Friday, February 25, 2011
So I suspect that my current rush of feelings comes from a canceled date. We thought this morning that we would do dinner and a movie as in a pay a sitter and enjoy a night out. We have an awesome sitter who was available last minute. It all seemed to be falling into place, our tax refund came so we could actually afford a little us time. While we have much more practical uses for the cash we allotted just a small amount to us. For a rare moment out. We can't afford a sitter most of the time so we only do things Lilia can do with us when there are no Grandmas visiting. I can't tell you the last time we ate dinner in an actual sit down restaurant. It was probably in October because we traveled and had two celebrations that month.
So I don't know if it was the disappointment of tonight being canceled or just where I am at in life. Tonight I have spent a good portion of Friday evening remembering how life used to be. I know that there is a chapter for everything. I was thinking about how I used to go to some sort of theatre production a few times a year. How once in a blue moon I would get a night out with the girls because we are so rarely all together. I never had a ton of ladies nights because I don't generally like the activities of ladies night and well Paul and I were young when we did well everything and I guess I just didn't establish those sorts of routines.
I find myself longing for a dinner out, a movie, a play, a night with girls. Anything to make Friday night mean something again and make the monotony stop. I know be careful what you wish for because in a years time I will be busy not bored and probably longing for the same things. Although I will be in a community where some of those things might actually happen. We don't get to do a lot of the things we used to out of sheer financial reasons. We have to budget well and entertainment takes a back seat especially when it requires childcare. I am hoping with our big move that maybe we will come to a place where we have resources for these things once or twice a month.
Overall I long for the time when all of my girlfriends save one, didn't live in NYC, Philly, Cincinnati, North Jersey, Virginia etc.
I need a break. I am not even stressed out just bored. We have been pretty socially active lately but I haven't found satisfaction just yet. Probably because it has been all family inclusive and if you are like me you know when with a group even if your Hubby has childcare under control you are still on edge because you don't want your kid to be "that kid".
So really I just wish Friday night meant something, anything.
Peace to you!
I guess because it isn't about the money. I do not desire status symbols like a car or a fancy house. Recently I have been toying with the idea of never buying a house. A car is a car it's purpose is to get me from point A to point B not to be flashy and impress people around me. If they are my family in theory they already love me, like I guess is optional, and if they are my friends they are choosing me. Surely a real friend wouldn't judge me based on what I am driving and if they are then they aren't my friend are they. So much of life in the US is about status symbols and I see that and I kind of hate it. It's like living for someone else. I know Paul and I have a unique world view. It becomes evident anytime we have a conversation about such things. Last weekend some one said to me that old adage you should never talk religion or politics. I said but religion is my life's work so while you talk about your job this is my job. Not to mention I should have said, we need to talk about religion more because that will lead to understanding. Has there ever been a time where we needed to understand each other more?
All that said, I do hope to bring in some money when I am done with school. Does that making me a hypocrite? I don't know. I am just saying I would be lying to you if I didn't say that my hope is that completing the Master's Degree would lead to some sort of gainful employment.
I wonder if my daughter will gain my lack of desire of material things, or just hate me for it?
Today I am grateful for how I see the world, however unpopular that view is and how unpopular it makes me.
May you be blessed today to see the world in your own way, in a way that isn't dictated by your family, friends or the general culture around you.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Eventually I agreed to let someone tell him I liked him. It didn't go well at all. It was the first time I ever did something like that and now I think it would have been much better to say something myself. Anyhow, he asked out one of my closest friends two weeks later. She called me hysterical. I wasn't upset with her. He and I though we stopped talking. We kind of faded into all things high school past. We called each other names as we went our separate ways. I should mention a year later when we crossed paths again, he did apologize, which I thought was kind of him.
I have often wondered I wonder how his life turned out? (As I do with many people.) So being able to see parts of his social networking page was interesting. Here's what I can tell you, there is a Garth Brooks song called Unanswered Prayers. It is basically about how sometimes he thanks God for unanswered prayers. One line in the song is how he and his wife ran into his high school girlfriend and how he is really glad his life turned out other than how he wanted it too then.
It has been playing in my head since. I had a good laugh at myself last night and those silly times that seemed so important then, that now are such an insignificant blip on the radar screen. In case you are curious I didn't add him to my network. I didn't see the point.
Today I am very grateful for how my life has turned out. I didn't know it then but the right boy for me was there all along on the other side of my locker. This coming Monday will mark 14 years since Paul asked me to "be his girlfriend". I am kind of glad I said yes. ;-) I didn't know it then but that little rejection was leading me to love and really eventually my baby girl. Oh hind site how lovely you are!
