Flaws

Everyone comes with a set of flaws some more able to be overcome than others. I don't want to get all pessimistic on you but I do want to reflect on some things in the hope of finding growth in that reflection.

When I loose things I go a little crazy. Especially if one of those things is part of a set. I am a little obsessive about sets. I need all the pieces. This is why I try not to have collections of anything because I want all the pieces. I have gotten better at the whole set thing over the years. Like when I was working on Lilia's room I didn't buy the matching curtain even though it was part of the bedding set because I hated it. I know that this seems logical to others but for me it was a huge step.

Currently missing are a very soft and pretty yellow burp cloth. It's one of only two actual burp cloths we had for Lilia. An orange pacifier is also missing. As far as baby things go I think we have everything else in check. I know that the pacifier is here somewhere. The burp cloth though is driving me bonkers it keeps invading my thoughts. I know that this is silly. That eventually it should turn up. I doubt I have left it somewhere. Just this morning I dug threw a dresser and closet. Then I started looking other random places it could be and compiled a mental list of more places to look. Like behind the couches and chairs. In the couch cushions.

In grown up world I lost an eye liner and I can remember exactly when I lost it but I can't remember where I was standing. I heard something fall from my make up bag looked at it and thought oh it's all there. Then I went to do my make up and one eyeliner is missing. I could buy a new one but where the heck did it go.

Lastly, I have an old memory key that has been missing for about 2 years that I am hoping is in the garage. It has all my eulogies on it. That every once in awhile invades my thoughts and drives me bonkers as well.


Next up how I function in general. If I have a big project I need to work on that requires focus per say writing an essay or editing a film, I have to have everything else done first or I can not focus. So if I need to write an essay I have to clean up the house first. I know that this is totally insane. I just function and focus better when there aren't any messes around me. So much so I had a little mini break down about it yesterday. Looking forward to being a student again I have to balance my need for a clean and orderly home with the demands of school. Just thinking about it sent me into a panic.

Now let's reflect on that whole school thing. I haven't finished my application let alone been accepted. Which means there is only one thought I should have on the whole matter. Finish the application, which is something I will do before I turn thirty. I better get a move on. That is it. Simply put there is absolutely nothing else that I can do to get ready for this. Then once I hit the send key there is nothing else I can do except wait and see if I get accepted. I know this. However thoughts on this keep popping up out of no where. Like I open the linen closet and I start looking at everything I can get rid of before the move. Or I look at the Halloween decorations and think that can't make the move and I get a little sad. They are just things. Things that I am having thoughts about. Thoughts that may not even need to be had. I look at the swing set and think do we pay to store it. It is endless.

OK so that all being said. I am easily distracted lately. So today I said to myself I am going to spend just one minute of every day focusing on my breathe and nothing else. I have got to let my mind be quiet sometimes. So I will start one minute at a time just being quiet and still. It's a start and maybe soon visions of that yellow burp rag will leave my head.