I die inside

When I was a little girl around 7 years in age, if you don't already know this loyal reader, my father became very ill. Later as I grew older I learned it was terminal. When I was 8 my youngest brother was diagnosed with cancer, one that is rarely survived. I will say I believe in miracles because of it. I can tell you with great joy all of my siblings are alive and still able to tease me when they want to. Which is just about anytime we are together. My Grandfather was also terminally ill with cancer for like my whole life. He died just hours after my 14th birthday. My dad a few months after my 18th.

The thing is this caused me to spend a great deal of time in hospital waiting rooms. It caused associations to happen deep in my sub conscience. Let's just be honest I have some baggage when it comes to this. I will own my baggage and usually I check my baggage at the gate I don't like lugging around those heavy carry on bags everywhere I go. So my inner voice that screams with thoughts of hypochondria gets shoved deep down so far I can't hear it.

It started young I was about 10 when my niece who was 1 at the time had a bad TB test and I can remember just sobbing convinced she was next. So this adventure of motherhood sometimes makes me a little crazy. First I must say I am so happy Lilia is a girl because thus far it's only the boys who get sick for some reason. If she were a boy I think I would be a wreck all the time. That being said I am a mellow momma I don't loose my cool easily and I keep my head on straight when stressful kid thins happen. I am not a worrier for the most part. I do not think every freckle is a malignancy destine to take me or a loved one too soon.

After my dad died I thought I had closed a chapter in my life. I thought the part of my life that included sick people was over. It lasted a whopping 5 years when my "stepfather" became very ill and died less than a year later. Since then I know nothing is over and everything is always an option. So that whole no more sick kids because we passed that test theory went out the window with Tim's death. It was probably a stupid theory to begin with.

So my dad and brother were likely sick due to my father's exposure to Agent Orange when he was in Vietnam. Actually the doctor's involved said they are 99% sure that is the cause. The government says no, but well that is just a whole new blog not even just an entry. The thing is Agent Orange can mutate the DNA part of cells which means every descendant of my father could be affected in some adverse way. Although the evidence is not as strong, there is some correlation between this and my own PCOS and possibly even my weight problem.

A few months back when there was some concern about Lilia's head size, well I am not going to lie that checked baggage in the plane's underbelly jumped on my back like a monkey backpack and wouldn't come off. I quietly prayed for days until we got the all clear. I didn't pray for the all clear because I figured if something was there already I was going to have to deal with what was there, I couldn't change it. So I prayed for strength and understanding.

So on Tuesday when the Pediatrician sent us back to the specialist early because it just couldn't wait my monkey backpack came back. That monkey whispers things in my ear like, "Brace yourself, agent orange is coming for someone else you love." "This is it, a brain tumor, get ready for emotional war again." "You aren't strong enough for this, don't you want a drink for breakfast." "Wouldn't that entire plate of cookies be better in your tummy?"

Now mind you I knew, as was confirmed today, that there was absolutely nothing wrong. She is hitting all her marks when she should. She has no signs of delays or impaired coordination or reflexes. I knew that in my mind. That dam monkey though wouldn't stop screaming in my ear though. Then I learned I was going to have to go to this appointment alone with no moral support. I am telling you I am a strong girl. I can do many things that are emotionally trying but this seemed impossible to me. Every time I wait in a waiting room it's for bad news. The idea of Lilia being sick absolutely kills a piece of me every time we go running to a specialist for her big noggin. I cried tears of relief on my way home.

The worst part is, I can't tell anyone how panicky my inner hidden voice is because they will just say don't worry you know she is fine. Yes rationally I do know she is fine. There is a part of me that is irrational though. A part of me that carries around heavy baggage from illnesses gone by. Walking into hospitals is hard for me. When Paul was in the hospital a few years ago I am telling you it took 5 years off my life because that voice became so overwhelming that all I could hear was this is it he's a goner. It's only on the inside though. On the outside I do alright. The rational voice almost always prevails.

I know that this has all sorts of psychological reasons and rationals. I am working through all this slowly. A life time of "damage" doesn't go away over night. This is hard for me to share. I think I might prefer standing naked in a room full of gym hounds. It makes me feel very vulnerable to share these things with my closest friends let alone on a public blog. Actually I am not sure I have ever told many of my closest friends about it at all. So please be gentle and have grace.

