Fifteen years ago today on a rainy Friday night while watching 20/20 with me, Paul asked me, "Beck, would you be my girlfriend?" I reply, "Mmmmmhhhhmmmm." I was 16 he was 17 we had no idea all the life we would live together or that we would create life. We were just kids watching TV. The journey hasn't always been heart and butterflies. There are challenges and joys but they are ours together. We are older now, we might be slightly wiser but I am still not sure we know what life will bring. Here is to another 15 years of living life together. Gulp... that would be 30 years something my mind can't get around this early in the morning as it is just about a life time for me.
Today I am grateful for all the moments together over 15 years, good and bad for they created the us we are today.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Routines
Today I am grateful for finally getting all of our routine's back in order. It makes me more productive and leaves more space in my life for things like church on Sunday mornings. It also allows for me to spend time at the playground on amazing February days. I still have a lot to get done tonight but I feel like life has more space with the structure. The structure helps me get things done.
Routines delicately balanced with a flare for the spontaneous for you I am grateful.
Routines delicately balanced with a flare for the spontaneous for you I am grateful.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
The Stars
Tonight is the Oscars which I will surely be watching, a night full of stars but those aren't the kind of stars I am talking about. I wonder how they even came to have the same name. I am talking about the kind you see in the sky, especially on cold winter nights. This Friday evening I found myself doing laundry after dark, something I don't normally do. As I was walking to the end of our building I looked up at the moon and the stars. I saw Orion. I had a thought, there's Orion one of the few constellations I can pick out on my own. In New Jersey at the house I grew up in and lived on and off at until moving here last summer, when I stand in the driveway looking at the stars I can always see Orion. Suddenly I knew what direction I was facing. I had for that moment my footing in the world I knew where I came from and where I was standing and not so much where I was going but that where ever it is I end up I should be able to find Orion and know where I have been. The stars are the same everywhere we go, consistent like the moon and the sun.
I remembered as a little girl wrapped in warm blankets laying on our cement patio with my dad just looking in wonder at the stars. I often think about my dad when looking at the stars, when I was a little girl and he was first in a nursing home, I missed him terribly. I sang the song from "Fivel" Somewhere Out There. The lyrics go like this:
It helped me to feel connected to him even though I couldn't be with him. All through my life when I have had to be far apart from someone whom I am close to and miss I have told them at night look up we, see the moon, the stars, we are looking at the same ones. I do the same, when I miss someone I look at the stars or the moon and think about how the one I miss and love can see them too and some how through this shared glance across space and time and sky and night we are connected, maybe even seen. I realized this morning while thinking about the stars and how much it excited me to find Orion standing strong in the night sky I listened to a sermon about how we are on a journey, a journey that at times takes us into the wilderness. Well I was flooded with thoughts I had to take out my notebook and start writing.
Writing that has brought me here, first I must tell you that I realized I am in the wilderness; a place of disorientation, unknowing, desolation, an in between place, sparseness, loneliness, brokenness and in my case just struggling to survive. Oh yes I am in the wilderness and I didn't even realize it because I am so distracted by what it is I must accomplish while I am in this in between place called Seminary. I was on a journey, life, messy ugly beautiful and lovely life. In this life I had a place called home in the state of New Jersey. I had friends and family surrounding me and we were living life together. We were getting married, having babies, buying houses, living life. Then into my life once again broke in the voice of God, saying, "Oh Becca I am not done with you yet." Not that this means I think God will ever be done with me, but there was a time where I thought I misheard something or maybe I wanted to be used in a way God didn't want to use me. There I was a mom to one, settling into my role as mother, when God said nice try and I began to feel restless thinking there just has got to be something more than this. I was happy, I had my little answered prayer but I longed for there to be more to life. I had to find the more. That's how I ended up here at my kitchen table in my dormpartment in a land they call Kentucky far away from what was home (New Jersey) and not knowing where home will be next.
It's weird to be someplace knowing you are only there for a short while, seminary after all is three years of that in between space, because you can fall in love with your surroundings and peers but come three years you will be moving on, called by God to serve God's people. Sometimes I still find things that surprise me about being here, like nothing ever starts on time. It is when my East Coast hustle shows, church starts late and runs late, even Catholic, even Presbyterian. Things like that are more laid back and to my Jersey girl it's foreign and weird and disorienting. This would never happen at home, home is a funny word isn't it. Where is home? That's a good question because it's not NJ anymore and KY doesn't quite feel like it yet all while knowing another 2.5 years and I will have a new home yet again. Then there are these complex feelings about life and family. How do you maintain the friendships 700 miles away? What of my desire to give Lilia a sibling? Does this new path of service allow for old dreams to come to fruition?
