This morning I forced myself to take time to do some centering before I got ready for the day, even though I was behind. I went through a decent chunk of my daily practices but not all. I felt so centered as I went in to lead worship this morning. I also found that I was able to slow down as I entered the pulpit. One of the biggest challenges I have is slowing down my Jersey girl to a pace that is understandable outside of the North East. It is a constant struggle for me to slow down when using my words. This felt like a huge accomplishment today, one I have been working on for years. Now I hope it is as effective next week!
Today I am grateful for growth.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Losing my Education
There is an REM song, Losing my Religion, the lyrics to the refrain go like this:
Fear not, I am not losing my religion although I would prefer some other word much like the spiritual but not religious group that is forever on the rise. The only difference is well I work in organized religion, which isn't big on the spirituality of self. This morning I was reading a book that could be classified somewhere between religion and spirituality. Let me say, for me the two are as intertwined as they are separate. I was sitting along a parade route awaiting the start and reading quietly about ancient spiritual practice, I am also currently reading about mysticism, it seems two years out of seminary and I a ready to tackle "heady" books again. These two books are written by different people, in different traditions, a few years apart; yet they have common themes. I was reading the author's take on Biblical themes and thinking to myself, I really need to sit down and slowly work my way through the entire Bible again and identify the themes.
That is when it hit me, I used to know these things! If I thought about it long enough I could probably recall nearly all the thematic trends I was taught. The problem seems to be that they didn't sink into my permanent memory as sometimes happens when you are a full time graduate student, parent to a toddler, and an intern. In that moment I felt like the education I worked so hard for was starting to slip away as the demand for academics grows weaker and the demand for administration grows stronger in my day to day life. I noticed recently too that I would like to look back on how to do exegesis in sequential steps. I have all my note books so I can go back to them and review if I ever find the time, perhaps it is time I make time for them.
These song lyrics jumped into my head only with education instead of religion. Trying to keep up, trying to keep the balance between saying too much and not enough and often feeling like I have done both. I can't really make sense of it here but I can tell you for sure that it captures how I am feeling about all my education this week.
Today I am grateful for all the educational opportunities I have had and I will have in the coming lifetime.
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
Fear not, I am not losing my religion although I would prefer some other word much like the spiritual but not religious group that is forever on the rise. The only difference is well I work in organized religion, which isn't big on the spirituality of self. This morning I was reading a book that could be classified somewhere between religion and spirituality. Let me say, for me the two are as intertwined as they are separate. I was sitting along a parade route awaiting the start and reading quietly about ancient spiritual practice, I am also currently reading about mysticism, it seems two years out of seminary and I a ready to tackle "heady" books again. These two books are written by different people, in different traditions, a few years apart; yet they have common themes. I was reading the author's take on Biblical themes and thinking to myself, I really need to sit down and slowly work my way through the entire Bible again and identify the themes.
That is when it hit me, I used to know these things! If I thought about it long enough I could probably recall nearly all the thematic trends I was taught. The problem seems to be that they didn't sink into my permanent memory as sometimes happens when you are a full time graduate student, parent to a toddler, and an intern. In that moment I felt like the education I worked so hard for was starting to slip away as the demand for academics grows weaker and the demand for administration grows stronger in my day to day life. I noticed recently too that I would like to look back on how to do exegesis in sequential steps. I have all my note books so I can go back to them and review if I ever find the time, perhaps it is time I make time for them.
These song lyrics jumped into my head only with education instead of religion. Trying to keep up, trying to keep the balance between saying too much and not enough and often feeling like I have done both. I can't really make sense of it here but I can tell you for sure that it captures how I am feeling about all my education this week.
Today I am grateful for all the educational opportunities I have had and I will have in the coming lifetime.
A Celebration
Tonight nearly 1500 miles away at my home church there is a celebration of a decade of ministry with a group called Girls ONLY. This ministry was my baby back in 2005, like all things ministry related it took more than me to make it happen, and I am grateful for a co-leader who is still there leading this ministry for young girls.
The idea behind this ministry was to teach young women to believe and celebrate that they are made in the image of God, imperfections and all. I was asked to write a reflection about my time with "GO" and wrote about how I had dreamed of a ministry that I wish someone would have had for me at that age. As a woman it is my responsibility to help lift up and not put down other women, especially young women.
There are somethings I would do differently now with more life experience and a stronger feminist theology. Perhaps one day I will be in a place where I could lead this type of ministry again, it is so very important for our young girls who see nonstop images of perfection thanks to the ease of computer manipulation to photos. Tonight my spirit joins them all in celebrating and my prayer is for many more years of girls learning to love who they are and grow into who God is calling them to be.