Saints Gone By

Today I watched the people I call the saints of the church file in somberly to a funeral for one of their own. These are the people that have been dedicated active members for as long as I can remember. Many of them have taught me much about life around the church. As a matter of fact when Frank died he was so well known that no one had to ask Frank who. That is true of many folks at the church even myself if some one says Becca they know it's me. I have seen a few of these people go to be with God at rest. It is starting to happen more frequently though. I am learning just how important people are in being the church. I remember the last time I served communion before I left for Princeton a few years back. Serving communion to the people who used to serve me communion. Some people move on some pass on and things shift. Yet I am left with a question as I watched today I noticed that nearly all the people who are really active and well known are at youngest in their fifties. There are a few forties mixed in. Who will be left? Who will be the knew saints of the church when those folks in their forties have reached their 80s or 90s? I am concerned as I look around wondering who will be there? Who will make the dessert when my generations husbands and wives start to pass away? Who will call to check up on the sick? Who will send the cards? Who will collect the offering and serve the bread and grape juice?

I work with the kids and most of them leave our town and don't look back. So who then? Even Paul and I plan on leaving in the next two years or so. If one day there stands an I Hop where my dear FRPC stands well I don't think I can bear it. The saints I didn't know are remembered in window panes. The ones I did are in my heart but what of every one else?

The Jacks

So I have these friends Thomas and Filomena. I met Tom first when he and I were both getting in touch with our inner religion junkie at Montclair State University. At some point during my studies there I met the lovely Filomena. She really is lovely, I remember it quite clearly she was doing something crafty and had hot pink hair and offered me snacks. First I must say you have never ever in your life seen someone with hot pink hair that looks so very natural on them. The snacks are like her signature move if she were some sort of celebrity. Hospitality is definitely one of their strong points.

Anyhow every time Paul and I have a chance to hang out with them we part ways and Paul and I can't stop talking about them. I don't mean in the OMG did you see her dress it was hideous sort of way. I mean in the we just met a celebrity and kept our cool but now we are freaking out sort of way. So a while back Paul and I had a long ride home from their house and they of course were our subject matter. After we both expressed we wished we could be more like them. I believe Paul said he feels very vanilla after we hang together. We went on a quest to figure out why that was. So here are our observations.

Both Filomena and Thomas are very passionate people. Their passions are as diverse as the clouds in the sky. Each has their own and they share some. I am not going to take the time to list it all here but know they are many. The one passion that stands out though is the passion they have for one another. It is like there is some invisible secret cord that ties them together. I do not imply that this is some type of thread but rather a braided cord that is strong enough to tether a cargo ship. This my friends is a sacred passion that you know is almost holy in some sort of way and while you look at it amorously from a distance you never ever touch it. I think this is worth mentioning because I think it is rare. I do not often see married folks look at each other like this and gush about one another like this.

Two people so in love and committed to it seems like something only seen in movies. I never hear them talk badly of one another. Actually that is one of the things I love most about them. They don’t talk about people other than in relating stories. They aren’t saying mean or hurtful things. Usually if they are telling you about someone else it is about how talented or incredible they are.You also never hear them complaining. Can I just say I love that? Paul and I have committed to doing less complaining and people bashing and it helps to see two people for whom it seems to be so very natural. They take an honest interest in what you have to say too. Our conversations go from religion to art to music to movies to books. They have depth… I love that. I love to be around passionate people. Brilliant well rounded well informed people who don’t push their ideas on you, they just present them for consideration. They are also comfortable enough in their own skin to disagree with you and not just shake their heads in agreement in fear of damaging the relationship.

I could go on for days on each of these subjects however I will just give you a few more broad strokes of what we have observed in them. Kindness, compassion, diversity in interests, they are both brilliant in some fantastic sort of way are just some of the things we have named about them when on our quest.

The last one I will comment on at length is how comfortable they are in their own skin. They are who they are and they do not apologize for it. Yet it isn't in an in your face I am me like it or scram way. Maybe this is normal for most people but remember this is Paul and I making observations and Paul and I often apologize for who we are and in writing that down it sounds incredibly silly. So you can see why it caught our attention.

Now what does all this mean for me and my Mr. Man aka Paul? It means that first of all we are incredibly blessed to know such people. We are blessed further because being with them makes us want to strive to be better people. For example I noticed that I probably do not say enough kind things about Paul. They are both also vegan and I can tell you that while I have no intentions of becoming vegan and for the most part reject meat in my diet, that after seeing them I feel just a twinge of guilt when I butter my toast in the morning. (Somehow I think this single line in here will give them the greatest joy.) I think this is what friendship should be like, what better gift can you give to someone than to inspire them to be the best person they can be while just being yourself?

It also means we hope that our Lilia gets to know them as she grows up because we think they can teach her a lot about being passionate, kind, generous, hospitable and the list goes on. Most importantly though I hope she observes their love for each other and takes note for herself how wonderful that kind of love can be and pursues it her own life and relationships. Examples of love outside your parents are very important after all because every one knows that if you are lucky it isn't until your child is 15 or so that they think you are totally lame in every way. It's funny how after you have a child you view your friends just a little different because you want to surround them with loving people who are healthy examples for them.