So here I am in this in between place, that feels foreign and is the wilderness with nothing but the stars to guide me. Lately, we have been watching The Lion King a lot. Simba encounters his late father in the stars and I can't help but wonder if that holds some truth. I wonder what my own late father would think sometimes or what message he would send me from the stars or anywhere else. The thing is I know where I have been, where I have come from and what has shaped me. My New Jersey home, friends, family, church family, actual house, they were all stops along the way. The journey continues if I dig my heals in or not. I am hesitant to put down strong roots here because I know the journey will move me forward. I may never be back to my old life, I take with me relationships for life, memories. It's time to get more connected here because there are new stops on the journey waiting to teach me something.
I thought the sense of security I got from the stars was silly at first but maybe it is just plain normal. Think about it, the stars have been guiding people on journeys for a long time. Ship captains used them, astronomers study them as do astrologers and then there were those guys in a desert (wilderness) about 2000 years ago who followed... a star... to something extraordinary.
I remembered as a little girl wrapped in warm blankets laying on our cement patio with my dad just looking in wonder at the stars. I often think about my dad when looking at the stars, when I was a little girl and he was first in a nursing home, I missed him terribly. I sang the song from "Fivel" Somewhere Out There. The lyrics go like this:
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there And even though I know how very far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky Somewhere out there if love can see us through Then we'll be together somewhere out there Out where dreams come true And even though I know how very far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky Somewhere out there if love can see us through Then we'll be together somewhere out there Out where dreams come true
It helped me to feel connected to him even though I couldn't be with him. All through my life when I have had to be far apart from someone whom I am close to and miss I have told them at night look up we, see the moon, the stars, we are looking at the same ones. I do the same, when I miss someone I look at the stars or the moon and think about how the one I miss and love can see them too and some how through this shared glance across space and time and sky and night we are connected, maybe even seen. I realized this morning while thinking about the stars and how much it excited me to find Orion standing strong in the night sky I listened to a sermon about how we are on a journey, a journey that at times takes us into the wilderness. Well I was flooded with thoughts I had to take out my notebook and start writing.
Writing that has brought me here, first I must tell you that I realized I am in the wilderness; a place of disorientation, unknowing, desolation, an in between place, sparseness, loneliness, brokenness and in my case just struggling to survive. Oh yes I am in the wilderness and I didn't even realize it because I am so distracted by what it is I must accomplish while I am in this in between place called Seminary. I was on a journey, life, messy ugly beautiful and lovely life. In this life I had a place called home in the state of New Jersey. I had friends and family surrounding me and we were living life together. We were getting married, having babies, buying houses, living life. Then into my life once again broke in the voice of God, saying, "Oh Becca I am not done with you yet." Not that this means I think God will ever be done with me, but there was a time where I thought I misheard something or maybe I wanted to be used in a way God didn't want to use me. There I was a mom to one, settling into my role as mother, when God said nice try and I began to feel restless thinking there just has got to be something more than this. I was happy, I had my little answered prayer but I longed for there to be more to life. I had to find the more. That's how I ended up here at my kitchen table in my dormpartment in a land they call Kentucky far away from what was home (New Jersey) and not knowing where home will be next.
It's weird to be someplace knowing you are only there for a short while, seminary after all is three years of that in between space, because you can fall in love with your surroundings and peers but come three years you will be moving on, called by God to serve God's people. Sometimes I still find things that surprise me about being here, like nothing ever starts on time. It is when my East Coast hustle shows, church starts late and runs late, even Catholic, even Presbyterian. Things like that are more laid back and to my Jersey girl it's foreign and weird and disorienting. This would never happen at home, home is a funny word isn't it. Where is home? That's a good question because it's not NJ anymore and KY doesn't quite feel like it yet all while knowing another 2.5 years and I will have a new home yet again. Then there are these complex feelings about life and family. How do you maintain the friendships 700 miles away? What of my desire to give Lilia a sibling? Does this new path of service allow for old dreams to come to fruition?
