Sometimes I wish there was anything that would make me feel fulfilled other than this life they call ministry. I don't even understand what it is I am supposed to do. I feel the call I know it's there. I am following and at times it feels like blindly.
I love school. Everyone tells me I should be a teacher. I love school supplies, I love teaching, I love kids, I love that look they get when they really get what you are teaching. I hate bureaucracy and politics which I ran into even substitute teaching. I wish I could be a teacher and be happy.
I love theater and film and even TV production. I spent a lot of time and money pursuing a career in those fields on the tech end to no avail. The only job I held in those fields was unsatisfying to say the least. While I was good at what I did and moving up quickly at the end of the day I would say there has got to be something more than this. In those days so long ago, money and status were really important to me. I wanted a huge house, a Jaguar and maybe even my own personal helicopter to commute with into NYC. I had big dreams. Yet I would still say I wish I could be happy doing that. I even wish sometimes that money would satisfy this itch, this yearning, this well... calling.
Then my baby girl, who is hardly a baby anymore, came along and I thought for sure that was it, motherhood was always my dream. Even today as I set aside my paranoia about germs and let run wild in a public place where kids and their germs were touching everything, I found such joy in her sheer excitement to be there. Even if we were two hours later arriving than I had wanted to because we got started a few minutes late, had to stop for gas and got lost followed by traffic. I have really been finding moments today and other days as well to just enjoy her, to savor her childhood. To be her mom, full time. Yet that nagging is still there.
I find myself day dreaming about a home for us lately, not too fancy but not too plain either. I am tempted to think that is enough, that is what it is I am searching for, but I know it isn't so. I know that while a house turned home would be fantastic, it won't satisfy the restlessness in my heart.
My dear friends send me the most beautiful pictures of their newborn baby girl. My thoughts trail off into thinking about what it would be like to have another baby or to adopt a child. They are usually interrupted by some sort of toddler activity which quickly gets me back on track to my one very loved child idea. In those restless moments, I know deep in my heart that isn't the answer either.
The call of God is unavoidable and at this point not very understandable. Yet I am following, following what feels like a million miles away for an ending that is uncertain. I balance, fear, doubt, hope and excitement as I pack boxes and say my good byes. When people ask why this place of all places, I say because I can afford it. I don't tell them my secret, God is sending me there for some reason I don't understand and maybe a few I do.
I am not sure I understand any of it. I just hope beyond all hope, that this is God calling and not my ego and that somewhere along the way my restless heart will be quieted even for a little while.
I am grateful.