Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Did I waste my 20's?

Every once in a while I sit back and reflect on my life. This random thought happened the other day, did I waste my my 20's? I didn't travel nearly as much as I could have. I over paid for one school and had to skimp on the others. I didn't buy a house or establish my career. I barely had a career. I didn't save up tons of cash, I barely saved any money. Go ahead cringe.

Here is what I did do in my twenties, I graduated twice. I got married. I had a beautiful baby girl. I experimented with my call. I didn't do much traveling but I did make it to Uganda and Burundi. I didn't live anywhere exciting but I did live a lot of different ways.

I was kind of bummed when I looked back over my twenties and realized how many things I didn't do. Like buying our first home, traveling more, establishing a career, started saving for anything let alone retirement.

There I was wallowing in myself pity when I realized what I really did in my twenties, I found myself. I know that sounds all neo-hippie and maybe even like a lame excuse to some. I however somehow along the way found my voice and became who I am today. I am not who everyone expected me to be. People had huge American Dreams for me. My dreams however have kind of turned to I don't know worldly? They go far beyond home ownership and a career. Here's the thing, I think I had to find myself and my confidence before I could really establish a career.

Here are somethings I know about myself now that I didn't know before, I not only like to travel and I can do so on my own or with company. I do not have to be nervous about such things. I am really glad I didn't buy a house first because it would have tied me down and taken away so many opportunities especially ones that are coming my way now, second um well the housing bust. I don't even know if I will ever want to buy a house. I might, I might not and that is OK. I no longer let other people's expectations of me and measures of success matter in my life. I know that when I say things like we might never buy a house, people think we are crazy. I know when we say things like when we move to Africa people roll their eyes behind our backs. Sometimes we even get a little strife when we say we will adopt at least one future child.

Now all that being said, I think I came away with something very powerful. I know that I actually don't want much of anything traditional. I think I spent most of my twenties trying to make myself want all the traditional things.

So here I sit half way through my thirtieth year. Glad that I have made it this far on the course that I did. I wouldn't be me otherwise. There is a confidence that comes with 30 that I didn't have before, a confidence in knowing who you are and having found your voice both in real life and on the page. That is the only way I can explain what I did last week. I submitted two pieces of writing to larger forums. They might get rejected, I am OK with that. If I want to write it's not going to happen over night. I will keep on writing everyday and move forward, I know these things take time. I also know that if I really want this I am going to have to face rejection multiple times and I am alright with that.

Today I am grateful for the confidence that has come with an age I was leery of.
I pray you are blessed by finding who you are.

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