Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Time + Grace = Healing

In 2006 some really exciting things happened. I graduated college. I was accepted to Princeton Seminary. I started Princeton Seminary. I was an inquirer with my Presbytery. The only thing there that is still true is I still have my BA. It's odd because it I can remember the unwinding of all my plans as if it were yesterday, yet it has been 5 years. I will spare you the could-a would-a should-a's. They are insignificant to me at this point. In 2006 some really devastatingly disappointing things happened. I think that sums it up.

I was left with so many questions and no one had the answers for me. I think some people might have even become insanely frustrated with me and my NEED for answers. I was hurting so badly. Feeling rejected by the places I held most dear. I was lost. I didn't understand God's call any longer. I even thought for a while I was right, why would God pick me? I was silly to think that God would choose me. So off I went searching again. Where was the meaning in this life?

Tonight I can tell you that I am healed or maybe a better way of putting it is my healing has really come a long way. The things that happened then really hurt me at my core. I felt at times as if people were telling me I didn't know what God meant. I was insecure in a lot of ways. Tonight though I went to a Presbytery meeting, as an observer, no vote, yes I am aware that this is absolutely insane, at times like self torture. In my case though it helped me to see just how far I have come. I didn't have any bad feelings. I didn't feel jaded. Dare I say I might have even for a moment felt hopeful?

I noticed in myself a growth I hadn't seen before. Maybe it was because I was there willingly and not by sheer obligation. I feel like I have really healed from most of those hurts. The future is filled with hope. I sat there thinking if I seek ordination again, I will do it here, with my home church and in this Presbytery. I think ultimately that this will make it more difficult because people at least a few will know my history and won't want to let me forget it. History though isn't to be forgotten, it is to be learned from. My point though is enough time has passed that I feel like I could do this again, here. That was a huge block before.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where God will lead next but I know that God is leading. I know that God is in it. I fear sometimes that my call in life will be back here in NJ in parish ministry. If it is, then I guess I will see that at some point in the future.

In the end I think I am leaning more towards seeking ordination, again. However I also think that maybe this time around I will do it on my own terms meaning I can wait to do it until I am ready. The same goes for Hebrew!

I am amazed how time, coupled with grace is this situation has proven to be so very healing for me. 3 years ago I didn't believe this day would come.

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