it was out there, it is often a very lonely place. I was somewhat sad because I realized... it is going to continue to be a lonely place.
Today I am grateful for what I experienced yesterday on so many levels.
May you be blessed in finding a place where it is safe to bring with you all the things that make you whole.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
When the Words Come Later
A few weeks ago in class we had done a reading on Christian community then we broke up into little groups to discuss the reading. I mentioned a movement and then referenced someone who was considered a leader in that movement. I was met with so much animosity for said person and my perceived liking of said person that the conversation kind of just got shut down. Now if the things said about this person were true, then I would have to agree that they are an ass. However my experience of this person has not been the case.
My point being I replayed the conversation in my head a few times and all those things I should have said pop up. I realized later we may not have even been talking about the same person based on comments about age. I thought it was funny though because not only did the conversation derail about the movement and get stuck on one leader, the leader was said to be too radical. All I can think is wasn't Jesus a little radical?
I wish I had spoken up and resisted more instead of just shutting up. I have three years here, I think I will get the hang of it.
Today I am grateful that we can all have our own opinions.
May you be blessed in graciously voicing your own.
My point being I replayed the conversation in my head a few times and all those things I should have said pop up. I realized later we may not have even been talking about the same person based on comments about age. I thought it was funny though because not only did the conversation derail about the movement and get stuck on one leader, the leader was said to be too radical. All I can think is wasn't Jesus a little radical?
I wish I had spoken up and resisted more instead of just shutting up. I have three years here, I think I will get the hang of it.
Today I am grateful that we can all have our own opinions.
May you be blessed in graciously voicing your own.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Church Search
Today we went out to a typical church for our denomination. Paul and I dressed up knowing it was a more traditional place. We were still under dressed. Paul was one of three guys in the whole place not wearing a jacket. Whoops! So we go into all of this trying to be open to the new experience. The church was beautiful. Very clean neat and orderly. It was also very cold. Not one person welcomed us. During the passing of the peace we were all but ignored until the very last moment when the people in front of us turned around. The best we got was an associate pastor smiling a half smile and telling us they were so happy to have us. Some how, I don't think she meant it. She looked pained just to say it. Maybe I read too much into it because at that point we were ready to leave and church hadn't started yet. Church started considerably late, which as a parent of a two year old was high frustrating. I only get an hour to keep her still after that it is unbearable for all parties involved.
I read the bulletin as I waited. There was no mention of mission. Fundraisers check. Meetings check. Note about sending your children to the appropriate worship with out their parents check. It became clear that there was no place for us a "young" family with a 2 year old. Worship apparently starts at 3 years old. There was no note of a nursery. People were not very understanding of Lilia's chattering or speaking in tongues as I like to call it. So we were toughing it out. Paul took Lilia out of church twice. I was trying to make it through the sermon when Paul came back in and Lilia had leaked out of her diaper all over the both of them. I took my chance and we high tailed it out of there.
I was a little shocked because this church boasts a preschool. How can you have a preschool and not welcome a toddler in worship? The sermon ultimately went into stewardship. I wasn't surprised. They maybe keeping their older folks happy there but inevitably no matter how deep the pockets they are not the future of the church.
Last year when we were out here, we were in worship at the chapel. Lilia was just a year old then. She was fussing and making noise and Paul and I obviously got tense, worship, new people, and trying to make a good first impression. Someone came over to us and told us that her sounds were welcome as a part of the worship in this place. That pretty much sums up what we are looking for in a church home.
_______________________________________________
Tonight I went back to the church we went to a few weeks ago. I left Paul and Lilia at home because she had already been to church. Paul being very wise encouraged me to go and clear my head after a long day of cleaning and organizing. I headed out on my own and arrived with just a minute to spare. I plopped down in a back pew and noticed this amazing drumming going on. I felt the whole week melt away. I closed my eyes and what happened next I can only describe to you as being a transcendental experience. I relaxed into the pew with my hands open on my lap. I felt myself begin to just sway with my eyes closed. Then it was as if I was somewhere else, some place of tremendous peace and love. As the worship leader called us into worship I was overcome with emotion. Being in a new place I held it back... barely. All through out worship I kept holding back tears. Over and over again I was moved. I witnessed the most beautiful baptism. I left thinking well I think I know where our new church home will be.
________________________________________________
Then it hit me, of these two churches the church I come from, that raised me is much more like the first than the second. I thought for a moment maybe I had wasted my time there because I never really connected with the worship. However, I did connect with the people and I never ever felt like Lilia wasn't welcome, they were welcoming her from the moment they knew I was pregnant. I am kind of left wondering why I was called to be in that place, to stick it out, because I often did feel like I was sticking it out. Then it occurred to me that I would not be in this place if it wasn't for that place. I am reminded of the Lion King and the circle of life. I am so blessed to have come from a place that has loved me and helped me grow into this person that I am.