May you be blessed today by laughing at yourself, especially your former self!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It is becoming very real. The past week or so we haven't done much move related. Now it's back in the foreground and my heart is beating a little faster. Now if we could just settle on when to move. It would be really good to have the date.
May you be blessed today with a new adventure.
Today I am grateful for this new chapter in our lives.
I do enjoy all things party related. I go to the party store for fun. I keep ideas in a notebook. I love shows about fancy cakes or weddings. So you know I was a sucker for TLCs new Outrageous Kid Parties. I made use of the DVR Monday night and yesterday during nap time I indulged. I was interested to see what a party with no cap on the budget would look like. Well this six year old little brat er I mean girl had a birthday party that was exquisite and cost more than my wedding and had more guests to boot. The party was beautiful! No detail was left undone. There were costumes and characters and professional dancers. A cake that rivals many wedding cakes. It was beautiful and well thought out and probably the best money could buy for that part of the world.
Now that being said the behavior of all involved on the show was down right ugly! The teenage children of the couple were probably the most realistic. They knew it was completely over the top. The little girl was a monstrously bratty child. The mother was just as bad. The father enabled the whole thing. The point of contact at the venue offered to make an invoice the husband sees versus the real thing, right in front of the kid. Mom later says you can keep a secret from daddy right? In reference to another expense. It was crazy. I am not sure I can handle watching it again.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I was hoping that I could use the remaining 4 days this week to get caught up on my writing tasks, a little video editing and moving tasks but I can tell you right now that today is out. All I want to do is grab a blanket and watch all my dvr recordings from the past week.
May you be blessed with energy today!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
That is what I started thinking the other day. Then it occurred to me. Our cell phones and all of our wireless gadgets work on radio waves just a different part of the spectrum. If we could see them I am pretty sure we are in a constant state of bombarding our bodies with radio waves and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Could it be with so much new technology that makes used of the radio wave spectrum, that it is interfering with my radio reception? I ran it past Paul who firmed up my thoughts on radio waves, I had to make sure I wasn't wrong in saying all our wireless stuff uses the same sort of waves. (Save your remote that is infrared.)
We came to a conclusion, while your cell phone or wireless internet won't actually interfere with you radio because they read different wave lengths, it could be that the The air is so full of radio waves on frequencies that weren't being used before that our little radios are having a hard time tuning in any one station with out interference. Do you follow?
I wonder if I should send this one into the Mythbusters or if they have already done it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I have to be honest. A few years ago this would have made me jump out of my skin. I probably would have subscribed. I once tried to apply for a Media Director job at a church in Ohio. Then I read the personal conduct policy and decided that it really wasn't the job for me. I personally believe a single woman can be alone in a room with a male and have an entire conversation with out falling in lust or jumping his bones. I digress.
Right now though the idea that this magazine exists makes my stomach turn a little. While I believe that media in church is a good thing. Trust me I do not even take a bulletin now, those follow along projected slides are easy to follow and Lilia can't rip them to shreds. However when your whole church experience, meaning worship time, becomes about production I draw the line. Production is entertainment. Worship isn't about being entertained by some Jesus music and skits. It isn't about fancy lighting or live switching video or pricey high end microphones. It is about connecting with God and others. While I think all of these things can have a place in worship I don' think they should take the place of worship. It is a delicate balance.
I was intrigued by the Easter Pageant Nightmare story to me any Pageant is a nightmare. What I found most interesting was this was not an article geared towards production minded people. It was for people who volunteer on the media team. I know this because one of the several points was to know the difference between a cut and a fade. Yikes!
It is when I see this stuff I am most disappointed in church. I feel myself shying away from anything that looks like church and longing for a small intimate community in which to share life and spread joy.
Today I am grateful because I see how much I have grown.
May you be blessed in seeing where you have been and who you have become.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Lately I can't even remember where my shopping list is let alone what is on it. Simple recall is becoming difficult, by my standards anyway. What set this all off? A few months ago a friend of ours mentioned she was thinking about a fairy theme for her daughter's birthday party. A few weeks ago, I saw something in a store and later told Paul about it and how it would work really well with a fairy themed party. Last weekend we saw said friend and I could remember that I saw something fairy like but not what it was. So much so, that I can remember being in Paul's car, I can remember what road we were on and where. I can remember saying I should tell my friend. I can't remember which store I was in or what IT was. I know this doesn't normally bother people. I know it happens all the time. It has been half a week, I even went so far as to trace my steps. I talked it out with Paul, he remembers the conversation but not IT as well.
