If you are like me, when you found out you were expecting your first child, you were mildly euphoric amid all the other emotions that come with the positive pregnancy test. What you didn't know that while those same hormones that were making you so very happy, sad, sleepy, sick, and anything else pregnancy brings; they were also eating away at your brain slowly liquifying it and sending it straight to your placenta.
Let's use the analogy of an egg. The shell is a precious membrane that holds all your brains in and together in a way that functions. Those hormones crack open the egg and the liquid inside comes out and then your body uses an electric egg beater on the whip setting to mix them all up and send them down into you placenta. Leaving you a very small bit just to run your body enough to keep you and the baby alive. You start to loose things and forget things and get clumsy and then you read about pregnancy or placenta brain. You read about how afterwards your brain will come back to normal because full blood flow will return to your brain.
I am here to tell you it is all lies. It doesn't return. It makes sense though. All those liquified brains going back into a shell that was broken into pieces and glued back together. Of course it isn't going to work right. Not to mention I think the kid gets some of the original brain matter.
What brings this rant on you ask? Well last night I was watching the local news when I tease for World News Tonight came one. I saw something and said oh I need to see that. So I sat here and watched the whole show not remembering what it was that I was waiting to see in the first place. Needless to say nothing caught my attention in the full 30 minutes enough to justify delaying the making of dinner further. I got incredibly frustrated because I couldn't remember what I was waiting to see.
To some this might seem like the everyday. To me it feels like early onset dementia. Before I had this love named Lilia, my head was different. I could go to the store and forget my shopping list, visualize it and get every single item on it. I always kept lists as references. Now they are like air itself. I am useless with out them. I also always kept a calendar merely for reference of when I was going to be places. This served more as a reminder for those I lived with to figure out where I was. Now I have no less than 4 calendars and I am lucky if all four of them together have every date and time I need to be somewhere on them. I could recall charts in my head when test taking. I could see bits of books I found interesting. I could remember a situation in my head with great detail like it was yesterday. Now I am lucky if I can remember what store I was just in and why I was there. Forget it if I saw something interesting that inspired an idea for later.
I guess I will take solace in the fact that at least my long term hasn't been affected yet. I am terrified to ever have another child and loose more of my head. This is why they tell you to finish your education before you have kids. Not because of the work load and time constraints. It's because you loose the ability to think and remember.
I used to be a super multitasker I could do up to 10 things at once. Now I am lucky if I can type and listen to a song with out starting to type the lyrics.
In the end I guess I just feel like my brain is clogged.
I am very frustrated.
I hope someone out there has had or is having this same experience. Other wise I am convinced it's dementia.
Today I am grateful for the few things I can remember.
May you be blessed with some memory making today.