You know it is really nice to write about people who inspire me. I feel a series coming on. Watch out no one is safe! In an attempt to be comfortable in my own skin (something I have been working really hard on lately with the help of another amazing friend/mentor)I will spare you the ramble I had prepared apologizing for featuring just two of my many friends.

So many things

There are so many things that I would like to blog about. So many happy things whose words would dance across the screen gracefully. I was so longing for a mellow week after two weeks of party party party all we can think about and do is party stuff.

So it started off well. Monday was alright. I am currently house/pet sitting at two homes but other than that it was a quiet day. This morning Lilia had a check up. As I was rushing out the door to get her there on time, I was asked to help with tech support for a funeral on Thursday at the church. Not a problem I can handle that. Then we go to the check up and leave with 3 more Dr appointments! There goes my mellow week. Oh well such is life and to think she isn't even sick! Like every parent I hope she gets through life with no major illness. I would like to add on that my entire childhood of waiting in doctor's offices for very ill family members has scarred me. I hate the waiting rooms and hospitals they make me get instantly sick to my stomach. Childhood also wore out my patience for such things as waiting for hours in a waiting room. This is all the more reason not to have another child. Those waits were long enough and I had to live in the hospital for 4 days and I would again and so many doctor's appointments.

I must be off now to schedule about 100 things.

Good bye care free week of floating in the pool.

Stepping into the Light

I don't know when it happened but at some point I closed myself slowly into a closet. A closet that was dark and small yet big enough to live in. In that dark place though it is very hard to really experience God. Excuses made prayers short and rarely heart felt. I slipped into this shallow God routine. I was cruising along in the dark leaving God out as best I could. Refusing to notice what was God's work. I got comfortable even if it felt hollow. Even though I know when I don't close myself off like that I am in a much better place.

Then something happened. My friend came and opened the door just a little (when it isn't your door you can't really do more than give it a nudge) and a tiny beam of light came in and shined on my closed heart. I pushed the door open a little more and the light rushed in and shined on my face.

So here I am today stepping into the light! Letting it wash all over my body and heal the wounds I have hidden for so long. I pray I have the courage to stay in the light.

In an attempt to write everyday here I am. I haven't had much time to think today. I am in full on prepare for the party mode. Let nothing get in my way.

However here is a reflection from this Sunday's sermon...

Terry said in a story he was relating, we are sorry we don't sell fruit here just the seeds. He then illustrated this with a garden sort of narrative. My first thought was what if my garden is a metaphor for my life. I planted the seeds. I water them. I feed them. They grow. I pull the weeds, sort of, they get overwhelming. Sometimes I use the weed whacker but it leaves the roots. The tomato plants are great. The rest though they are growing and growing and flowering and growing and flowering some more but there is no "fruit" to be found.

Woah!

Observations

1. Kids always swim with goggles on these days. I don't mean like we did where some one had a pair of goggles by the pool and we suctioned them to our faces and looked at each other. I mean won't go into the pool with out them. Come on kids get a grip we used to open our eyes in the ocean and the pool and the lake. We all survived. Is it bad that I want to call them all wimps? I never wore them to swim until I started wearing contacts and even then it is only if I am in a pool full of splashing kids. I just don't get it. Now I have pretty much guaranteed that Lilia is going to be a goggle wearing freak. I have also dated myself with a version of kids these days. Man up kids and be a real I - don't - care - what - is - in - my - eyes - I - am - having- fun kid!

2. I live near the ocean. This summer people have been seeing sharks in the ocean. People are hysterical over all this. News stories, videos the whole nine. It's the ocean people! You are going into their house to swim. Why are you surprised when they show up? I mean I know it isn't typical but the sharks are always in the ocean you just can't see them. There are lot's of other things in the ocean too like "killer" whales and raw sewage and garbage and oil. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean you are safe from it. Now when you see an elephant coming to shore let me know because that is news worthy. Take five seconds today and shed your I am human so I rule the roost because I am at the top of the food chain so the sharks need to leave my ocean attitude. Now remember that sharks can eat you and so can bears so stop being so darn cocky. Even a tiny black widow spider can take you down. Next notice that we are all here to SHARE the Earth not rule it so let's share it with our animal friends and stop being so selfish about all this. The ocean is their home don't forget it. Keep your ego in check.

Then again maybe it is all a ploy for Discovery Channel's Shark Week this week. HA HA HA HA HA