Today I am grateful for a church that supported my dream and me. If it weren't for things like this and children's theatre ministry I wouldn't be a pastor today. I am grateful for a church that is willing to dream and experiment and to equip leaders.
The idea behind this ministry was to teach young women to believe and celebrate that they are made in the image of God, imperfections and all. I was asked to write a reflection about my time with "GO" and wrote about how I had dreamed of a ministry that I wish someone would have had for me at that age. As a woman it is my responsibility to help lift up and not put down other women, especially young women.
There are somethings I would do differently now with more life experience and a stronger feminist theology. Perhaps one day I will be in a place where I could lead this type of ministry again, it is so very important for our young girls who see nonstop images of perfection thanks to the ease of computer manipulation to photos. Tonight my spirit joins them all in celebrating and my prayer is for many more years of girls learning to love who they are and grow into who God is calling them to be.
Today I am grateful for a church that supported my dream and me. If it weren't for things like this and children's theatre ministry I wouldn't be a pastor today. I am grateful for a church that is willing to dream and experiment and to equip leaders.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Rejection
In he past week I have been "rejected" from a few things, most of them I am shrugging my shoulders at. One was a writing program I really wanted to attend later this year but I knew my odds of "getting in" were low. That is the only one that stung a little, even with the sting I know there are a few reasons why that didn't work out and I am mostly ok with that. The challenge has been having a few back to back that would otherwise not bother me has made me very aware of this concept of rejection. It is hard to quell the voice that screams "you aren't good enough" after several in a row. I am not losing sleep about it, just noticing what the invitation might be. I decided to write more and more, so there is already positive coming. Even if the writing lingers somewhere around forced and lacks meaning.
I guess there are moments when things that don't require a sorry it isn't you letter, feel similar to rejection. My struggle with fertility is often like that. We aren't getting any younger around here so we have upped our fertility game to some minor intervention which is about as far as we are going to go. On Monday I will start new medication since we have established the problem is with my body (we knew this already but now it is official). Today is cycle day one which means there was a bit of disappointment today. No matter how much I try I can't protect myself from that sort of disappointment I guess because by nature I am an optimist, I always find, even amidst my trying to be realistic a little bit of hope wanders in. It is quickly dashed against the rocks, every time, so I wonder why I even do it. Then again, a life with out hope for something more in our family, something better in our world seems rather pointless.
Today I am grateful for hope, even when it hurts. I am grateful for rejections that make me work harder toward the goal. I am grateful for those of you still around reading this old blog.
I guess there are moments when things that don't require a sorry it isn't you letter, feel similar to rejection. My struggle with fertility is often like that. We aren't getting any younger around here so we have upped our fertility game to some minor intervention which is about as far as we are going to go. On Monday I will start new medication since we have established the problem is with my body (we knew this already but now it is official). Today is cycle day one which means there was a bit of disappointment today. No matter how much I try I can't protect myself from that sort of disappointment I guess because by nature I am an optimist, I always find, even amidst my trying to be realistic a little bit of hope wanders in. It is quickly dashed against the rocks, every time, so I wonder why I even do it. Then again, a life with out hope for something more in our family, something better in our world seems rather pointless.
Today I am grateful for hope, even when it hurts. I am grateful for rejections that make me work harder toward the goal. I am grateful for those of you still around reading this old blog.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Discipline and Overachieving
Last week I decided I needed to be more disciplined about my spiritual practices while not striving for perfection in them. For example, writing is one of my best practices; in theory even if I just scratched out three sentences or some notes in a day, I could accept that while not perfect, it was what I could do with that day. This is writing that on a really good day would not involve work but for personal fulfillment. I have tried many practices like this over time, writing is a stronghold. Others have included time in scripture, writing prayers, time in silence (not my best practice), and reading. I am trying to get to a place where I get back into the routine of many of these practices. Today as I sat down with three books, a Bible, and three journals... I thought perhaps just maybe I have set the bar too high here? My goal is to do these practices before work each day, this rarely happens. I squeeze them in other places but the ultimate goal would be to have a whole hour each day to spend with these practices, ideally adding back in silence because hey a girl can grow. An added curve ball is right now I am working with a book for lack of a better term is like a daily devotional but not about faith of any sort. It takes time and thought and pulls me so far out of my comfort zone that I will try to avoid it like the plague.
I can see here that I will not perfect this predawn routine. I can see that I will still struggle to see more than my favorite couple of yoga poses as physical spiritual practice. I can accept that I am not a person who finds deep spiritual satisfaction in exercise. Although a good routine does do wonders for my clarity any given day but tell me that when my hand is hitting the snooze button because just 8 more minutes will make a difference. What can I say even my morning person self is subject to weird logic when asleep.
