Sunday, April 17, 2011

Emotions Run High

1.Yesterday, I found myself in a room full of gay men. Let me start by saying I wish they were my friends as I had a fantastic time hanging out with them. As we traded stories I tried so hard to avoid talking about going to school for my Master's of Divinity. As anyone who doesn't live under a rock knows, we Christians don't have the best reputation in their community, rightfully so. It was unavoidable though it came up. It was insanely awkward because in that room I felt like I needed to be a closet Christian, because people have hijacked Jesus and some how a message of Love has turned hurtful and at times persecuting. So I am left with the question, being a Christian who believes that God made all of us, God loves all of us, just as we are, how do I enter into that conversation. I wanted to scream, listen we are cool, and just for the record I think God's ok too. I won't try to cure you or convert you or say how I will love you but hate your sin. I will just love you. I skirted the details by saying, I believe in Love and that the threads in every sacred text boil down to love. That I felt religion has been misused and then I excused myself.

When I left I was almost in tears, because I hated that moment. I hate the hurt. I hate that people have hijacked Jesus to a point where people feel unaccepted. I hate that I didn't feel like I could talk about who I was fully. I wonder if in that moment, the tables were turned? I want to know what you would have said?

2. Last night after a long day I happened upon the summer and fall schedule which will dominate my life. I went into a full on freak out about what to do with Lilia. Paul was in and out of sleep on the couch so here I sat alone spiraling into the depths of every emotion possible. I went to bed with thoughts of just backing out now, quitting while I am ahead. Maybe if I slept on it, I would feel better in the morning. No such luck, I was a sobbing fool by the time I got out of the shower. I gave myself a pep talk and made it to church. There is a part of me that thinks maybe throwing in the towel and taking up party planning and gift basket making would be an ok life.

3. Very glad I went to church, overwhelmed by the thin spaces.

I can do this.

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