Every time a store clerk asks me if I need help finding something I giggle to myself. Yes I am looking for IT but I don't know what IT is!
Last night after driving way out of my way to go back to where the conversation happened, nothing triggered my memory. I remembered 876 other things just not what it was. So I gave up. Maybe it will come to me. Maybe it is lost forever. I am not sure.
What I can tell you is it is driving me crazy, not so much the IT anymore, just that my memory isn't what it used to be. It was one of the defining things that made me, me. It is really upsetting that I am getting rusty. I had to fight back tears the whole ride home last night.
Maybe that was a little extreme but I am still really upset. I did start some memory training exercises to try to regain what I lost. We will see what happens.
I am grateful that my long term memory is still crystal clear.
May you be blessed with remembering something amazing about your life.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I am cheating I wrote this last year but wasn't blogging at the time. I only shared it with 3 people. Everyone of them really liked it so for your reading pleasure. Also I should add I did hate Valentine's Day for a few years because our dog's birthday was Valentine's Day and we lost him when he was just 3 because of a brain tumor. I think this may have caused some of the confusion. This year Paul made me a cookie. That is huge for him. Anyhow I hope you you are blessed by celebrating YOUR LOVE today. I am grateful that I found my own voice for love in this piece.
February 14, 2010
Don’t get me wrong I love pink glittery hearts and romance as much as the next girl. I think I am what you would call a closet romantic. My house is covered in festive hearts because I like the hearts not the holiday… that really confuses people, besides it is the dead of winter you need a little festive to get you through the day. If you met me walking down the street you wouldn’t get the impression that I am a mush or would ever like mushy stuff. Yet I do if it is just the right kind a great movie a random act of caring those will get me. I was a huge fan of Valentine’s Day when I was single. I was also 15ish then. I dreamt of my secret admirer coming in on his horse and sweeping me off my feet; professing his love as we rode off into the sunset of happily ever after. I knew in my heart someone had to love me but I didn’t really believe it then. Maybe I didn’t think I was worthy of love. Then 13 years ago my husband asked me to the Senior Prom (the first dance I was ever asked to) on Valentine’s Day weekend. It was probably the best I ever had. To top it off I was sick as a dog and dressed like crap when he just showed up on my doorstep to ask me and he asked in the middle of a conversation about answering machines, I said yes and the conversation kept going. I looked like crap and he asked anyway. I went from there to hating Valentine’s Day because it always lead to disappointment for me. I called it all sorts of dirty things like a card company holiday and a scam and pointless. I was in love and still as bitter as a single woman.
I think it is kind of a crappy day still because it tells us how to love and only really values one kind of love. So it tells people they should be in love, so basically if you are single today tells you, you suck because people in love have something special. If you aren’t in love it could make you panic and start trying to find love. It doesn’t say you are just fine all on your own a whole and complete person. People in love do have something special but I will get to that later. If you are in love today tells you what your love should be. Therein lies the problem. Love IS special and everyone loves in their own special way no two loves are the same. Valentine’s Day is about cheap calculated prescribed romance and that is what I don’t like. Three quarters of romance done right is the element of surprise which makes us feel special and wanted and LOVED. How can romance be a surprise on Valentine’s Day? Every girl if she admits it or not expects a little something if she has a special someone. So there it is calculated and maybe even expected and that just isn’t fun. So the powers that be tell us that we need that box of satin wrapped chocolates, over priced wilted red roses and maybe even jewelry or a fancy dinner. The price of all this stuff goes up and the quality goes down and let’s not forget all the cards. This is the first year in a long time I didn’t rebel and make my own card.
Then I have to ask what about all the other kinds of love there are in the world aside from romantic love? I love my daughter , my mother, my sister, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, my friends and the list goes on. What about God’s love? Love for neighbor? Love of Peace? Love goes so much deeper than here are some roses I want to get it on. Doesn’t it? And what of the love that doesn’t feel like a pink or red glittery heart? What about the love that is more of a bruised purple and blue heart? I know both kinds, don’t you?
After years of disappointment on this day even when I was in love I think today I figured it out. It was because I was looking for a prescribed culturally induced kind of love. I am not sure that is love at all. For years I set the bar in the wrong place and ended up sad and disappointed. Maybe I sent mixed messages too because I do not like the traditional gifts of the day. You can save the box of waxy chocolate wrapped in satin for some other girl (unless said box contains reeses anything). I do not like roses so strike two, they remind me of funerals. I am not even a big fan of jewelry. I particularly dislike diamonds. So maybe I made it impossible to understand what I was looking for. I made it quite clear what I wasn’t looking for.