_________________________________________________
Being the cynic I am often apt to be, I thought for a moment maybe this music I connected so deeply with was meant to manipulate me into this experience. Then again maybe I needed to be brought into that place emotionally to be vulnerable enough to connect with God. I think that is highly likely because I know I put up walls to keep people out and I am beginning to suspect that God may not be excluded from those walls.
I want to go to a field and weep maybe even sob. Alas I still have a paper to write!
Today I am grateful to be a loved child of God. Just as I am.
May you be blessed to know this God intimately.
I read the bulletin as I waited. There was no mention of mission. Fundraisers check. Meetings check. Note about sending your children to the appropriate worship with out their parents check. It became clear that there was no place for us a "young" family with a 2 year old. Worship apparently starts at 3 years old. There was no note of a nursery. People were not very understanding of Lilia's chattering or speaking in tongues as I like to call it. So we were toughing it out. Paul took Lilia out of church twice. I was trying to make it through the sermon when Paul came back in and Lilia had leaked out of her diaper all over the both of them. I took my chance and we high tailed it out of there.
I was a little shocked because this church boasts a preschool. How can you have a preschool and not welcome a toddler in worship? The sermon ultimately went into stewardship. I wasn't surprised. They maybe keeping their older folks happy there but inevitably no matter how deep the pockets they are not the future of the church.
Last year when we were out here, we were in worship at the chapel. Lilia was just a year old then. She was fussing and making noise and Paul and I obviously got tense, worship, new people, and trying to make a good first impression. Someone came over to us and told us that her sounds were welcome as a part of the worship in this place. That pretty much sums up what we are looking for in a church home.
_______________________________________________
Tonight I went back to the church we went to a few weeks ago. I left Paul and Lilia at home because she had already been to church. Paul being very wise encouraged me to go and clear my head after a long day of cleaning and organizing. I headed out on my own and arrived with just a minute to spare. I plopped down in a back pew and noticed this amazing drumming going on. I felt the whole week melt away. I closed my eyes and what happened next I can only describe to you as being a transcendental experience. I relaxed into the pew with my hands open on my lap. I felt myself begin to just sway with my eyes closed. Then it was as if I was somewhere else, some place of tremendous peace and love. As the worship leader called us into worship I was overcome with emotion. Being in a new place I held it back... barely. All through out worship I kept holding back tears. Over and over again I was moved. I witnessed the most beautiful baptism. I left thinking well I think I know where our new church home will be.
________________________________________________
Then it hit me, of these two churches the church I come from, that raised me is much more like the first than the second. I thought for a moment maybe I had wasted my time there because I never really connected with the worship. However, I did connect with the people and I never ever felt like Lilia wasn't welcome, they were welcoming her from the moment they knew I was pregnant. I am kind of left wondering why I was called to be in that place, to stick it out, because I often did feel like I was sticking it out. Then it occurred to me that I would not be in this place if it wasn't for that place. I am reminded of the Lion King and the circle of life. I am so blessed to have come from a place that has loved me and helped me grow into this person that I am.
_________________________________________________
Being the cynic I am often apt to be, I thought for a moment maybe this music I connected so deeply with was meant to manipulate me into this experience. Then again maybe I needed to be brought into that place emotionally to be vulnerable enough to connect with God. I think that is highly likely because I know I put up walls to keep people out and I am beginning to suspect that God may not be excluded from those walls.
I want to go to a field and weep maybe even sob. Alas I still have a paper to write!
Today I am grateful to be a loved child of God. Just as I am.
May you be blessed to know this God intimately.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Noticing
This past week two scriptures have come up multiple times, I don't know what it means or if it really means anything at all. I am however noticing that this happened.
The first is Jeremiah 29 which has a verse about seeking the shalom of the city. It is the tag line for the church we attended last weekend. Yesterday I was listening to a radio peace for my homework and the interviewed quoted the verse.
The second is Proverbs 31. I had to read it for homework and it was the preaching text last week in the church we attended. Granted the guy who was preaching was a student here, so he may have been remembering the lesson I am getting today on this verse or it might just be popular around here.
I am not sure if it is coincidence or if God is trying to get my attention, because honestly it could be either.
Today I am grateful for a fresh start in seminary.
May you be blessed with a fresh start somewhere in your life, after all everyday is a day to begin again.
The first is Jeremiah 29 which has a verse about seeking the shalom of the city. It is the tag line for the church we attended last weekend. Yesterday I was listening to a radio peace for my homework and the interviewed quoted the verse.
The second is Proverbs 31. I had to read it for homework and it was the preaching text last week in the church we attended. Granted the guy who was preaching was a student here, so he may have been remembering the lesson I am getting today on this verse or it might just be popular around here.
I am not sure if it is coincidence or if God is trying to get my attention, because honestly it could be either.
Today I am grateful for a fresh start in seminary.
May you be blessed with a fresh start somewhere in your life, after all everyday is a day to begin again.
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