So here I am in this in between place, that feels foreign and is the wilderness with nothing but the stars to guide me. Lately, we have been watching The Lion King a lot. Simba encounters his late father in the stars and I can't help but wonder if that holds some truth. I wonder what my own late father would think sometimes or what message he would send me from the stars or anywhere else. The thing is I know where I have been, where I have come from and what has shaped me. My New Jersey home, friends, family, church family, actual house, they were all stops along the way. The journey continues if I dig my heals in or not. I am hesitant to put down strong roots here because I know the journey will move me forward. I may never be back to my old life, I take with me relationships for life, memories. It's time to get more connected here because there are new stops on the journey waiting to teach me something.
I thought the sense of security I got from the stars was silly at first but maybe it is just plain normal. Think about it, the stars have been guiding people on journeys for a long time. Ship captains used them, astronomers study them as do astrologers and then there were those guys in a desert (wilderness) about 2000 years ago who followed... a star... to something extraordinary.
Today I am grateful for the stars, the wilderness and the beautiful gift
of being able to find the words.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Unrushed
Today I am pretty much caught up with everything that needs to be done, except school work. I do not feel as rushed as I have the past two weeks. I feel like I actually have time to get my work done. It is still a ton of work to get done but at least I don't have 10 other projects calling my name this morning.
I am grateful to not have a sense of urgency today.
I am blessed by the opportunity to acquire education.
I am grateful to not have a sense of urgency today.
I am blessed by the opportunity to acquire education.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Naps
Today I am filled with gratitude for a nap. I came home from class with a long list of things I needed to get done today. I opted to ignore that list and take a nap with my baby girl. We cuddled up and slept for a few hours and both woke up much happier. I actually finished more of my list than I would have if I hadn't napped. I was so refreshed.
I am grateful for my energizing and refreshing nap that allowed for me to crack out a good chunk of my to do list.
I am grateful for my energizing and refreshing nap that allowed for me to crack out a good chunk of my to do list.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Birds
It's only February but I have been hearing birds chirping in the mornings for some time. I really enjoy hearing that for a few minutes as I lay in bed praying for more sleep. Today we are supposed to get near 70 in temperature. I hear this isn't typical weather here but I will take it today. Sounds like a good day for the playground which is a mommy's library study desk on nice days.
Today I am grateful for the birds chirping and the unseasonably warm temperatures. (Even if they make my allergies do things that I didn't know possible in February.)
May you be blessed by being outdoors in God's creation and knowing you are loved.
Today I am grateful for the birds chirping and the unseasonably warm temperatures. (Even if they make my allergies do things that I didn't know possible in February.)
May you be blessed by being outdoors in God's creation and knowing you are loved.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Learning so much and yet feeling so inceredibly inept...
This semester is about half way through it's second full week and flying by already. I am kind of grateful for that in and of itself because I long for a good stretch of break where I can find my wits again, think summer. This semester is a lot of work spread out over the semester unlike last semester where it was all bunched up in places like the middle and the end. I am learning so much already and I think that is the change I am noticing, I see that I am learning and I LOVE the LEARNING part. I had to read the entire Directory for Worship from the Book of Order. It's dry reading but I did learn a ton from doing it.
Here's the thing though, I feel stupid frequently just when I think I am starting to grasp something my classmates will come out with something and I am like dam I have so much catching up to do. Those moments aren't constant thank God. Then there was tonights mach polity exam. Well if I wasn't feeling behind everyone else, I am now. That thing was a bear and it leaves me feeling like I am not ready, may never be ready and lots of other random not so nice things.
This is interesting because I wrote down the blog theme for today long before I took that exam. I guess that's the thing, the "smarter"I get the smarter everyone else seems around me.
Today I am grateful for the chance to learn and to recognize the growth and learning in myself.
Here's the thing though, I feel stupid frequently just when I think I am starting to grasp something my classmates will come out with something and I am like dam I have so much catching up to do. Those moments aren't constant thank God. Then there was tonights mach polity exam. Well if I wasn't feeling behind everyone else, I am now. That thing was a bear and it leaves me feeling like I am not ready, may never be ready and lots of other random not so nice things.
This is interesting because I wrote down the blog theme for today long before I took that exam. I guess that's the thing, the "smarter"I get the smarter everyone else seems around me.
Today I am grateful for the chance to learn and to recognize the growth and learning in myself.
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