As I continue to wait for either an acceptance or rejection from LPTS; I have time on my hands to get a little anxious. My head takes me all over the place. Really, I mean it, from jobs, to bed spreads, to childcare, to Christmas. It is enough to make me go crazy. However I am trying really hard to just let it all go, after all I can not do a single thing until I have an answer then I can prepare for whatever comes next.
Here are some positive things I have found myself reflecting on. I have found since my birthday, there are some good things coming to me at this age. I am certain it has nothing to do with age at all really, but I will take note that it is happening for me at this age which is easing the pain just a little. I am really comfortable being me. I know that seems like how it should be all the time but it isn't how we are wired. We live in a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. Even the way we speak says this about us, it is obvious through choice of words and tone if you feel like you are above or below someone else. That being said, it is hard to stop comparing and stop living up to other people's expectations.
Maybe I should share some examples, we visited dear friends this weekend. Normally when we leave from visiting them, I am very insecure about my parenting abilities. I would like to point out that this is not an insult to my friends. They are doing an amazing job with their daughters. I really respect the hard work they are doing in order to raise their children well. That is probably why I usually feel like I am doing something wrong when we part ways. However this time I was better with it. I felt confident in my abilities. My only real comparison thought was that I didn't have professional portraits done sooner with our daughter. That's pretty huge for me. Another example, I read blogs that are just brimming with commentary on theology. I get theology, actually I rather enjoy studying it. I found my thoughts wandering the other day to, I wish I wrote like this. Then the next thought, no I don't. That's not my role in theology. I am more of a hands on kind of girl. I like to be out there doing things because of my theology. Then I reflect on them. My writing is directly related to actions. I know it's different and it might not get my voice heard but that is my role. My role isn't academic reflection (although my life choices considered I will have to academically reflect). What I am saying is I am a doer and then a thinker, not a thinker and then a doer. Both by the way are important roles to have in God's kingdom.
I don't own a house, I am no where near owning a house. Right now though I am so glad I don't own a house, it gives me a lot more freedom. I just had to get past the fact that everyone in our go go go buy buy and buy some more consumerist society will likely take one look at my lack of home owner ship and count it against me. That's OK. I know this works for me, for now.
There is so much freedom to be found in accepting your most authentic self. Somehow over the past few weeks I have really been able to be in tune with what makes me, me. It is pretty awesome.