I tend to always set the bar too high, I don't always reach the bar but it keep me reaching and pushing myself to do better. Yet I notice with the expectation I have set upon my over achieving self, even with discipline, I am setting myself up to fall short of where I want to be on this one. I would tell other people to have grace with themselves because working full time with little childcare and all the household responsibilities is a lot for anyone to manage. It is not what I tell myself, grace is so much easier when it is for someone else. It is all connected to that blasted perfectionism I wrote about yesterday, perfection isn't real I know that, could it be achieved I am not sure what it might give me other than a nervous breakdown.
Today I am grateful for this blog and my ability to write with out seeking perfection.
I can see here that I will not perfect this predawn routine. I can see that I will still struggle to see more than my favorite couple of yoga poses as physical spiritual practice. I can accept that I am not a person who finds deep spiritual satisfaction in exercise. Although a good routine does do wonders for my clarity any given day but tell me that when my hand is hitting the snooze button because just 8 more minutes will make a difference. What can I say even my morning person self is subject to weird logic when asleep.
I tend to always set the bar too high, I don't always reach the bar but it keep me reaching and pushing myself to do better. Yet I notice with the expectation I have set upon my over achieving self, even with discipline, I am setting myself up to fall short of where I want to be on this one. I would tell other people to have grace with themselves because working full time with little childcare and all the household responsibilities is a lot for anyone to manage. It is not what I tell myself, grace is so much easier when it is for someone else. It is all connected to that blasted perfectionism I wrote about yesterday, perfection isn't real I know that, could it be achieved I am not sure what it might give me other than a nervous breakdown.
Today I am grateful for this blog and my ability to write with out seeking perfection.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Greatness
I have seen a spiritual director with regularity over the past five years. Each has a different style which I am ok with. I feel like I babble a lot with my current director. Like as if the words stop I might say something real. Which I mean there is some truth there, real is hard, but in this sort of relationship I don't have too hard a time with real. It is actually refreshing to get to be fully "real" because there I don't have to have pastoral identity, I get to just be me.
Anyhow, last week after much babbling I found myself talking about my struggle with professional perfectionism. Perfectionism isn't new for me, it has been a life long disease but as of late I only seem to struggle with it professionally. I ended up landing on this idea of imperfection as a spiritual practice and my director helped me to flesh that out a bit.
I try not to be all obsessive over this sort of thing around the kiddo, so what comes next is either me not being great at hiding my own struggle or some genetic predisposition. I can tally all my shortcomings in my head with out her ever knowing. I have noticed that Miss L wants to be really good at things like soccer with out practicing or working on the required skills. She wants to walk on the field and have a natural greatness with out putting the work in. Since she is six I try to accept this but after a particularly rough day at gymnastics, I kinda lost my shit a little. Which was unfair to her because she is six. I was frustrated that I spend the money and invest the time for her to try different activities and she never pays attention she just gets lost somewhere in her head where she is already as awesome as Rainbow Dash, as smart as Twilight Sparkle, and we could work our way through all the ponies. This makes me twitch, I have had to walk laps at soccer practice, grit my teeth at gymnastics, we won't even talk about dance class. 99.9% of the time I play it cool because I don't want her to catch it, the perfectionism. I realized as I sat there and thought about all this, she already has it.
I was the kid who thought she could become an Olympic swimmer by swimming laps in an above ground pool. I had lots of dreams that didn't require effort from me. I could probably look deeper there, in a moment's thought I can think of at least three explanations as to why my child-self would have liked those sorts of things. The point is my kid is just like me, while I feel pretty confident in saying I turned out ok, I really took the scenic route to get here and I kinda want her to take the expressway. It's her journey though not mine. This impatient girl who once wanted instant greatness has learned how to work hard toward something... I am not sure I would call it greatness. All this leaves me still with my perfectionism and a nagging question, if I believe God created me as I am then is the perfectionism part of how I was created? or is it a twisted version of something else I should be?
I am grateful for this space to write and to struggle.
Anyhow, last week after much babbling I found myself talking about my struggle with professional perfectionism. Perfectionism isn't new for me, it has been a life long disease but as of late I only seem to struggle with it professionally. I ended up landing on this idea of imperfection as a spiritual practice and my director helped me to flesh that out a bit.