Today we woke up a family, that was a first for us on this day of love. Love is different now. We both have this new amazing love for our little girl. Then we loved in the way our love works. We exchanged small tokens of affection and cards. I woke up with no expectation of anything phenomenal. I was grateful to have love surrounding me and it ended up being the best Valentine’s Day we have had since I was asked to the prom. It was special because it wasn’t calculated, expected or forced. It was special because I got a pair of funky socks with dogs and hearts on them and I really enjoy funky socks. I also got a handful of my favorite candies from a chocolate store. Take that box of waxy chocolates. I mean maybe my rant of I would take 4 caramels from the candy shop and be perfectly content rant as I looked at heart shaped boxes of candy in the store lead to that but whatever. He listened to a reasonable thought of romance, remembered it and did it and believe it or not I wasn’t even hinting. I bet that didn’t feel so overwhelming for him either.
In the end what made today special for us or really this morning was we loved in our own special way that only we can because the love we share is ours. Roses don’t fit in it especially over priced wilted ones. Our love is special! I mean after all it created our daughter. Our beautiful Lilia Grace. Maybe it sounds mean or judgmental and preachy but how many children are born out of a love like this? I have seen more born of cheap sex lately. Our love IS special and romantic and blessed. It isn’t perfect and it cannot be contained by Valentine’s Day or it’s culturally prescribed rules for romance. Like I said before romance is better other days of the year because it isn’t expected.
Maybe just maybe I have finally reconciled this whole Valentine’s Day thing in my heart. Today though I am comfortable in my own skin of love. I think from here on out I will remember how blessed I am to have this unique love and try to remember the blessings of all the kinds of love on know on Valentine’s Day.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Some of our friends had joined us and they lived close by so we went back to their house and just hung out for the afternoon and evening. Later more friends joined us. We hung out and ate pizza, played with the babies and played X box Kinect.
It was everything a Saturday should be. I didn't clean anything, I wasn't worried about a mile long to do list. I was just present enjoying my family. Enjoying time with friends. Well worth it. I feel so refreshed.
I am so grateful for the time to do this with Lilia.
May you be blessed by a day like our yesterday!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Today I am grateful for hope.
May you be blessed with a legacy of your own, hopefully a world changing one.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Over Sharing- I don't care that you are having tacos for dinner.
TMI- 6 hours later when you tell me you have the runs because of the tacos.
Are You Stupid- Self Explanatory. Works for many types of posts like sharing way too much personal information. Excellent also for underage drinkers who post pics of what they are doing.
Do I know you?- Again no explanation needed.
OK seriously no one cares.
Is facebook your therapist?- Can be coupled with the over sharing.
Too Many Pictures. You get excited because you see new pics posted and every picture someone took over the last three months is there. Sort people sort... just give us the good ones.
Put on some clothes. Works especially well for the ladies.
I didn't need to see that... this would have been great for the Britney Spears like crotch shot someone posted last week. Also works well for stitches, wounds and other various things.
Those are just a few... add some in the comments.
I am pretty sure I am guilty of some of these offenses!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
So you will understand then when I tell you that I find my shirts are tighter in my arms and my pants tighter in the hips, I WANT TO SCREAM! Then I want to cry. If I could see no difference at all it would be better but tighter clothes are you kidding me? It makes me want to bake and eat an entire tray of brownies or cookies or some other thing I am not making and eating. I don't know why I am telling you this. I am usually pretty private about these things.
All I can say is I am trying not to let it get me down. I am trying not to think about how Paul dropped almost 30 pounds instantly when he stopped drinking soda. I am trying not to eat because I am frustrated, also a mental block for me, I am trying not to eat emotionally at all. I am trying to only eat because I have to in order to sustain life. So for now I am blaming muscle growth... but it doesn't make me any happier about it.
Today I am grateful that I live in a place where abundance of food causes me to stumble. Although I would trade it for everyone having enough food in a heart beat.
May you be blessed by speaking aloud a frustration in a kind manner and have grace with yourself when you do.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Then you look back and find it quite odd that you would grasp unto something like fear so tightly. It seems as though we delude ourselves into thinking fear is safe and known. It is hardly life lived. If we let our fingers relax a little the blood starts flowing again and we begin to feel again and it is a new life.
