Friday, December 17, 2010

The Pain Tells Us We Are Alive

I just packed up a box of goodies for my niece who lives just a few miles away. Circumstances as they are I do not get to see her. On January 2 it will be a full year since I have seen her. This is not my doing, I am not that psycho Aunt. Part of it is family court and part of it is selfishness of at least one of the parties involved. My guilt lies only in loving her. OK OK and one pregnancy hormone rage inspired series of text messages two Christmases ago. I was pregnant though and I saw my brother and mother hurting and I wanted to stand up for them. I don't think that has been forgiven but I would forgive such a thing. It is hard to see your family hurting. I digress.

I miss this little girl so much. I am saddened that I won't get to see her face as she opens her gifts. I am saddened that she is Lilia's first cousin and they won't be growing up together. That breaks my heart. I grew up with a ton of cousins none were my age though and I was always lonely at family gatherings now I fear the same for my girl. The truth is I probably won't see the little miss until she comes looking for me someday. In hopes that her mother hasn't told her some awful things about all of us. It hurts though, it hurts every time I think of her.

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