I try not to be all obsessive over this sort of thing around the kiddo, so what comes next is either me not being great at hiding my own struggle or some genetic predisposition. I can tally all my shortcomings in my head with out her ever knowing. I have noticed that Miss L wants to be really good at things like soccer with out practicing or working on the required skills. She wants to walk on the field and have a natural greatness with out putting the work in. Since she is six I try to accept this but after a particularly rough day at gymnastics, I kinda lost my shit a little. Which was unfair to her because she is six. I was frustrated that I spend the money and invest the time for her to try different activities and she never pays attention she just gets lost somewhere in her head where she is already as awesome as Rainbow Dash, as smart as Twilight Sparkle, and we could work our way through all the ponies. This makes me twitch, I have had to walk laps at soccer practice, grit my teeth at gymnastics, we won't even talk about dance class. 99.9% of the time I play it cool because I don't want her to catch it, the perfectionism. I realized as I sat there and thought about all this, she already has it.
I was the kid who thought she could become an Olympic swimmer by swimming laps in an above ground pool. I had lots of dreams that didn't require effort from me. I could probably look deeper there, in a moment's thought I can think of at least three explanations as to why my child-self would have liked those sorts of things. The point is my kid is just like me, while I feel pretty confident in saying I turned out ok, I really took the scenic route to get here and I kinda want her to take the expressway. It's her journey though not mine. This impatient girl who once wanted instant greatness has learned how to work hard toward something... I am not sure I would call it greatness. All this leaves me still with my perfectionism and a nagging question, if I believe God created me as I am then is the perfectionism part of how I was created? or is it a twisted version of something else I should be?
I am grateful for this space to write and to struggle.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Liminal Spaces
Last week the news rolled in like waves of despair, everyday someone else had died. Friday morning I was getting ready for an all day meeting three hours away. I opened my phone to find some notifications about "Dallas". I turned on the morning news...
As I made my three hour drive through the plains, seeing little more than cows and corn, I was thinking hard about what I could possibly preach in this violent and broken world that would make any difference. A lament shared by many of my preacher friends this past weekend. I noticed in many places the road joined the sky, as heat gathered in reflective pools it reflected the sky. This made it appear as if I would drive into the great beyond in just a few miles for most of my ride. At one point I looked up in my rear view mirror and noticed the same thing was happening behind me. Optical illusion would make me believe that I was driving on a road floating in the sky. Merely in between places but in a real and tangible place (which roads generally are, in between places). There was something metaphorical about all that as I contemplated this violent, broken, hurting world and the promises of love and hope in the Gospel. There was something dare I say hopeful about the idea that one could drive off into the clouds. It wasn't so much that I wanted to escape from the pain of the world but I was reminded that this world is temporary; there is a better world that could exist if we would just fulfill the command to love. So there I drove between two different worlds... wondering, dreaming, lamenting, praying, remembering how tentative it all is.
Fast forward to Sunday morning when I sat on my bed editing my third sermon of the week amidst the pounding rain, swept into our windows by a howling wind, thunder shaking them in their panes. It was dark and heavy and hopeless. Then at 8 am on the dot like every other Sunday morning another church's bells rang out, calling people home. I do not know that there are words to explain what that was like but it brought me back to that same liminal space. I was again back in the in between, not past, not present, just somewhere in the middle.
In that in between space, twice this weekend I found what seems so intangible in the everyday: hope.
As I made my three hour drive through the plains, seeing little more than cows and corn, I was thinking hard about what I could possibly preach in this violent and broken world that would make any difference. A lament shared by many of my preacher friends this past weekend. I noticed in many places the road joined the sky, as heat gathered in reflective pools it reflected the sky. This made it appear as if I would drive into the great beyond in just a few miles for most of my ride. At one point I looked up in my rear view mirror and noticed the same thing was happening behind me. Optical illusion would make me believe that I was driving on a road floating in the sky. Merely in between places but in a real and tangible place (which roads generally are, in between places). There was something metaphorical about all that as I contemplated this violent, broken, hurting world and the promises of love and hope in the Gospel. There was something dare I say hopeful about the idea that one could drive off into the clouds. It wasn't so much that I wanted to escape from the pain of the world but I was reminded that this world is temporary; there is a better world that could exist if we would just fulfill the command to love. So there I drove between two different worlds... wondering, dreaming, lamenting, praying, remembering how tentative it all is.
Fast forward to Sunday morning when I sat on my bed editing my third sermon of the week amidst the pounding rain, swept into our windows by a howling wind, thunder shaking them in their panes. It was dark and heavy and hopeless. Then at 8 am on the dot like every other Sunday morning another church's bells rang out, calling people home. I do not know that there are words to explain what that was like but it brought me back to that same liminal space. I was again back in the in between, not past, not present, just somewhere in the middle.
In that in between space, twice this weekend I found what seems so intangible in the everyday: hope.
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