For me in this very moment... I am letting fear go and embracing what is rushing in... excitement. I am taking a breathe like I never have before. I am seeing all the times in the PAST when I couldn't let go of fear. I set him free... to fly away on the winter's wind, not like a beautiful song bird, more like a ratty old news paper fluttering freely on by.
Good Bye Fear... I will try not to hold on to you so long the next time around.
I would like to dedicate this one to my mentor, which seems hardly accurate to describe our relationship.
What caught my attention was 3 of the things Lilia says regularly are Thank You, Welcome and Good Job. I knew she said these things all the time but when I spoke them in the Doctor's office I realized how awesome that is. I think for now I am claiming a victory for team Mom and Dad. To me it is proof positive that we are doing something right. It showed me what words she hears often. Now while I know this isn't an over all parenting victory and that likely we will fail miserably in some other place, here I am taking pride in this moment where as my daughter learns to speak her words are sweet, kind and polite.
I know this doesn't mean she won't ever scream profanity in the middle of some public situation but for now I am happy. I know that we are teaching her well. It is good to get to harvest some of those early seeds that have been planted.
I can't believe how much she absorbs. The doing yoga with us, imitating me with my weights, our words, our movements, our tones. It really keeps me in check. I know what she becomes will be exactly what I have taught her to be through my actions. It is hard work, I have to tame my reactions, I fall short sometimes. It is worth it!
Today I am grateful for tangible results.
May you be blessed with a moment of simple pride in your family today.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Wait though... what about family values? I feel it is really important for us to go as a family. It is good for all of us. It will teach Lilia so much because actions are louder than words.
So what to do? Take it one week at a time I guess.
Today I am grateful for one hour to myself and God.
May you be blessed with an hour of time for you and God.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Everyday when I first wake up I feed my dog and cat. As part of the morning routine I give them fresh water. Every single day since July of 2008 I have thought about how my pets get easier access to clean water than a good portion of the worlds population. Let's not even talk about nutrition.
The only real circumstance that separates me and my family and my African friends and their families is where we were born.
Today I am grateful for the little things that I could easily over look.
May you be blessed today by easy access to clean water.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I think my next book will either be fiction or on some other topic like veganism or politics. Really I will have plenty of time to read theology in Seminary. Now if I can just learn to give myself permission to stop reading books that are going no where.
May you just be blessed today!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Last night I made use of the DVR I was asleep by 8:30. I recorded new episodes of both Cake Boss and 19 Kids and Counting. I am a TLC junkie what can I say.
First up was Cake Boss. I really like this show. I am not sure if I am just waxing poetic because I am leaving soon, but I feel like it is the most accurate portrayal of New Jersey on reality TV. It embodies the large Italian Catholic families that make up a lot of NJ. As the title suggests with Boss... it's like a lighter version of the mob meets cake. However I highly doubt there is any actual mob involvement, but it is the stereo type of anyone Italian around here, thank you Tony Soprano.
They had this big family gathering to announce the pregnancy of their fourth child. I longed for my own childhood when our large family got together much more often. I used to see cousins on a regular basis. I was mildly sad that Lilia will not know that. It lead me on a path of strange reflection about having a large family. I am not sure how many if any siblings Lilia will have. I always thought I would have a gaggle of children but now I am not so sure. I think this is one of the strengths of the large family, the value put on family spending time together. I am not sure it should be forced but the desire to be together is nice.
The next observation was that Buddy and his wife are just a few years older than me. They have a stellar home. He has his hands full with a fourth baby on the way, a book and now three TLC shows. Yet they seem really established. I started wondering if that life could satisfy me, house, kids and all that goes with it. I am not sure it could, I am kind of a free spirit but I must tell you there is something alluring about the American Dream.
I doubt it could satisfy me yet in that moment I longed for the security of that life. The being established enough that you can just throw a random party with out budget concerns. I don't often long for material things including money. However... in that moment I found myself yearning for more financial security.
I can tell you that this was probably fueled by my wanting to throw Lilia a huge whole family all the cousins included birthday party before we leave. Something I knew well as a kid. It could also provide a way for us to see everyone before we go. However it likely won't happen. Not with all the money we need to save between now and then.
Next up a very general observation of the Duggars, they do not send their kids to public school but do encourage them to hold public office. I found that of interest. However their large family dynamic will continue to fascinate me.
Last up the Oprah show today. Her staff went vegan for a week. I am not sure that the vegan life style is for me. However I can tell you that I am back to a full vegetarian diet. We also are going to have one day a week vegan in our house. This is content for a whole different entry, but we should care where our food comes from.
I am grateful for the chance to learn in any capacity.
May you be blessed with education of some form!